The Ship: Part II of the Quest

A reunion with an old friend in a very unlikely place.

The Ship

1.

Another try

The woman’s voice is a whisper.  Her words floated into my consciousness like a gentle snowfall on a moonlit night.  I remember her name is Jean and she is an Angel.  She has moved in and out of my dreams and participated in my life for brief periods, providing guidance for future events.  When she did arrive, the information helped me immensely.  Even though the outcomes were hard to deal with.

She mostly skipped all the pleasant things people say on the phone when they haven’t spoken to each other and got right to it.  The voice asked if I would like another try.  For another attempt to see my son.  

Now the woman named Jean is calling me on the phone.  

I hung up the first time she called.  Feeling guilty at my rudeness, I walked out of my office cubicle and wandered around until returning only to have the phone ring again.  I knew it was her and answered with silence.  I said nothing.  She said nothing, and we let the silence rage on for an eternity.  Anger and violence were once again rising from my sub-conscious.  Knowing this and realizing my emotional response is a mistake, I tried to calm myself, and found anger being replaced by cold fear.  With a shaky voice I said hello, and asked her what’s next.

2.

Cold.  As soon as I slipped into the water, my first sensation was cold.  Very cold.  The warm cocoon of heat in my dry suit quickly vanished, only to be replaced by the uncomfortable cold grip that now enveloped my body.  I tried to block the sensation from my mind, but it was difficult.  I had to wriggle into a small sized hole cut into a thick layer of ice that expanded out in every direction.  After banging around squeezing my air tank and BC device down into the hole, I slipped through with a small sound. Once submerged I checked my diving rig and made sure I was breathing and the suit was not leaking.  Satisfied that I was in good shape, I glanced up a the hole in the ice and noticed it was already refreezing.  My escape would be covered soon, and when I came back I would have to chop the surface ice to get out.  Not an entirely bad thought, but unsettling nonetheless.

After debating my ability to escape the dark cold water, I scanned my surrounding in a slow descending circle and noticed the hues of fading blue colors around me.  It was beautiful really, this world of muted sound and shifting cool colors, but when I tipped my head to the surface, the reality of my position became clear.  

At some time when I was young and I was living with my girlfriend and future wife, we were sort of broke.  We looked to do things that were fun and cheap.  One day I came across an ad to scuba dive in a local hotel pool for free.  You could put on the gear and with a bit of coaching swim around and look at old band-aids on the bottom.  It sounded fun and since it didn’t cost anything, we went.  With everything that was fun and free, there was a catch.  You had to watch a 15 minute video on becoming a certified scuba diver to get the gear for the 30 minutes.  There was no way we were going to become certified divers as we lived in Minnesota, far from the ocean.  But we watched the video and were hooked.  Taking the money we had saved to attend a catholic marriage class, we used it in the diving certification class.  As we are members of the catholic church, we were suppose to attend a religious retreat prior to getting married.  Well to make a long story short, we blew off the class, lied to the catholic priest, and went to Florida diving.  Since we’re still married and happy, I think it was a good choice.  Although I’m not sure what the priest would say. We were hooked on scuba diving and since that time have traveled to the Caribbean, Pacific, Atlantic and when we were desperate, a small lake in Minnesota to scuba dive.  All dive trips were in warm water.  What I was doing now was so far out of my league it was almost laughable.  Yet, here I am and I’m not laughing, just really scared. 

Hovering around 50 ft. below the ice layer, I rolled my body into a position where I could swim horizontal to the surface and make way to my goal, the sunken ship approximately 400 yards in the distance.  The ship was sunk many years prior when the ice layer was water.  Now the ship is entombed below the ice waiting in silence, only to tell me things I wish to know.

