[ Untitled/Classified] Prologue- Scattered Memories

[ Untitled/Classified] Prologue- Scattered Memories

A Story by BackupAccount: Summer D.
"

Unfinished conversation between two of my characters. Criticism WANTED and NEEDED.

"

[ Warning?: Language. Just one word. ] 


“ When are you coming back?” The soft voice crackled through the speaker of the cellphone, interrupting the steady rhythm of breathing as the crouched figure waited for a reply. Swallowing, the figure’s eyes closed briefly, envisioning her voice. He could see her perfectly as if she was standing before him, her slender arms wrapped around her body, hugging herself as she often did. A small smile creased his dry lips as he struggled to keep the memory of her appearance afloat. Her dark, velvety ringlets framing her round face, wisps of the tangle of her hair strewn about her forehead. Her pale, nude lips poked out in a gesture of thought. Everything was as clear as the memory of his departure. The feel of her smooth, cream-colored skin as he brushed the tears away silently. It was all too real.Wincing through his tightly clenched teeth, the dark-haired boy shifted his weight, the feel of the cold pavement jolting him out of his reverie. 


“ I’m not supposed to call you,” The speaker paused hesitantly and he could hear the faint sound of someone shouting in the background,“ why?” His heart ached at the sound at the sound of underlying sadness as she held in her sobs. “ Who told you that?” He said carefully, as he winded a finger around the chain of the gold pendant around his neck. “ Ellen, b-” A low growl sounded in the back of his throat at the sound of the name. Damn her He thought sourly before opening his mouth to reply. He was cut short by an angry voice that sounded in his ear, “ What in gods name are you,-” He could almost picture a forced smile springing to her lips as she switched to a lighter tone, “Sweetheart, who are you talking to?” The boy stiffened at the sound of the familiar voice and hissed quietly,“ Don’t tell her it was me.“ “L-” “ Stay quiet,” He commanded roughly, biting his lip, “ I love you.” “ I-” He couldn’t. He ended the call quickly before he could hear what was to come. It was the inevitable, and it was the inevitable that bothered him. Drawing the back of his hand over his mouth he stared at the scarlet drops that smeared across his hand. Inaudibly he started the count, his voice trembling as the memory of the blinding white lights surfaced. “ One,” His fingers curled over the golden cross, “ Two.” Blinking back the tears that threatened to surface he whispered into the night, “ Three.” Somewhere in time, a bomb had dropped, ripping through the cobbled streets and stealing away the souls that stirred within. “ Kate.” The name was whisked away, in the blustering winds, as the dark-clad figure swung a leg over the frame of the motorcycle spurring the engines to life. 


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© 2012 BackupAccount: Summer D.


Author's Note

BackupAccount: Summer D.
I am writing a book! This is a PIECE from my prologue. My goal, * seriously *, is to finish it for 2012 in time for a contest. Winning would be nice but I'm more so interested in finishing it. I can't give much info on the book or this prologue because that would unravel this delicate plot I have conducted. I need you to-

Criticize it and offer me some pointers.

BackDrop: Conversation is between a " mysterious caller." The call is emotional yet vague. The relationship between the two people is unknown. Is it a lover, sibling, friend, acquaintance? Also :P Yes. The point IS to keep the readers in the dark. Yes... You are not supposed to know what the inevitable is... As of now..
Ideally I want this conversation to stretch a little bit longer... So yeah.
Grammatical points, conversation points, etc. Anything. It is all welcomed!
Haha, if you offer any tips towards the conversation ( not grammatical ) make sure it maintains this vagueness.

Much Obliged Kind Sir/Madam,

Summer D.

--------------------- Edit # 1. Reviewer: Teralyn E./ D.R Ergo ------------------------------


[Thank you so much for the review! It helped a lot. I think I was fairly vague. I didn’t change this sentence:
“Everything was as clear as the memory of his departure.”
I do not want to personalize or build upon the nature of his departure. I felt that “ The day he left her.” swayed to much in the “ lovers “ department.” I did fix up her appearance and you organized it pretty well. That helped- A LOT. The flow was much better.
Okay, as much as I want to keep the sentence- It can be a little bit misleading. What friend/acquaintance/sibling kisses each others tears away? Okay.. He could’ve kissed her cheeks… but… Even then… I’m getting the “ lover “ vibe. I don’t want to narrow down on anything. That screams “ lover “ to me. So, I edited it out.
I liked the * Edit 2 * but I think I’m going to stick with one~

Haha. I pmed you addressing your comment :P Misleading, maybe. I edited that, so hopefully this version is much better. Yup, that’s what I want. As of now :P They’ll find out his name… * if all goes according to plan * 5 minutes later into the story.

I will try <3 Thank you! I gave a bit of a hint to the situation in the last line.

Bomb
Cobbled Streets
Somewhere In Time.

Oh shnap~ It’s still a work in progress. I’ve got to work on the lines in the conversation. I wasn’t really feeling it. Anyway, thanks, again~
I owe you a review!]

P.S: I know the last line fails but that's a bit of a place-holder.

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Added on March 6, 2012
Last Updated on March 6, 2012

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BackupAccount: Summer D.
BackupAccount: Summer D.

~Visiting Laputa~, CA



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This is a back-up account for my main account: " Summer D." I will NOT be adding anyone outside of who I've already added on my main account. So please don't send any friend requests. Thank you!.. more..

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