The Train from Boston

At 3:52, a scared young boy sat at the loading dock for the train from Boston. The train ran everyday at exactly 4:00. The station was crowded. People bumped and shoved and nearly knocked him over as they rushed past, paying no attention to him. Nor should they. He was nothing to them, nothing to no one.

            A glance at the clock told him it was 3:56. Only four minutes to wait. He stood and stepped closer towards the tracks, listening. He could only slightly hear the whistle of the train from Boston, which was still probably quite a ways out seeing how fast trains travel. Then again, he didn’t really know how fast trains traveled. Fast enough, he hoped.

            3:57. Three minutes left now. Three minutes until the end, or possibly the beginning. Three minutes until new, until different. Three minutes until the only thing that mattered to him was that nothing mattered. No one mattered. Just as he didn’t matter to anyone or anything.

            At 3:57 he glanced over his shoulder, and regretted it the moment he did. It was like a scene from a movie where boy sees girl and nothing else, no one else exists. Only this time it wasn’t the typical, clichéd “love at first sight.” No, that was a load of nonsense. Every aspect of it. He knew her the minute he saw her. He knew everything about her. Or at least, everything that the rumors said about her.

            She was young, but he knew that. She was beautiful. He hadn’t known that. He had pictured her with red, frizzy hair and way too many freckles. She had the perfect amount of freckles and her red, wavy hair was just as perfect. But beauty couldn’t hide the scared look on her face.

He knew too much about her past. He knew she was young, scarred, naïve. He wondered why she was here. The same reason he was here? He hoped not. Beauty like hers was a terrible thing to waste.

He waited for her to walk away, to move, to do anything but stand there and stare at him, her head cocked to one side. The fear in her expression slowly started to shift towards confusion. She was probably wondering why this loser, this freak stared at her. He smiled a weak, pathetic excuse for a smile, only causing her to look even more confused.

3:58. Time was running out. He knew what she had been through, what she had seen. He only had two minutes now to make a decision. He thought he knew what he wanted to do. His mind had been made up. But then there she was. Changing everything. Making everything more complicated.

The train from Boston was close. He could hear it start to slow down; he could hear the whistle. I wasn’t just something off in the distance. It was real. It was now.

3:59. One minute. One minute to change a life.

‘You can’t do this to her,’ he thought as he redirected his stare from the impatient clock that refused to slow down to the shattered girl who refused to move.

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and walked towards her. She had saved his life, maybe he could save hers.

Author's Note

This piece was inspired by Melina Marchetta's "Jellicoe Road."

Reviews

[E. A. Fielder]

GAH! A cliff hanger! I love these but at the same time I hate them. I want to know what happens but at the same time I want to let my imagination take hold. I like how you kept going back to the clock. It really built up the suspense and added to my wonder. Yes, Dany you are one hell of a writer and quite an inspiration!

[Taylor H.]

There are no grammar issues as I can find. I do think you have a few places where you used a period instead of a comma. But that's personal preference.
and "Nor should they. He was nothing to them, nothing to no one." should be "nothing to anyone"
As for the story itself: I felt it did a lot of telling and the part where he sees the girl for the first time was kind of confusing at the beginning. I'm a little confused about the last line. Did he actually know the girl or did it just seem like he did because he loved her so instantly? I did enjoy this story. I thought it was a very sweet story. Great job.

[Sarah J. Kelleher]

I really enjoyed this. It's very down-to-the-second urgent, makes for suspense and therefore makes me read on. :) I love how the girl is a sort of time-stopping agent, (for lack of a better phrase, haha) to the boy. He seems very intrigued and almost mesmerized by her, the want in him to save her is immense. One thing I noticed-- you definitely used the word scared a lot. Perhaps an online thesaurus? That's how I like to prevent word repetition. Other than that, loved it!

[Drumsticks]

Interesting story. You mentioned fear and confusion from her, it sort of is distracting from the build up. Maybe you want to build up with more information. Also when you describe her, you can talk about how he remembered her so we can make a distinction. Will add to the scene too. I will be able to say more if there was more to read. At this point, sure it is very interesting. Also you have a typo with SCARRED.

[Michael Jarrell]

I love youth love stories :D You did a great job describing the level the boy and girl connected on, how he earily knew she had been through the same trauma he had. The only thing I would suggest is to clarify if it was 3:52 AM or 3:52 PM? That way your reader won't be trying to figure that out in their head while reading on. Great job though! Kudos!

[Holly O'Brien]

hmmm...I could tell he was about to kill himself but I was still confused as to who the young girl was. Looked up that book and read the summary. Are you writing from the perspective of the boy? Or is this just a completely different character you made up and used the characters from the book as an influence? lol I'm sorry, I always want to know as much as I can about a piece....

Overall, I enjoyed this. It's a very sweet story♥