After a bit of easy kicking, I silently covered the distance to the awaiting relic.  I felt very calm after the swimming motion warmed me quite nicely.  The view was stunning.  The craft radiated a soft white glow as it reflected what small amount of light came from the surface.  The effect was that of a beacon in the cold darkness.    The ship was giant.  What would you call something this size?  A cruise ship, or a passenger vessel?  Whatever.  It was resting on the bottom standing upright with the massive nose of the ship buried in the soft mud of the bottom.  As I kicked closer to the ship the immense size began to take on perspective.  Slowly drifting to the the hull, my gloved hand stopped my progress as I pressed on the cold steel.  Hovering silent and motionless I noticed the paint remained quite white and the surface very smooth.  Giving myself a slight kick, I ascended out of the black swirling sediment to rise along the outside of the white hull. Passing by each portal window I could look inside and saw nothing but blackness.  When I reached the railing of the main deck, I grabbed on and pivoted myself so I could float just over the wood planking.  In the silence of the moment, I floated weightless about 10 ft. off the deck looking for an entry point. I checked my air pressure and found that I have about 60 minutes remaining before I would have to make my way back to the hole in the ice.  It was a bit disconcerting knowing that I didn’t have an easily accessible escape route, but I tried to put that though out of my mind.

After the swift and violent descent from the surface, the ship now looked dead and silent in the gloom, a big difference from the brilliant craft that gracefully moved through the world’s oceans. Drifting along the deck, I studied the teak wood and ornate brass railings adorning the ships surface as my breathing continued it’s rhythmic hissing intake exhale. The scene was surreal.  Here I was under the North Atlantic ice off the coast of Nova Scotia, looking for something that maybe existed and maybe it didn’t.  If it did, I reminded myself of my prior adventures pursuing this thing.  When I did find the Orb, did it bring me happiness?  I don’t know if I had the answer to that.  At the Island, I felt immense joy and happiness of seeing my son Shannon again, and wished my daughter and wife could be with me while we breathed in his existence.  I knew they would want to see him, but for some reason, it seemed like I was living in a void where only I was part of this dimension.  I don’t really understand it today.  At the Island, I didn’t have the Orb but somehow was born to a new reality where I wasn’t sure of who I was, let alone where I was going and what had happened to me.  Now I remembered the cold night where I froze climbing a very tall peak.  It was then that I found the article, the Orb.  I found it, and then I was transformed to a new reality.  I still don’t know how this works, all I know is once I find the Orb, I’m gone.

Grabbing onto a railing I stopped and looked at a massive black space in the back of the ship. This must have been the main entry from the rear of the vessel.  This deck seemed to be a gathering social place.  Now it was dark and silent.  There were other decks and openings, but this was the biggest I had seen so far. As it was the main entrance, I felt this would be the most inviting and least scary entry into the dead ship. Although a bad foreboding came over me as I began to move toward the entrance. 

No one knew I was here. I slipped from my home several nights ago, disappearing into a silent void to catch a flight to Nova Scotia and then farther North to what seemed to be the end of the civilized world.  I traveled by car to a remote village where I walked across a mile of sea ice with a small sled towed behind me to the point roughly about 50 ft. above me now and on top of the ice.  How this ship came to be at this location and why it sunk I do not know.  I arrived here by directions delivered to me via text message from the lady.  Funny that it was a text, as there weren’t any words, but a map and when you zoomed in close enough a small dot on the ocean’s surface about a half mile from the shore. I had walked across the ice with my heavy gear in the fading afternoon sunlight. If something happened to me now, while I’m underwater thousands of miles from home no one would know my fate.  I wished I didn’t have these thoughts now as they were profoundly unsettling.  What I needed was to calm my mind and slow my heart.  Unfortunately, my mind raced as did my heart.  

Most times I liked being alone in a very crowded world.  I’ve noticed after Shannon died, I feel most comfortable by myself in the woods or mountains.  That’s nice.  This on the other hand was scary.  I was frightened, cold and alone and was prone to small bouts of panic, especially when I thought of the weight of the ocean on me and the closed ice hole above.  To calm myself, I thought of my daughter, wife, and dogs and our home in in the mountains.  I would think of them at that place and feel better.  Then I could continue.  But for brief periods my mind raced and I didn’t like it one bit.

In the past, sometimes I wish I had the world to myself and could go anywhere without seeing anyone. Whatever happened, would be up to me, and not a chance encounter from a person I do not know nor care to know.  Being alone works quite well for me.  After stripping away all the bad thoughts about this place, I found that the need for isolation is what brought me here now.  I need to at least check out the dead ship that is now lying entombed by the ocean currents.  Check out the ship and find the thing that matters to me most.  

