Act III - The flying giant fire-spitting squirrel and...wait, what?

Act III - The flying giant fire-spitting squirrel and...wait, what?

A Story by John

Music of the week: Taxi. The squirrel suggested ...Hard a*s dance?, so I'm putting both here. As you will notice, neither have anything to do with...well, anything.

 Now, on with the plot!


     �" Finding an open inn at this time of the night will be rough. We are better off speeding the plan up and sending the Hoppers back in time. Munch, how does the time travelling device works? �" Akira wondered as they walked aimlessly around the city.

     �" It's quite simple actually. You choose the number of travelers with these two buttons, then turn the switch. Like this!

     �" Wai...


     �" Well...good job, you fucked up. Again. �" Bobs scolded Munch while he checked to see who went away and who stayed �" At least we got the teams right. But you left me can you be certain they'll arrive at the right date?

     �" That is why the device took so long to create. I was lost trying to get the meta-cake algorithms to combine with the pew-pew logarithms. Whenever I tried to test the device on mice, the screen would display "The cake is a lie" and it would go 'boink'. Yes, boink. Can't even get a decent onomatopoeia around here.

     �" So what did you do to make it work?

     �" I asked for help. Ban told me to swap meta-cake with meta-pie algorithms. Bozo told to me go f**k myself, which I did try, to no avail. Akira was too busy watching plays with creationists to help me out. So I went and asked Shank. He told me to commune with the primal spirits of the past.

     �" What the...

     �" So I managed the achieve Nirvana and commune with them. They gave me the legendary programming code to activate The Gatekeeper, a legendary being of great strength. According to my calculations, our guys were sent to his realm, and he will take them to where they need to go.

     �" I...see. You've been drinking too much absynth, you know that? Way too much.

Meanwhile, somewhere in space and time...

     �" Ok guys, let's not get desperate. Munch used this stupid machine and sent us somewhere. Let's use our minds and artistic criativity to try and discover how it works. �" Akira tried to establish order in the group as they floated in the seamlessly vortex of realities.

     �" I don't remember setting the time where we needed to go. Did we do that? No, we didn't. We are so fucked. �" Ban was going desperate, and Guax watched his 'friend' succumb to madness in helpless silence.

     �" Calm the f**k down, bro. I'm sure Munch wouldnt just throw us into the time fiber without setting everything correctly first!

     �"...That's kind of is exactly what he did.

     �" Hey guys, I see a light! In the end of the tunnel! �" Bozo screamed at the top of his lungs.

A few moments after, all 4 lost their conscience. When they woke up, they were on the floor of what seemed to be a badly decorated office. It was possible to hear 'Cinderella man' playing faintly. Across the room, a huge man waited on a huge chair. He was looking at them with a twisted expression, bouncing his pecs, one at a time. A terrifying sight, indeed.

      �" About time you got up, nigz. I am Yuri. But you can call me boss. Or master. The ancient spirits told me of the arrival of a scrawny bunch. You, I assume. What can the awesome me do you for?

     �" Ermh, we need your help, Yur... �" Akira tried to say, getting up.

     �" Boss. Or master.

     �" We need your help, boss. We were sent here by our friend, and we need to get to the 40's urgently.

     �" I see...Well, I can help you with that, on one condition.

     �" If its a sacrifice, we brought an extra person just in case �" Bozo said, pushing Guax into Yuri's direction.

     �" I don't know what you do in your land, but around here that is just gross. Anyways! I've heard that you are plotting against Nature. That b***h dumped me a few centuries ago, and I never got over her. They say revenge is a dish best served frozen. I want my dish NOW. So take me along in your epic journey, and allow me to be of use.

     �" Uh, sure, I guess. But we are going to a place to discuss science geekiness, and you don't seem to be the brightest kid around...

     �" WHAT? �" Yuri screamed and the ground cracked, letting out gouts of fire.

     �" Oh god nevermind please forget what I said, dont fry me please. �" Akira mumbled in desperation.

     �" What he meant, great one �" Ban said pulling Akira back �" is that you would be better suited in our other group, fighting directly against Nature, in an epic battle for survival while you wait for us to come back. �" "Dear god, thank you Munch" He thought to himself.

     �" I like the sound of that. Let's get going then. My navigational capabilities are pretty terrible so the journey might take some time.

As he said that, his body started to grow. Bones snapped, flesh got ripped apart to give room for giant members. Soon, the huge man became a giant squirrel.

     �" Hop on me, nigz. �" He said, breathing fire into one of his paintings. �" Damn! I liked that one.

     �" Are you sure that is safe? �" Ban asked, reluctant to jump into the beast.

     �" Don't worry. My fur will hold you and keep you warm, and I have an USB radio on the back of my neck, with a lot of musics from Lil' D, Big Pa, Dee-lo and some others. Sure you'll like it.

     �" Oh, god. This will be a looooong trip...

And off they went, as the journey just gained a whole new level of weird.

© 2012 John

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Added on December 1, 2012
Last Updated on December 1, 2012



Brasilia, DF, Brazil

Just someone who writes a lot of random stuff... more..

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