Lily White Blood

These are the only pages I will be posting from my screen write I am looking for constructive criticism on how to capture the readers attention faster.

                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                Lily White Blood                           
                                                                           
                                       By                                  
                                                                           
                                  Angie Baker                              
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                        Baised on "Poem Lily White Blood"                  
                                By: Angie Baker                            
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                        Angela Baker                       
                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           

                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
          CHARLES DES MOINES, IA                                           
                                                                           
          CHARLES a slightly heavy set man sits looking exhausted on       
          the side of bed in his hotel room. He moans as he takes his      
          boots off and tosses his boots to the side of the bed            
          looking around as the phone rings. He loosens his bolo           
          picking up the phone. As he listens to the ramblings of AUNT     
          MARTHA and manages to speak a few syllables here and there.      
          He looks around at the room he has just checked into it is       
          sparsely decorated, but clean enough. An open suitcase sits      
          on the dresser.                                                  
                                                                           
                              CHARLES (VO)                                 
                         (Charles chuckles to him self)                    
                    Not exactly the Ritz                                   
                         (as Aunt Martha rattles on in                     
                         the background.)                                  
                                                                           
                              MARTHA                                       
                         (Her voice begins to fade in                      
                         so that it becomes more                           
                         audible)                                          
                    Now Charles don’t forget you                           
                    promised you would stop by the fair                    
                    tonight and watch John and Adrea’s                     
                    son sing. JR. is so excited he has                     
                    told all his friends how his big                       
                    record producer uncle will be there                    
                    to hear him sing.                                      
                                                                           
                              CHARLES                                      
                         (sigh’s to himself and makes a                    
                         talking motion with his hand                      
                         out of boredom)                                   
                    Yes Martha, I would not miss it for                    
                    the world.                                             
                                                                           
                                                             FADES OUT     
                                                                           
                                                              FADES IN     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          THE STATE FAIR                                                   
                                                                           
          Dusk is just setting in as Charles arrives at the state          
          fair. The noises of the rides blend with the laughter and        
          screams of those on the rides and the music of the games.        
          Charles stands behind a MOM and her three kids all demanding     
          how many tickets they need as the mom looks frustratedly at      
          her quickly emptying change purse and the prices on the          
          sheet of paper. Charles take pity on her pretends to grab        
          something off the ground and hands it to the mom.                
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           

          CONTINUED:                                              2.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              CHARLES                                      
                         (winks knowingly at the poor                      
                         mom)                                              
                    I saw this fall from your purse                        
                    Mam.                                                   
                                                                           
                              MOM                                          
                         (tears in her eyes as she                         
                         stares at the hundred dollar                      
                         bill)                                             
                    I I I can’t..                                          
                                                                           
                              CHARLES                                      
                         (smiles)                                          
                    It fell from your purse mam.                           
                                                                           
          As the woman walks away with her kids Martha walks up to         
          Charles and grabs him in a big bear hug.                         
                                                                           
                              MARTHA                                       
                    I saw that you big softy.                              
                                                                           
                              CHARLES                                      
                         (laughs)                                          
                    Aunt Martha                                            
                         (then gets serious)                               
                    I remember how hard you and Uncle                      
                    Jerry worked to see to it that John                    
                    and I never went without after mom                     
                    and dad died. Then you lost uncle                      
                    Jerry and you worked so hard to                        
                    keep us from going without.                            
                                                                           
          Charles buy admission tickets for Martha and himself. They       
          walk through the gate.                                           
                                                                           
                              CHARLES                                      
                    Now where is that young JR singing?                    
                    Lead the way.                                          
                                                                           
          They walk to the back passing up the noisy rides and gaming      
          vendors and find their way back to where the stadium style       
          concrete bleachers are taking there seats just as the            
          announcer announces the next act. There in the middle of the     
          race track grounds a homemade but not to shabby stage has        
          been built for this occasion. The fair can be heard but ever     
          so slightly as the stadium blocks out most of the noise. A       
          slightly nervous CAROLINE stands back stage ready to enter.      
                                                                           
                              ANNOUNCER                                    
                    Now we will hear from the lovely                       
                    Miss Caroline Rush.                                    
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           

          CONTINUED:                                              3.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
          Charles is amazed by the crowds reaction to this young           
          ladies name. People standing up clapping, woots, hollers,        
          and whistles greet this young lady as she enter from behind      
          the curtain onto the stage. Her fiery Red hair blowing is        
          the first thing he notices about this minx that and her          
          wonderful fair flawless skin and wondrously sharply body in      
          those tight fitting jeans with a fancy western shirt and         
          those designer cowboy boots.                                     
                                                                           