The foreboding became stronger as I peered into the dark gloom of the silent vessel.  With slow graceful kicks, I glided through a large opening of broken doors into the back of the ship.  The room was quite large with high ceilings and an empty feel.  A few more kicks propelled me above the floor and into the large cavernous hall. Rolling over, I noticed a large and very pristine chandelier regally suspended from the ceiling.  The light looked very much out of place in the dark silt covered room.  Really, it was surreal seeing the ornate lighting fixture waiting for someone to come into the room and awaken the dark bulbs to life.  The fixture witnessed many parties and gala affairs with lots of dancing and drink during happier times.  Now it only peered at me in the silent darkness of eternity. With the eerie feeling dominating the room, I silently kicked farther into the black gloom not wanting to think of what lies ahead.

What I was looking for was not a person, but a thing.  A thing of great value to me. It was something I continued to pursue.  The Orb that plagued my dreams and waking moments.  The Orb that I had placed in the top of a very high mountain.  The Orb that I may have had on a tropical Island.  The Orb that now lies inside this very cold and dark ship.  Maybe.  I will not stop until I have it once again in my possession.  For if I do have this Orb, then I may get my son back.  Maybe.

Lots have happened since I last had the baseball sized object close to my person.  It’s been eight years since my son Shannon died.  A short time after that I found myself in a nighttime winter storm climbing to the top of a mountain.  A very high mountain at that. Hoping against all hope that what had just happened, that my son had just died, was not true. And if it was, that maybe my Quest would change his fate.  I’m still in that pursuit.  In that timeless void of another dimension.  A place where time stands still and I cannot leave until I am successful.  It may be the case, or I may be insane inside my own tormented mind.  This dimension that I now find myself has had it’s successes. I actually found my son and we had a lifetime in an afternoon.  We swam in a tropical island paradise with lush jungles and calm inlets.  We climbed to the tops of overlooks and talked of things not known.  We swam with dolphins that sensed my desperation to have my son return to me.    After it was all over, I had to leave my son.  Again.

I am back looking for the Orb and my son.  This time under the sea. Under the ice.  Why it cannot leave me alone and continues to torment me is a question I ask frequently.  Almost daily actually, but no answer comes in return.  Why does this small piece of mineral hold such a powerful grip over me I cannot answer.  There are many things I would like to have answers for.  First and foremost, why my son died at the age of 14 remains at the top.  Why a healthy child would get a heart attack is beyond anything that I can think of.  These questions I do not have answers for remain shrouded somewhere inside The Orb.  The Orb has something to do with answering why he would die so young and seemingly so healthy.  I have thrown everything else to the wind to find these answers, and possibly find my son.  He is out there somewhere, and I will find him.

These thoughts race through my mind in an instant, and then I’m back in the freezing darkness gliding through a narrow hallway into an open foyer.  The foyer is quite large extending three decks above me.  I hover over the silt floor looking up into the cavernous room and notice something.  It’s lighter by the ceiling.  The light isn’t so bright that It’s immediately noticeable, but I notice the darkness is beaten back, and the area has a definite white glow.  Curiously, I give a quick couple of kicks to my fins, and I’m ascending toward the white glow wondering what is the source of the light. 

I rise up and notice how I’m moving from dark to light.  The lower level is quite dark, while the upper level has a nice white glow.  Similar to the white glow of the Orb.  I kick a few fin strokes and slowly move up through the gloom.  When I reach the 3rd level I peer over the railing into a very large and fine dining room.  The large ornate chairs are arranged with the tables set with what looks to be very fine china and cutlery.  Albeit the tables are silted over, the scene is quite odd, as the room has a nice faint white glow emanating from the back of the room.  I am now the only dinner guest tonight and have my pick of the tables.  As if responding to the Waiter’s question of  “Would you like a table Sir”? Why yes, maybe something by the window please comes to mind, but it sounds creepy and I try to dismiss the odd thought.

