A Doctor of Medicine

A Stage Play by Cas Anthony

A small comedy sketch written with a credited collaborator. Someone has collapsed, and a doctor - preferably medical - is urgently needed.

By Cas Anthony with Josh Park

A sketch with a cast of 3-4 people:

Citizen

Doctor A

Doctor B

Victim (optional)

Doctors A and B play a variety of roles:

DOCTOR A: Doctor of Psychology, Personal Trainer, Doctor of Drama, Doctor of Music

DOCTOR B: Doctor of Sports Science, Doctor of Geology/Zoology, Doctor of Medicine

[VICTIM is lying on the floor. CITIZEN runs up to them]

CITIZEN: Help! Someone! Is anyone here a doctor?

[DOCTOR A runs up]

DOCTOR A: I’m here. What seems to be the problem?

CITIZEN: You have to help him! I think he’s dying.

DOCTOR A: My god! [Kneels down beside VICTIM then turns to CITIZEN] And how does that make you feel?

CITIZEN: What?

DOCTOR A: Oh, I’m a Doctor of Psychology.

CITIZEN: A what?

DOCTOR A: Did you consider this might be something to do with your parents?

CITIZEN: I need a real doctor! Somebody! Anybody!

[DOCTOR B runs in. DOCTOR A leaves]

DOCTOR B: Thank god! I got here just in time.

CITIZEN: Can you save him?

DOCTOR B: Save who? [He sees VICTIM] Oh, I can’t help with that. I’m a Doctor of Sports Science.

[DOCTOR A re-enters as a personal trainer]

DOCTOR A: Just in time! A new fastest lap!

DOCTOR: Thanks Brad.

[Both DOCTORS run off]

CITIZEN: Can’t anyone help?

[DOCTOR A returns in a white lab coat and holding a bag]

CITIZEN: Please tell me you’re a real doctor!

DOCTOR A: Of course! [He kneels down beside VICTIM. He starts unpacking medical-looking equipment from it and examining VICTIM seriously. After a short while he nods at CITIZEN]

CITIZEN: Well?

DOCTOR A: Well it’s very good.

CITIZEN: What?

DOCTOR A [pretentious tone]: Fantastically done. A truly rich, immersive piece of street theatre. Really impressive.

CITIZEN: You’re a doctor-

DOCTOR A: Of Drama!

[DOCTOR A runs off. DOCTOR B runs in and stares forward blankly, mouth closed tightly. He has a bag in his hand]

CITIZEN: Please tell me you’re a real doctor! A proper one! Please, this man desperately needs help!

[DOCTOR B, still staring blankly, opens his mouth and a stream of gravel pours out. DOCTOR A walks back on stage with a musical instrument]

DOCTOR A: Geology.

CITIZEN: Please, anyone! I need a REAL doctor. [Points to DOCTOR A] Not of music! [DOCTOR B starts taking small toy animals out of his bag] Or of zoology! [DOCTOR A and DOCTOR B walk off, looking dejected] I need a proper, real, actual doctor, a doctor-

[DOCTOR B reappears in a lab coat with a stethoscope]

DOCTOR B [To the audience]: Of medicine?

CITIZEN: Finally!

[CITIZEN rushes DOCTOR B over to VICTIM. DOCTOR B kneels down beside the VICTIM and uses his stethoscope on him. He mulls things over for a while, then takes off his stethoscope and looks at CITIZEN]

DOCTOR B: He’s dead.

© 2021 Cas Anthony

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Featured Review

barleygirl

This is a brilliant concept well-developed into a snazzy fast-paced skit. I really enjoyed reading this & thanks to Emmajoy for read-requesting me on it. I love the metaphor for all the ways our lives have become limited/deadly becuz everything is so specialized (((HUGS)))