                              CHARLES (VO)                                 
                    Well this lady knows how to package                    
                    what she has for sure. But can her                     
                    voice possibly live up to the                          
                    audience expectations and the                          
                    package she presents.                                  
                                                                           
          Caroline begins to sing and holds out her hand to hush the       
          audience. As if by magic the audience quiets down and sits       
          to listen and watch the show. Caroline has the audience          
          eating out of her hands as she dances and sings. She has a       
          natural charisma like non Charles has ever seen. Her voice       
          is also like none and yet like so many. She goes sultry low      
          at just the right times then rises up like a Phoenix rising      
          from the flames as she hits those high notes like an             
          operatic singer. The audience sits stunned beyond words or       
          movement as if in a trance as the song ends she uses that        
          low sultry voice to raise the audience to a standing ovation     
          including Charles.                                               
                                                                           
                              CHARLES (VO)                                 
                    Who is the spitfire? Who trained                       
                    her? Oh, My gosh where has she been                    
                    my hole life?]                                         
                                                                           
                              CAROLINE                                     
                         (bowing four times to the                         
                         audience)                                         
                    Thank you! Thank you! You are to                       
                    kind! My gracious you know how to                      
                    make a lady feel loved!                                
                                                                           
          With each bow and comment the crowd grows louder. It becomes     
          obvious one song will not do from this lady. The announcer       
          comes out in hopes of clamming down the audience. Miss           
          Caroline begins to walk off the stage. Announcer after           
          trying to settle the crowed turns to the disappearing            
          Caroline.                                                        
                                                                           
                              ANNOUNCER                                    
                    I do believe the audience wants                        
                    more of you Miss Caroline. Would                       
                    you do us the honor of one more                        
                    song?                                                  
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           

          CONTINUED:                                              4.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
          Caroline turns half embarrassed yet whole heartedly honored      
          back to the announcer.                                           
                                                                           
                              CAROLINE                                     
                    Why certainly. I would be honored.                     
                                                                           
          As she comes back on stage the audience gets even louder and     
          once again she works her magic with them quieting them with      
          her song and action she is mesmerizing as she sings and          
          preforms. Charles can not believe his luck in finding this       
          young lady at the state fair.                                    
                                                                           
                                                              FADE OUT     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          BACK STAGE                                                       
                                                                           
          Caroline packs her belonging to leave ecstatic and the           
          response the audience has given her. As she turns to leave       
          she sees a man standing at the exit with the hugest Texas        
          grin she has ever seen. He is slightly overweight and            
          balding ever so slightly barley noticeable under his ten         
          gallon hat, wearing what is obviously a designer western         
          outfit complete with bolo tie and designer cowboy boots.         
          Another singer she thinks to herself as she smiles.              
                                                                           
                              CHARLES                                      
                         (finds himself speechless for                     
                         possibly the first time in his                    
                         life)                                             
                    I caught you act Miss Caroline. You                    
                    are incredible. Do you have an                         
                    agent Mam?                                             
                                                                           
                              CAROLINE (VO)                                
                    Another one claiming to be an                          
                    agent!                                                 
                                                                           
                              CHARLES                                      
                         (hands her his card)                              
                    Let me introduce myself I am                           
                    Charles Bradshire of Bradshire                         
                    Talents and Productions. Perhaps                       
                    you have heard of me?                                  
                                                                           
                              CAROLINE                                     
                         (stairs at the card wide eyed)                    
                    Yes SIR!! Who in the country music                     
                    industry has not heard of Bradshire                    
                    Talent and Productions! But what                       
                    would bring such a man as yourself                     
                    to IA?                                                 
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           

Author's Note

The story will be based on the principle of the poem I wrote Lily White Blood. I have about a third of the script done. This is the first few pages of my first rough draft. I am sure there will be so many rough drafts before I am even close to finished. Thank you in advance for any and all constructive criticism. This story idea has been copy written.

Reviews

[mariah]

wow...i like it, very interesting perspective. you are very creative in your writting, keep up the good work!!!
-mariah

[wyrd]

hmm I really dont know anything about screen plays but I do watch lots and lots of movies. Seems to me that you could omit the opening sceen and go right in with the state fair. The charactor build ups the basic situations, conflicts played out in dialogue and action rather then the narrative set ups one gets in novels. If you want to grab peoples attention right off, starting off with depressed guy in a sad hotel room, works if you have nicolas cage playing the part, other wise you are heading into chick flick territory.
hmm now I guess I should read the poem.

[MandaBear]

a great read. I dont even know if anything bad can be said about this. you have dont a wonderful job. cant wait for more!!