I feel energized, strong, and confident at this point as I swim over the nice tables.  I can almost feel the past energy of people filling the room with light, laughter and fine foods.  It must have been a very regal room at it’s peak.  Now it’s lonely and mostly dark, save for the light in the back.  

When I reach the back of the room.  The Orb is perched on the top of a layered table that looks like it was used for the main course or a large desert display.  The Orb is glowing brightly and I hover in front looking at the mineral like it’s an old friend.  I wonder how it got from the top of the freezing mountain to the inside of this freezing ship.  For something that radiates warmth, it sure hangs around in cold inaccessible places.  Wondering what I should do now, I hesitate.  The last time I had The Orb, It was given to me and I put it into the space on the top of the mountain.  The Orb clicked into place and created a magnificent and blinding white shaft of light that rocketed to the heavens, and after a short bit, I drifting upward and away towards my own unknown fate.  

With this thought resonating in my mind the Orb became brighter and began to pulse.  I thought it may be gaining energy due to my presence, that maybe it was somewhat dormant and when I approach, it gains strength.  Another odd thought came to mind also.  Once again, I felt that warm cozy feeling of peace envelop me.  While I hovered over the dining room in this dreamy state, I heard the lady’s voice talking to me.  It sounded like she was behind me.  I slowly turned not knowing what I was to see, and found her sitting in the now regal dining room complete with waiters and lights and music.  

Hello Jean, but my you look lovely.

16.

The room was transformed into something of the past.  The music was of an older time, and Jean was dressed in a ball gown that looked fabulous.  She radiated class and elegance and waved me over to a seat at the table.  Without giving it another thought I walked (walked?) over to the table and sat down.  I now wore a very elegant tuxedo with an ascot tie and tails.  I even smelled nice.  While all this was really beyond me, I sat down and motioned to the waiter that it may be time for a nice Gin and Tonic and asked Jean what she would like.  She mentioned that a Sea-breeze would be lovely, being that we’re in a ship (and theoretically under the ocean) a Sea breeze would be appropriate.  The waiter asked me what type of gin I would like, and the words Bombay Sapphire escaped from me.  I have no idea what is good gin or bad gin but Bombay Sapphire came rolling out. It seemed to fit the moment.  After taking care of the drink orders, I looked around the now lively luxurious room filled with people.  Some were dancing, and others standing by the bar at the far end of the room.  There must have been over 500 people in the dining room.  There was also a large 14 piece band playing swing music.  All the musicians were dressed in similar attire that I now wore.  Benny Goodman led the band with his clarinet and they all broke into a very cool tune that I couldn’t remember, but was stuck in my memory somewhere.  As the music started I locked eyes with Jean and laughed.  We both did actually.  For quite some time.  It was a very nice break from the freezing dark ocean.

After sipping the Bombay Sapphire (an excellent choice really), I asked Jean what this is all about.  My mood was still very upbeat and happy knowing that  I was sitting with a real life angel from the good place, and she was taking time to sit with me and I think enjoyed my company.  My question was more of a gesture, with the elegant gin and tonic glass, I waved toward the room with all the ambiance and very good music and raised my eyebrow as if to ask if this is real, or am I hallucinating this due to oxygen deprivation from my scuba tank running low.  Jean didn’t miss a beat.  She smiled again, leaned forward on her elbows and paused looking down at the place setting.  I could tell she was thinking on how to convey what she was going to say.  She slowly lifted her head and stared into my eyes.  The ship is of a time long past she said.  Pointedly she told me that I had actually been here before in this very same room doing almost exactly what I am doing now.  Enjoying the evening with Jean and Benny the Bandleader.  I looked around the room again trying to remember but nothing came to mind.  She indicated that I need to rethink time as it pertains to this world.  Time she said is not from A to B, but a circle.  This time which I perceive as in the past, is actually just a different dimension.  I had slipped into this dimension from the cold dark one I had been to only a few minutes prior.  I’m sure I didn’t understand this totally or even remotely now that I think about it.  However, the prospect that I now had a tuxedo on drinking a gin and tonic did not go unnoticed as I sat there thinking this through.   Nor did my time with Shannon on the tropical island, or moving from the cold dark mountain to awakening as I surfaced a warm inviting ocean.  All of these changes from my direct point of view were experienced to illustrate the idea of parallel universes.  The idea that I am experiencing one such universe and reality, only to know that there are others at the same time.  Although time is not linear as I understand it kind of messes up the ability to understand this. 

