A Rant - but there is no rant option in the dropdown

Sorry - probably not the right forum, but I am not a blogger and I am fairly anonymous on here so....

This is a rant.

Do you ever just want to leave?  I mean really leave?  I am a middle child.  I am constantly running around after my family, giving loans that are never repaid, giving time without ever getting thanks, feeling guilty for doing my own thing on extremely rare occasions.  Just this very hour I have had to listen to my dad rant about someone who has been a bit rude, yes, however it has been blown out of all measure of proportion and when I disagreed and said “playing devil’s advocate you need to consider…” the guilt trip started " the usual: “I’m sorry I bothered you” “I’m not going to listen to you justify this persons behaviour” “I am looking out for my family”. 

FOR !!!!! SAKE

You are a grown man!

So there’s that.

Then my mum.  Who has no friends (honestly).  While I feel sorry for her, and I do try to maintain an interest and include her in my solo shopping trips, etc; I don’t want to hear about her sex life (yes she does try to talk to me about it, yes it is with my dad they are still married) or every minute detail of a conversation she had “So then I said no and she said yes and I said I can’t believe that and she said honestly and I said wow I’m shocked and she said…”  Bear in mind this is a conversation she had with a workmate I have never met.

Then my sisters " one who’s world begins and ends with her kids, which is admirable.  However I have a job and she calls me at 9:05 to tell me my nephews teacher said he’s a pleasure to teach or rings me at 20:40 to tell me my niece has just been sick everywhere (my usual “do you need me to come round?” her: “no she’s bathed and sleeping in my bed, I think she was just too hot”).  Right….
I get she’s a single mum and has limited friendships as she has 2 young kids but I really do not need to hear every little detail of her day “He ate pizza for the first time today and he liked it” “she peed in the toilet on her own without telling me she needed to go”. 

Another sister has a fiancé and likes everyone to think she’s got her life together.  She doesn’t. She has removed herself from my family completely, attending the required functions as they arise.  She is so engrossed in his family that she can’t see how distant she has become to her own.  I am sure you are thinking that’s exactly what I want to do " just leave " but it’s not.  I want to go fully on my own.  I don’t want to absorb myself into someone else’s family, I want to be ALONE.  This sister has gone from having a pretty cool job to working 20 hours a week, selling her car and most of her stuff and moving into his flat.  Nice.  Until he kicks her out.  Then my family will sweep in and help - that’s what they do.  As frustrating as they are, they will never turn their backs, even if they are hurt by the way she is currently behaving my family will open their homes to her should she need a place to stay.  That's one of the reasons I feel so bad about my desire to disappear.  I know that if I ran off for 10 years without explanation, they would welcome me back with open arms and without question.

There is another sibling I have nothing to do with so let’s just leave it there.

Now on to the fantasy.  I want to leave.  Just leave.  Get on a plane and just leave.  Through my iPhone into the river and just walk and walk until I am somewhere else completely.  I actually fantasies sometimes that there is a HUGE family argument and I am “excommunicated”.  I dream,of my family shunning me!  That can’t be normal surely? 

For me, a dream day is waking up at 7, doing yoga on the beach, taking a lovely big dog for a walk (like a St Bernard or something - I don’t know why), coming back to my beach house, having a shower, some breakfast and chilling with a book.  Maybe working in the local café or book store in the afternoon.  The most important factor in this is that I just want to be ALONE.  Other people create drama.   Christ!!! Even my best friend is making mountains of molehills:

“I’ve been offered my dream job”
Me: “Fantastic!!!! We should go celebrate”
“Yeah I’m not sure I’m going to take it.  I’m not sure it’s right for me " I mean what if…..”

For the love of all that is holy just take this one moment, this ONE instance and live it! Enjoy it!  Why create all these issues that aren’t there? 

People = drama.  I just don’t want the drama.

Am I the only one?

This is the essence of my struggle.  This is why I don’t have nor do I intend on ever having children.  This is why I do not want a partner; I don’t want to have to deal with other peoples BS.

 

Apologies.  I just needed to get this out.

Author's Note

Again, this is just a rant. I am not a diary keeper and I have no intention of writing a blog. This is a little self indulgent "letting off of steam" if you like :)