Camping out   (Part 2 of 3)

Camping out (Part 2 of 3)

A Story by Frankie
"

Paul and Aria find themselves alone in a tent by firelight. Now what?

"
Ummm. Ah. Yeah, yeah". I blurted out almost incoherently. "What's wrong hon?". I almost groaned in dismay at my use of the term 'hon' to refer to Amanda. I hoped she wouldn't pay any attention to that presumptuousness. "It's really cold in my tent. And I keep hearing animals running around outside. Can I just sleep in here?". Amanda didn't seem to be asking as much as telling me. Of course, I was fine with the suggestion. "Yeah no problem at all. Do you have your pillow and sleeping bag and stuff?". Amanda was already moving into my tent before answering the question. She quickly laid out her sleeping bag and pillow. "It's so much warmer in here. Thank you so much!". I just quietly muttered a "No problem." This was awkward. I barely had enough room for myself since I'm nearly six foot four.  Amanda is tall herself. She's about six feet tall.   And then, there is the problem of me liking to stretch out during the night. I didn't want to kick her accidentally. However, oddly enough, Amanda seemed to be fine with the tight space she had just inherited. "Good night Paul. And thanks again for everything. I'm having a lot of fun. This has been great.". "Youre very welcome Amanda. I'm glad you could come." This brief conversation made me feel better. I was worried this trip might have been pushing it big time. I started to get comfortable for sleep and to breath evenly again when I saw something in the sparkling fire light that made my mouth go dry. My heart started to pound when I saw Amanda who was still on her sleeping bag, rather than in it, remove her jeans and her top. There she is, only two feet away from me, nearly undressed. I was unable to speak. I was interested in what she was doing of course, but her lying in the fluttering light nearly naked was getting me aroused. I had spent the entire day with her. I've enjoyed every minute of our time together. But seeing her in the fire light was making me feel like I didn't just want her, but I needed her in my arms tonight. The idea of pulling her into my sleeping and getting close to her, kissing her, touching her all over... 
The light shined  brightly on her skin. Amanda has an amazing body. My heart is starting to really pound now, and my mouth is getting dry. She is still wearing blue panties and a light blue bra. She continued to move around on her sleeping bag as if she couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't take my eyes off of her for a second. I also had to remind myself to breathe. I didn't want her to know I was watching her so intently, but I nevertheless was. "Paul, I can't sleep."

© 2020 Frankie


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Historically, I'm as dumb as they get when it comes to "taking the hint", but... She was cold, but now lies on top of the sleeping bag in her undies. TIME FOR ACTION, Maynard! Forget the age difference! Of course you leave the reader with an urge to see what comes next. Just a suggestion--if you adhere to the "new speaker, new line" rule, you'll escape what looks like one long paragraph.

Posted 12 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




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I think she might be able to get more comfortable if she takes that bra off. Maybeeee the panties, too. ;)

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Historically, I'm as dumb as they get when it comes to "taking the hint", but... She was cold, but now lies on top of the sleeping bag in her undies. TIME FOR ACTION, Maynard! Forget the age difference! Of course you leave the reader with an urge to see what comes next. Just a suggestion--if you adhere to the "new speaker, new line" rule, you'll escape what looks like one long paragraph.

Posted 12 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

In my previous review, I went on about dialogue, so I'm happy you're already using it here. Don't repeat in expository what you are revealing in dialogue -- for example, paragraph 2 leading into 3: I was fine with the suggestion . . . and then . . . "Yeah, no problem at all." This is redundant. The other thing that stands out to me is when Aria gets undressed . . . this is, at first, expressed so brusquely & minimally, you miss a chance to blow that into a very sensual passage. You are too cerebral, explaining why her undressing right next to you was a turn-on. This could be so much more sensual . . . think in terms of expressing details using all the senses. A little later on you mention the color of her undergarments & this is more like what I'm talking about. You do it well, later on, but this passage misses a chance to be much more pumped up becuz you EXPLAIN before you SHOW. I want to see her squirming, I want to feel her moist breath huffing & puffing as she tugs at her jeans, I want to smell the musky sweaty crotch aromas that become released when her pants come off, I want to hear her hair swish across the sleeping bag and tickle your arm. Think of yourself as a camera, zooming in on the details, SHOWING instead of telling. You don't have to tell us this turns you on when YOU turn the READER on with the way you tell how it unfolds. Sorry if I'm going on & on. I don't want this to feel oppressive. I am being specific becuz your writing is so good, such a good starting point, but begging for some embellishment of intensity. Thanks for understanding ((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Frankie

1 Year Ago

Thank you my friend. I'm humbled by your patience and kindness with me . Hugs
I really like the way things developed here. A very exciting narration. I’m waiting for the sequel. You tell stories beautifully.

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Rania M

2 Years Ago

Okay I’ll put my thinking cap on
😀🧢
Frankie

2 Years Ago

Hey, any ideas from you would be great. No pressure at all. Thanks so much!
Rania M

2 Years Ago

I’m seriously jotting down some options. I’ll be back soon.
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Hmmmm. It seems Paul is in for an interesting night! So many classic female signs being given off by Aria......so unless they are rudely interrupted by a curious bear or an overzealous park ranger.....he has some fun times ahead. You have continued the story well in this second part. I look forward to reading its conclusion. :))

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Frankie

2 Years Ago

Thank you. I'm not sure how I should write the last pàrt. They are very interested in each other.. read more

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Added on February 16, 2020
Last Updated on August 29, 2020

Author

Frankie
Frankie

MN



About
I need a space to share my writings so i can grow as a writer. I mostly write short stories, but I'm working on a book about a serious family saga. I used to be with writerscafe from about 2009 to.. more..

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