All of this goes through my mind as I listen to Jean as she patiently explains the idea parallel universes.  I think she knows I’m struggling with this, but tries to help me along anyway.  Talking about our souls and where they go when we die.  I am slowly losing my ability to focus as the physics gets a bit difficult, and Jean tells me something that  brings me back immediately.  You son Shannon she says is not dead as you know it.  He is just in another dimension.  This comment brings me back to my current reality with focus.  If he’s in another dimension, why can’t I go there and see and talk with him.  Why can’t I stay there with him while he explains what happened to him when he left us back in 2006.  The intense look and rapid fire questions I’m firing off to her are met with a smile and a gentle energy that she slowly sends my way.  My intensity turns to one of sadness.  Unbearable sadness and longing and I begin to cry.  My tears turn to sobs and weeping as I realize after this long time of 8 years, still how much I miss my son.  The illusion of normalcy is falling away as my grief once again rises to the surface.  I thought maybe it was gone and I was on my way, but no.  My unsolicited behavior illustrates just how not well I really am.  

My heart is breaking as I wheeze and try to put into words my grief, but only to gesture around and make sobbing noises.  I didn’t expect this overwhelming emotions of sadness to once again come to the surface and overtake my being.  Only minutes before I was happily drinking in a music filled room filled with partygoers enjoying themselves.  I too was enjoying myself, but now I am in the throes of the awful sadness.  This black melancholy that had enveloped me for the two years after Shannon died, only to be replaced by brief periods of sunshine and happiness, to be once again overtaken by the blackness.  Over time, the blackness has receded but never vanishes.  It comes out periodically but I’ve been able to deal with it as it flows, but this is different.  I’m back in the darkest times that I’ve known.  

After a while, it seems short but I think it’s closer to an hour, I regain my composure and realize Jean has a look of concern, but her eyes tell me things will be well in the end.  I feel better that she’s here.  It seems like she's always been there when I most needed her.  Although most times, I don’t know that she is watching me.  I just kind of feel it, and it’s nice.  Memories of her come back to me now.  I clearly remember when we were together in Canada, paddling a canoe over calm water discussing my future.  However when I’m in my every day reality I don’t have any conscious memory of her at all.  Just a fleeting sensation of a person appearing into my dreams.  

Are you well Brian, she asks.  I think of this for a bit and say that yes I’m doing all right. But then I notice I’m staring at the floor and looking away from her eyes.  While looking at Benny the Bandleader I say to her that no, not so good actually.  Tell me more Brian.  So I do.  I go through all the cracks in my person and the violent images that course through my head on a daily basis.  The fact that I’ve been thrown out of my hockey league recently for bad behavior is embarrassing for me to relay to her.  But I do.  I purge my soul of all my grief, anger, and sadness.  She moves out of her chair and comes around the table to sit next to me.  With her arm around my shoulder she says the words that allow me to continue.  After I hear Benny Goodman tell the room that the band needs a break, I stop talking and look at Jean.  There are tears in her eyes and she’s also looking at Benny.  Maybe we should take a walk she says.  And we do.  Before leaving the ballroom an elegantly dressed waiter holds up two oversized bright orange puffy down jackets to both of us.  Mine is bigger than Jean’s and we look somewhat comical as we leave the room.

We walk out of the grand ballroom up the ornate winding stairs illuminated by the chandelier’s bright lights showering the room with joy.  We reach the top of the stairs and move toward another ornate wooden door.  I can hear our jackets make that swishing sound as we stroll towards the door.  We pass  through the wooden door into a small chamber.  This small area keeps the wind and sea spray from entering the inner area.   We face a heavy steel door with a rubber seal surrounding the outside. When I open the door I feel a slight pressure change in my ears.  The door opens and I notice the smell of the ocean and the sound of wind and waves.  It’s very refreshing to experience the sea.  Being a person who grew up in the midwest and has lived in the mountains for most of my adult life, I find the sea a mystery and somewhat scary.  We turn left and stroll down a polished wooden deck extending the length of the ship. We walk together arm in arm and remain silent.

