On Apostrophe Usage

Somethyme's in lyfe, we has difficulty with good grammar's and more pacifically, good punctuation's.

In English punctuation, there a many ways to use an apostrophe.

Here is a list of them. 

1. Possessive singular and grouping 

ex. Jim's dick was too large for Monica, so she declined his sexual advances. 

ex. The soccer team's star player was also mentally retarded. 

2.  Possessive plurals

ex. The teacher listened to the students' bickering, but couldn't do a goddamn thing about it because she was watching the clock and working off a hangover from her drinking binge during lunch. 

ex. I found my parents' d***o. 

3. Contractions

It is often common for apostrophe usage mistakes to occur in the omission of letters and numbers from words and dates. This is very easy to fix because there is only one rule with contractions: the apostrophe must go exactly where the omitted material was before. 

ex. I used to smoke hard drugs in the '70s. 

(Note that the 19 in 1970 was omitted, so an apostrophe is necessary.)

NOT- I used to smoke hard drugs in the 70's.

ex. I couldn't find my crack pipe, so Lucy didn't come over to smoke with me. 

(Also here note that could not and did not are used as contractions. The O was omitted in both words and replaced with an apostrophe.)

4. What to NEVER DO with Apostrophes

Possessive pronouns, words that end with S, and general plural forms of nouns never need an apostrophe. 

ex. My mother owned seven cats, but I think she has gotten used to gutting them and eating their organs for sustenance. Now, she has no cats. 

(I could have also written now she's no cats to indicate that she has no cats. But that is more of a style issue because it is better to not use a contraction that can be read as too ambiguous, such as the discrepancy between she is and she has. Both use the same contraction.)

NOT- My mother is fat because she ate too many pancake's. 

NOT- My mothers' a disgusting lush who drinks two case's of beer. 

NOT My brother got his' gun out because zombie's decapitated his homeless girlfriend. 

5. What to Do about James

The argument of what to do with a noun that ends with an S in terms of apostrophe usage has been around for a very long time. I say this: just put the possessive apostrophe at the end of the word and be done with it. 

ex. James' fat a*s could never get Stacy's attention. 

NOT- Jame's friends are all gay men. 

NOT- Jamese's dad used to like to shoot at beer cans with a BB gun.  

Please steal this. I wrote it for you.

Go on. 

Take. 

It. 

And please be reasonable about your work regarding apostrophe usage before posting.

Thank you.   

Reviews

[danielle.]

I found this quite funny, maybe even lol’d. It’s a bit like the one about the word ‘f**k’.
I’m pretty sure people who own crack pipes always know where they are - that is my only critique.

[Delmar Cooper]

Thanks for sharing and the smile inducing examples. I too find Professor Strunk a good companion, a nod to E.B. White and William Zinzer while I'm at it. I did not find the examples offensive, by the way. I prefer yours to Strunk's, "Charleses tonsils." If you ever have a child do not name him Charles, or if you must, never let him have any possessions or tonsils.
Thanks for sharing this.

[CLR9]

It is a bit of a parody, but nobody is going to read Strunk anymore. It's too dry. Consider this a homage and a helpful little thing for the WC bros.

[Relic]

Edgy examples aside, I'm glad to see someone pointing all this out. Although I eliminate some punctuation I've still got my Willie Strunk elements of style book on the shelf.

[CLR9]

Thank God for someone who understood this. I will buy you a beer some day. Strunk EOS and William Z On Writing Well.

[Spamalot]

The goal of this isn't to help with the obvious, but to write "edgy" examples in order to aggrandize yourself.

Given that you know the examples will offend some, yet deliberately state them that way speaks volumes on your respect for the reader.

[CLR9]

I'm edgy as hell dood.

[Spamalot]

Edgy? Naa, you're trying to make your writing seem more interesting by, in effect, sprinkling glitter on, in the form of unnecessary crudity. Makes you seem really young.

Edgy is your intent. But does the reader know that? Telling people what they learned in the lower grades as if they hadn't heard it before—literally the basics—does little.

Hit on useful things like the em-dash, the ellipsis, and other things many new writers don't know how to handle would be of service, profane or not.

[CLR9]

Bro Im so edge you dont' even kno

[jacob erin-cilberto]

Im' reading this and coul'dnt find a damn thing
wrong with any of the apostrophe's used in the contraction's
or the plura'ls.
And I was born in the 50s'
Clever examples', very pacific!
j.

[CLR9]

Hell yeah dood.