A Song Sketch

I sketched this out for my best friend "Nix is typing..." Prior to Writer's Cafe, her and I have been best friends for weeks, and her friendship means the world to me.

If I'd met you sooner
Pain would've vanished, tears wouldn't have lasted
If I'd known you prior

We'd have carried each other, through all of the baggage
I wish I could go back and retrace all my steps
I wish I could go back and not have liked my ex
But these lessons in life could've never occurred from the sane
So thank you for holding my pain

If I'd known you earlier
I don't think I'd have fallen apart
We'd have been there together
And helped each of us not to break our hearts

Both are lives are similar

Even down to the day we were born
You are one in a million
And we'd not have these scars that we torn

Thank you for the care that you've given to me
Thank you for the smiles and the laughter this week
I wouldn't be breathing
I wouldn't be singing
If I hadn't met you this year
So bestie if you're hearing this

Thank you for being here.

It's a nitro speed typing, straight through our texts
It's the laughs and the smiles, of the things we want to forget
It's the roasts and the burns to our pasts and my ex

I never would be here if you didn't help me step

So thanks, again and again, for letting me into your life
It's a hangout conversation that had never crossed my mind
I never thought that I could trust again
Thank you so much just for being my friend
I'm carrying the load of this weight on my back
You picked me up then and there, helped me with that
Threw off the baggage right into the sea
Thank you, for being the best of besties :)

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Nix read requested me your poem, along with a ton of hers. I happened to read a poem of hers just before this, where she's expressing her feelings of being "ga-ga" over you. I appreciate that you two are lollygagging in love streams of adoration right now, but I have to give it to you straight.

First, it's not that interesting to the rest of us hard-working poets to see two young lovers smitten with each other & spouting shallow love gibberish, one poem after another, ad infinitum, just hashing & rehashing the same generalized love sentiments that can be read in a million other poems written by similarly smitten young people.

I'm not down on young people. There are brilliant young people throwing down sophisticated lines about love & life & world issues, all over the cafe. That's what makes our expectations so high, regularly reading young poets with their creative energy pumping a mile a minute, conveying orbital thoughts. I want to read poets that teach me to write better. That's why I'm at the cafe.

One way you & your friend Nix could drastically change the way your poetry sounds would be to use more details about why everything is so la-la lollipop yummy lip-smacking good when you spend time together. You give us vague general references to b***h sessions about your ex -- NOT a convincing diatribe to show us your authentic affection for Nix. This makes it sound like Nix is a sounding board not a best friend.

What about her? What about NIX outside of YOU? That's my problem with the poem of hers that I just read. It feels like she's making herself disappear into childish adoring gibberish so we can all see how great & profound you are (which you aren't, in this poem at least).

All this sounds like mental illness to me, not love or friendship or besties. If you two want to slather your love all over the cafe, and you hope to be convincing & authentic to the rest of us, why not SHOW instead of tell (in shallow platitudes)? Instead of barfing a long list of nothing-specific, take one tender significant experience & turn it into a convincing story in verse. Show us what exactly she said, how she said it, what makes her smile memorable -- in short, make us fall in love with her, too.

Instead, what I see -- you telling us how great she makes YOU feel . . . like this is all about YOU.

I'm sorry to come down so hard on both of you, but I'm known for telling it like I see it, while so many others will blow smoke up your a*s: "such a wonderful write!" OOOH! AAAAH! If my truth is too harsh & you need to block me, I will understand. I can't read twenty more of these kinds of poems anyway, even tho Nix has stuffed my read-request box full of her pining over you! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Caleb is typing...]

Woah, thank you for taking the time to write this, I truly appreciate the honesty! As an aspiring poet and writer, this type of feedback is always helpful. Thank you so much for shooting straight and being real (:

[barleygirl]

Thank you for taking it that way. I expect great things from both of you, since you're able to take my critique this well . . .

[Caleb is typing...]

And I agree, the poetry I wrote here was practically a bunch of cliches

But would I read it again?

It’s given through a series of vague statements, and the overencompassing emotion of adoration is led to be drown out by “I’ve seen this 100 times by now”

If poetry is to leave an impact, it’s gonna be unique, has to be real.

[Caleb is typing...]

From my recent writing, the one you would probably like most would be “Hangman”. It follows a unique storyline, and I tried to incorporate emotion without just saying “I am sad”

It’s always better if the writer feels that way automatically, not just reading how they’re supposed to read it

[Nix is typing...]

Sorry, Margie, I didn't realize I was filling your box with all my poems *Awkward smile* But you gotta know, not all of my poems back to back to back are about Caleb, "spouting shallow love gibberish, one poem after another". A lot of them are about real s**t that I've been through, real s**t that I've experienced, real s**t that I'm going through, (sorry for the salty language) I'm not taking offense to what you said because I highly appreciate your honesty, especially from someone with so much wisdom to depart, but I'm just saying, "My Trauma", "The Voices", "Overthink", and "Society's Rules" and a whole bunch of others aren't "ga-ga" poems, well, maybe "Overthink" is. I like your honesty and I wish some people would dish it out more like the way you do. :) I'll definitely take your advice into consideration, though.

Nix ❤️

[barleygirl]

I have no problem with you speaking your mind however salty it comes out. After all, you also gave me that gift to speak freely . . .

[jacob erin-cilberto]

what a gift friendship is...and there are a few exes i wish i had not liked...
being in like, turns to being in love, turns to pain a bit too often.


j.

[spacelava]

THIS! So beautiful, so sweet! I read Nix's poem prior reading yours and I can safely say that there's just so much love and respect and emotion that binds you two together AND I'M LIVING FOR IT. Soulmates aren't always romantic and you've managed to oh-so perfectly capture just how much love and support there is between the two of you. It put a smile on my face and tears in my eyes! 🥺 Absolutely beautiful!

[Just Kim]

This is so good, such a wonderful write for your friend

[Kari Rakitan]

This is a super sweet poem. I was wondering why your usernames were so similar, and it all makes sense now.

[Caleb is typing...]

Ahaha yep, all the pieces falling into place now 😂

[Nix is typing...]

OH MY GOD, CALEB, I'M CRYING!!!!!!! This is so sweet, god, if only we had met sooner, maybe life wouldn't have sucked as much with you in it. I'm so so so so so so glad we met, and I wouldn't have wanted to spend the time I'm supposed to be studying for a huge test LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE than talking to you. Lol. Your friendship means the world to me, and I am sOoOo honored to be called your best friend!!!!!!!! *Cries noisily* I'm literally so lucky to have you as my best friend and my birthday twin. 🥺🥰 1,000,000/100 Ilysm bt!!! 😭😭🥺🥰