After a bit we reach the front of the ship.  I think sailors would term the front the bow, but that fact eludes me at this time.  Walking to the very forward part of the craft, we both lean over the railing to view the ship’s prow breaking through the sea. Without taking her eyes off the turbulent water below, she asks it I remember our time in Canada.  I shake my head yes and tell her so while I look at the waves.  We’ve not left your side since that day.  That’s nice.  That’s nice indeed.

Mostly we visit when you’re sleeping.  We enter your dreams while you’re mind is most receptive to our visits.  Who is we, I ask.  Guides, Angels, and others who are helping you through this life.  I look out over the gray waves and listen to the wind whistle through the cables that line the ship.  I don’t remember any of this I say.  That’s not important she says with a soft tone that makes it easier to believe.

We continue on this thought and talk more about our time on earth.  After a time we notice it’s getting dark and we decide to go back inside the ship to warm up.  As we walk through the metal doorway and before we push open the ornate wooden door, I notice the metal door makes the hissing sound of the rubber closing off the outside world.  I’m not sure why I notice this, but I do.  

We both notice the lighting is more muted as the ships sails into the black night and we walk up the winding staircase to the dining room.  I notice that Benny is moving around the stage waiting for the band to get to their places.  He catches my eye and raises his eyebrows as if asking if I’m doing okay.  I wave to him and say something about how well the band is playing.  He smiles and gives me the thumbs up.  I don’t know Benny, but he knows me.  Remember, he’s famous, and I’m not.

We walk through the throngs of people to our table.  Using my best manners  I move Jean’s chair away from the table and she elegantly slides into the seat. Once we both sit down, I’m thinking of a cup of coffee to warm me up.  We both ask the waiter if he could bring us coffee with cream and sugar, and he politely agrees and moves toward the kitchen.  With a leisurely scan of the room, Jean then locks eyes with me.

Without saying a word, I know it’s time.  As this is not my first time transitioning,  I’m ready for what’s to come.  

She comes across the table and hugs me.  While I’m in her embrace I notice  the band is not playing and Benny gives me one more thumbs up.  I also notice everyone in the room has stopped and is now raising a toast to me.  Odd and uncomfortable I let Jean know something’s up.  We both turn toward the now silent crowd and I find Jean giving me a champagne glass.  Along with everyone in the room, she raises the glass to me.  I return the toast and look at Jean once more.  Her eyes tell me goodbye for now and we raise our glasses.  With the sound of clinking glasses, Benny turns to the band and counts off .... one...two...three, and with that I’m gone again.

And it’s so.  When my consciousness shifts again, I am back in the ship’s dining room with a dark pall and layers of silt and waste on fine china.  Oddly, my first thought is that I really could have used that coffee as I’m once again cold.   I notice that at my place setting at the table, there is now an ornate desert tray displaying the Orb with all it’s glowing radiance.  I swim over and pick up the small baseball size object.  I’m glad it’s here as it’s lighting the room with it’s white bluish light.  I also feel warm with the object in my hand.  It should only warm my hand but I find that my entire being is warmed and comfortable.

I realize I have to swim out of the ship.  I don’t have time to think back on my time with Jean or the information she imparted on me.  I can do that when I get back to the relative safety of my rental car still parked near the pier north of Nova Scotia.  Now I’ve got to focus my thoughts on the biggest threat to face me now.  

I’ve also noticed that I’ve transitioned without seeing Shannon.  Was he not part of this evolution?  I traveled here with the intention that I would see him at some point, but I’m leaving and he’s not here.  This thought leaves me hollow and empty as I take one more look at the submerged room.  I stay in this position scanning the room and thinking of my son what seems to be a long time.

