Whispers

unrequited love

You broke my heart, you set my soul on fire,

You claimed to care, you claim you had no choice;

You had no love, mine was the lone desire,

Forever haunted by your distant voice...

A symphony of chaos running free

With endless clashing, raging in my head,

At first your song was soft, with voices sweet,

But just as winter’s sap, it froze instead.

I dove into our love despite your qualm,

I never saw your reaching hand rescind.

In vain I thought that we would share a psalm,

Instead it was just whispers of the wind.

You say your love for me was like a spell,

Your love became my crutch: it’s gone, I fell.

Author's Note

Constructive criticism is appreciated, just don't be rude about it

Reviews

[CMC]

An exceptional sonnet. Lovely imagery of fire, cold, and general contrast. All of the images also seem to convey a deathly sense of longing, which breeds urgency for the narrator to be heard (congratulations, that is incredibly difficult to do). You made an excellent allusion with the psalm as well. That is something I never would have thought to do. A couple of tiny nitpicks. The first one is something I'm guilty of, I think you might have omitted the word "in" at the end of your 2nd line, 2nd stanza between "raging" and "my", thus breaking your meter. The other one's even tinier and a matter of flavor, but you could use qualms instead of qualm to get a better flow with despite.

[CMC]

Good job fixing the meter in the edit. Again, bravo on such a pretty sonnet, Chandler.

[Chandler Oswin]

thank you so much for these comments. I think they are longer than the sonnet itself lmao

[CMC]

Indubitably, good Chandler. Indubitably XD

[@_av_poetry]

Lovely poem. I think many people can relate with unreturned love, love that was promised but never given. I especially like the last 2 lines. Good job :)

[Chandler Oswin]

Thank you so much!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Indeed a lilting well metred piece as the protagonist laments the love he dedicated himself to only to be rejected. Filled with pathos.

[Chandler Oswin]

Yeah, it is emotion heavy. I'm very emotional so I'm trying to better channel my emotions through poetry instead of screaming in my bed. So far I think it's working. (fyi the protagonist is a woman in my mind)