Flutter Flutter

Flutter Flutter

A Story by Rana
"

a story within a story

"
As tiny as an ant and as harmless as a housefly, it kept moving on the unfamiliar surface. The space seemed to be like a tube, it was dark and warm inside. The farther it travelled, the more sticky the land felt. Very soon, it reached a dead end. When it tried to turn around and walk out of the tube, it found that it was so covered in the adhesive, waxy substance that it could'nt move an inch. It began to flutter in panic.

***

The breeze can touch you in queer ways. She closed her eyes, letting her heart swell with the joy that came from all the beauty she sensed. Ivan's song while he played the guitar, the smell of the marshmallows that everyone was enjoying, the warmth of the fire around which they sat and the grand aura that surrounded them. It was her first experience of camping out in the wilderness with friends. There were six of them and it seemed like they had found something new in the togetherness. No one wanted to sleep, though they had to pack it all up and leave early next morning.

Karen opened her eyes at the sound of the clapping. Ivan was grinning awkwardly. They decided he would do another song after Larry-the-storyteller had narrated one of his best horror tales.

"Okay, guys, now to make it more special, I'm going to tell you about a real thing that happened when we moved into this weird house about two years ago. You can even ask mom about it when we return, if you don't believe me", Larry said, his eyes gleaming earnestly. Someone's wristwatch made a loud beep. It was 2:00 am. Karen grabbed a bag of Doritos.

"This house had really odd rumors about its history, you know. Apparently, the guy sold it after losing both members of his family, right in there. Some say his lady shot herself after their little girl died, some say he killed 'em both, some say other things too." Larry said.

"Damn rumors", someone said.

"Anyway, so one morning I was in bed, all cozy, when mom's cry woke me right up. I entered the room next to mine and found her looking like she had just gulped down a bowl of monkey's eyeballs."

"Gross, Larry", someone said, choking over the marshmallows.

"Turned out she had been merrily painting the inside of the closet in the nursery when she had suddenly noticed this tiny human finger lying on it's floor, all rotten." The girls gasped. It felt cold despite the blazing fire.

"When we bent down to examine it, we spot these indecipherable scrawls on the inner walls of the closet, written in childish hand. All we could make out was 'Dadda hates me much'. Mom decided--"

"Talk about skeletons in the closets", someone interrupted, instinctly.

"So mom decided to call the police but I told her we should just--" Larry continued.

Quite abruptly, Karen let out a bloodcurdling scream and stood up, her hands trying to shake the left ear off. The others rushed to gather around her, ask her what it was and calm her down.

"There's something inside my ear. It's living, it's moving", she shouted, her eyes almost filling up with tears.

"How do we get it out?", someone asked.

"Pour in some water maybe", someone suggested.

"Hey, I've got a pack of cotton swabs, here, try this", another kid said.

Some minutes later, they had soothed and tucked her in. Then, they all decided to get into their own tents and repose until dawn.

***

It was still fluttering when the tip of a cotton swab appeared and began drawing closer, menacingly. There was no escape, none at all. Brutally mashed against the walls of the inner ear, the poor insect couldn't survive the injuries.


© 2015 Rana


Author's Note

Rana
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Reviews

I like this. The different points of view is something I don't see a lot and you did it in a way that introduced the story with more questions than answers. This, I think, is the best way to start a story. I'll be reading more of your stuff.

Posted 2 Years Ago


Rana

2 Years Ago

Thank you so much, Joey! :)
This is quite a good story, I love the double plotlines. My only suggestion is that you could develop the bug's story a little but otherwise it's really good. Well done!

Posted 4 Years Ago


Rana

4 Years Ago

Thank you, I think I'll work on that soon :)
There's great atmosphere in this, a feeling of something happening all the time, even though you've set the scene so well. You've set a story within a story which can muddle a simple mind like mine.. but is a good idea. Good and believable natural dialogue, by the way.

Think my one criticism would be that double spacing, or larger font, etc would make it easier to read.. or rather, focus upon. At times i needed to re.read bits.and my eyes found it hard to trawl the letters at those times. Must stress i have good eyesight!

Apart for that. really enjoyed your spooky story, shows great flair. Fine attention to language by the way, which is as it should be.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


Rana

4 Years Ago

Thanks a lot, Emma, for the review! Editted it a bit and will further. Thanks :)
A very creepy story. Well told and easy to read.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


Rana

4 Years Ago

Thank you Craig :)
I think this is a good story, but it needs a little more definition. The insect's tale must parallel to the campfire story, both horror intheir own way. Also, I wish i could read the end of Larry's story.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Rana

4 Years Ago

Hm, thanks much Marie, I will work on it further! :)
Gaston is onto something, Rana....but I'd take it a step further if I were you.

If you had Larry dialogue his way through the tale...make it spooky, create that proper campfire atmosphere...THEN hit us with that ending, it'd come off even better, I think.
We'd all be roped in thinking it was a simple camp tale, having all but forgotten the lost insect from the opener...only to be brought back to screeching reality.

I think this is good, but it could be great. Especially if you found a way to make who got "attacked" relevant somehow. Or pointed.
Anyway, nice work, as always.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


Justin Robben

4 Years Ago

Mmm hmm. So far so good 'spookifyin'' Larry's tale... :)
Rana

4 Years Ago

:D Haha yes, thanks much, Justin, so I editted it using your tips. You see, I'm not really good at f.. read more
I all have to say is WOW
I think this is my favorite thing you've written Rana
I was hoodwinked entirely until the end and I admire how you swayed us one way and then brought us back.
Keep up the good work!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Rana

2 Years Ago

(As a reader) I think until she says "..It's living, it's moving" I couldn't see any apparent connec.. read more
Gaston Villanueva

2 Years Ago

Thanks again!
I hope you got as much out of analyzing your work as I did :)
Rana

2 Years Ago

Oh yes :) i had never done this before thanks for asking me to!

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562 Views
7 Reviews
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Shelved in 1 Library
Added on June 21, 2015
Last Updated on July 27, 2015
Tags: insect, ear

Author

Rana
Rana

About
Yay! hello :) I have a butterfly net that sweeps in ideas fluttering in my head. I like to write just as much as i like to read and i began writing fiction in 7th grade. But the first thing i ever wr.. more..

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