Shaking myself out of my memory of Shannon, I slowly kick to the railing looking down into the Foyer.   Swimming out of the dark room, I notice how the chairs and cutlery remain in place at the tables, but are covered in silt.  Each fin kick stirs up more silt until the back of the dining room is dark and flowing with sediment.  I click on the light on my diving rig and swim over the railing and down to the lower level.  I notice more silt has been kicked up and I’m a bit confused.  The ship looks different going out than when I came in.  I’ve noticed that with some hikes I’ve been on.  If you go the opposite way the scenery looks very different.  It’s like that now as I’m not sure which way to exit the major foyer area, and I make a mistake.  I begin swimming in a direction that I soon realize is not the route I followed entering the ship.  The hallways begin to get increasingly narrower.   As I continue thinking I’ll find out a way I’m getting more lost.  At least at two junctions I’ve taken turns down hallways which I didn’t recognize.  I’m lost and low on air.  Not good.  Not good at all.

13.

My breathing is fast and shallow.  I’m becoming panicked and not thinking clearly.  Fear is my companion now and I wish to leave it behind.  All I need is an exit and all will be well, but I continue to swim down narrow dark hallways with closed doors.  My fear is quickly turning to full blown panic as I notice I want to remove my breathing device and take off my scuba mask.  I’ve had this sensation once before when I was a new diver and almost drowned.  Back then I had the presence of mind to close my eyes and think of my breathing.  The thoughts to  remove my gear left me and I felt better.  I do that now.  I closed my eyes and thought to slow down my breathing.  I thought of Jean and what she said about always being with me.  The nice thoughts worked and I felt better.  I also felt better because I thought of Shannon.  My son felt close even though I could not see him.  With my eyes closed I noticed a light dancing from the other sides of my lids.  I opened my eyes and he is there.  It’s Shannon.  Reaching out he grasps my arm and embraces me.  With wide eyes I return his embrace and we stay stationary holding each other.  He takes my arm and gracefully swims down a hallway that I think is in wrong direction.   I try to to let him know this may be the wrong way,  but he smiled his awesome smile and gestured to follow him.  I was in awe to be in his presence again and loved everything about this moment.  My low air, my lost way, any and all.  It doesn’t matter.  With him holding my hand, he leads me through the puzzle of scary dark hallways like a small child.  I yield to him and become aware of the many times I had lead him through his childhood.  Our role is now changed.  I’m the child and he’s now leading me to safety.  We only swim down two hallways and move into a large hall with a lovely chandelier hanging from the ceiling.  I don’t recognize the room so much, but the chandelier really hits home.  I now realize the large entrance at the back end of the ship is on the other side of this room.  Shannon looks at me an understands my relief.  He gives me the smile with his eyes and we both swim out of the room and out of the ship.  

As we exit the ship I notice the light is less dim.  It’s not bright by any means, but there is some ambient light.  I am now wondering how we’re going to get above the ice but Shannon is miming something.  It looks like he’s taking an object out of his dive suit.  I stupidly look at him and then it hits me.  He wants me to remove the Orb.  I do so and once again just like on the mountain top, the object flares in a very bright light.  We both squint our eyes and turn our heads.  The Orb now illuminates the ship and it looks no so scary but quite beautiful.  The interior is somewhat lit up and as I look into the back of the ship I see the Orb’s light has reflected off of the many parts of the chandelier.  It’s shining and twinkling inside now along with the muddy bottom and the sides of the ship.  Its all quite impressive, but I’m very low on air right now.  I glance at my air gage and notice it’s below 500 psi.  This is not good and I’ve got to get to the surface or I’m out of air.  Shannon takes my arm and we give a gentle kick to the surface.  We ascend very slowly and as we get around 10 ft. from the surface we stop.

I’ve done this before with him when we were in the lagoon.  I wonder why we continue to get together under the sea.  In that time the water was warm, in this it’s quite cold.  Freezing actually.  I still don’t understand why scuba diving was central to our time together.  It’s something I think of often now that I’m back in my every day life.

We need to decompress, or the bends may set in.  While I’m hovering at that depth I look into my son’s eyes.  They are full of mirth and love.  I’ve known this kid since he was born.  I even watched his birth.  When he arrived he was given to my wife to hold.  Being very relieved that he and my wife were both okay,  I said hello to the baby.  He immediately turned his head and looked in my direction like he knew me.  I like to think so.  The eyes looking at me now are my son’s and I want to stay here for a very long time.  Unfortunately it’s time to go.  I take the Orb without really knowing what I’m doing and hold it above my head kind of pointing it toward the ice surface.  

The Orb flares and a jet of light pulses toward the ice, breaking a large hole through.  The noise is more of a cannon going off as the ice shatters and we have a way out.  Once the ice breaks apart, the Orb once again lowers it’s wattage an provides us a light to exit the ocean.

Shannon removes his dive tank and hands it to me.  I wait while he elegantly gives a kick and is sitting on the edge of the oceans surface.  I lift his tanks a bit and he takes them.  I then take off my gear and give it to him and he repeats the process.  I then try to mimic his elegant actions and only make it half way out.  He grabs me under the arm and pulls me the rest of the way out.  I land on the ice like a seal and laugh.  We both laugh actually.  I reach over and we hug each other while the Orb lights the area around us in a nice glow.  I also notice that its mostly dark around us and we’re wet.  We should be really cold, even hypothermic actually, but it feels very warm.  We hug each other for some time and then get up and carrying our gear towards my abandon sled I had dragged out her a lifetime ago.  We put the stuff in the sled and Shannon drags the load behind us.  I attempt to get more information on his location and how I can contact him.   He gives me general information that isn’t what I want.  He tells me not to worry or try to hard to understand, but to do the best I can until it’s my time.  It goes on like this until we reach my rental car.  I’m not sure how this is going to work.  Do I drive him somewhere or what?  I pop the locks and both of us get in the car.  At this point, Shannon says that I look tired and maybe a nap would help me out.  I don’t want a nap and say so.  We both laugh as that’s what he would say when I was trying to get him to lay down when he was a toddler.  We used to joke about his response when he got older.  But I do feel tired.  Actually really tired.

I awake to bright sunshine pouring through the car.  The light hurts my eyes and I squint.  It takes me a few seconds to orient myself and remember where I am.  It all comes back to me in an instant and I look over at the passenger seat.  No Shannon.  After checking a bit, I also find that I don’t have the Orb either.  I open the car door and look around, maybe I can find where he went or he’ll come back.  What I find is a single set of tracks leading from the sea ice to the car.

S**t.

13.

After I got back into my car after giving a bit more introspection with regard to the one set of tracks,  I didn’t know what to do or where to go.  So I drove South and reached the small regional airport and did the flight connection thing and made my way home. 

When I parked in the garage at my home in the mountains, I sat for some time looking through the windshield in the dark hoping something would come to me to make sense of what just happened and why. When I walked into the house, I was confronted by my wife asking if I was all right and where had I gone to.

I tried to explain my trip to my wife, but she was pretty sure I was hallucinating due to the shock of losing our son and needed help.  No matter how I tried to explain the words came out sounding like a desperate man wanting someone to share his fantasy.  I told her of the entire journey, but she wasn’t having any of it.  Realizing that I had frightened the woman, I altered the story to that of a long drive to get a bit of time away from work.  I didn’t mention my time as a Guide and the Angel that I sort of rescued.  I didn’t mention the Mountain or the Lagoon or the Ship.  I thought of how I would form the words, but it sounded like the ramblings of an insane person who needs therapy.   It even sounded insane to me and I lived it.  There were so many parts that maybe I did image things or maybe I did live them.  I don’t know, especially now that I’m getting on with age and near retirement.  While commuting home from work I daydream of my experiences and wonder if I did indeed make them up.  Maybe a man who lost his son cannot cope with the reality and manufactures a new version.  One that allows him to get through another day without his child.  

The days are stacking up now and I’m not sure of anything.  So I go to work and come home and try to do the best I can.  Its something, but not really.  This is the sum of my existence.

On many occasions, the the wonder of why this world is so difficult floats through my mind, and I don’t have an answer.

Author's Note

Any and all thoughts would be welcome. Thanks again for the time.