A Daughter's Love

For every blow that fell 
upon my innocent flesh 
I shrunk away from you 

For every pain 
you caused my heart
I hid away in my secret place 
Went deep inside a world 
of fantasy and dreams 
Where I no longer had to see
the anger
that distorted your broken face 

You were my dad 
you were supposed to love me 
protect me 
but instead you murdered 
my soul 
sent me into a place 
of darkness
with your evil words 
and vicious blows

I was a just little girl 
and you were supposed 
to be my dad 
but instead you were the monster 
of my darkest dreams 
the fear of my heart 
the terror of my bones 
the worst nightmare 
I'd ever had 

You lashed at me 
with your wicked cane
tore my flesh to shreds 
made me cry until I couldn't breathe 
then sent me off to bed 

You hated every part of me 
tried to break my will 
I was just a little girl dad
and you know I loved you still 

You were a broken man 
a victim 
of your own painful life
of the actions of a woman 
who abandoned you 
to the night 
left you as a street kid 
in London 
fighting to survive 

I know why you were hurting dad 
but it still doesn't make it right 

Your solace came out of a bottle 
drunkenness your only friend 
But rage was your demon 
and it destroyed us in the end 

I was just a little girl dad 
who loved you with all I had
though you sent me into a world of pain 
because in your eyes 
I was bad 

You hit my mum 
and made her cry 
broke her spirit 
until she died 

I saw her fade 
before my eyes 
until her existence 
was no more 
than a lie 

I tired you know  
to stand up to you 
to take your rage 
upon myself 
To save her 
from your heartless blows 
to shield her from your belt
from the furniture 
that flew at her 
from across the room 
from the fatal despair 
that in the end 

lead to her doom 

I lured you away 
from her 
And you gave chase 
unto my soul 
Until you found me hiding
in the darkest corner
where only the spiders go 

I screamed in terror 
as you came 
upon me in that place 
I was just a little girl 
and you 
were filled with hate 

Yet I loved you still 
you were my dad 
and I was just a little girl

once again 
being punished for being bad

and for putting you through hell 

Do you remember dad 
how I cared for you 
when you were wandering 
through the streets 
A little girl of eight 
alone 
with a drunken beast 

I tried to save you dad
just as I tried to rescue mum
But at the end of the day 
I was just too bloody young 

You were supposed to parent me 
not the other way around 
protect me and rescue me 
from the fears that had me bound 

But instead you fed me to the fire 
allowed the world to steal my soul 
left me open to evil men 
until I payed the ultimate toll 

So this is where I stand today 
with memories that haunt my mind 
Knowing that no matter 
what you did to me 
through all those years behind 
it was nothing like the pain I felt 
on the day you died 

You see a daughter's love 
is hard to break
it can endure a million tears 
brought on by the dad she loved 
but had to learn to fear 
A daughter's love is strong 

you see
so I wanted to let you know
that I love you dad 
and I forgive you 
for every single blow 

Reviews

[KeeD]

"You lashed at me
with your wicked cane
tore my flesh to shreds
made me cry until I couldn't breathe
then sent me off to bed" Can't believe you made such an emotional stanza rhyme so well. Good job!
"Your solace came out of a bottle
drunkenness your only friend
But rage was your demon
and it destroyed us in the end " once again, wow.. this should be a poster on the wall of every AA group to remind them of the horrors of their past.
This is emotional and so sad and I don't even know what to say, but i'm sorry you had to go through all that. Nothing I say will make it okay and in my head temporary fixes, fix nothing. So i'm going to say this that you've been through hell and back and you've come out an angel where so many people would have given up you've fought, conquered the demons and now you're the light for others to stray away from the dark. Thank you for being you. I love the ending, forgiveness is the first step to moving on. "hugs"

[Carolann Dowsett]

Thank you so much Kee you are a sweet guy with a beautiful heart. Your words mean more to me than you could ever know.

[Jessie]

I was so touched by the pure emotion radiating from this piece!!!
You're so brave to put writing like this out there, to put a piece of your heart here for us to read.. And let me tell you it is beautiful!
The thought that you could love someone so much... Even when they hurt you... If only we were all that strong! Thank you so much for posting... this really opened my eyes (i hope thats not weird haha)
"...that i love you dad
and I forgive you
for every single blow"
Beautiful :')

[Carolann Dowsett]

Thank you so, so much Jessie for understanding.

[Tate Morgan]

This will haunt me for some time .I am sorry to read this. I do not have anything to offer that will ease the pain for this.But a good man is also a good father.
Bearing for her lifes burdens
He sooths the children of their tears
is the rock all others break upon
Leaves fond memory of his years.

[Carolann Dowsett]

Thank you, Oh if only that were the truth. Is this a poem of yours? Send me a request if it is, I'd like to read it.

[Tate Morgan]

yes it is ill send it

[Carolann Dowsett]

Thank you

[Overrated-World]

So strong, very very deep.
Great piece, another one loved.
Brought out my emotions.

[Carolann Dowsett]

Thank you. Means a lot.

[Inda]

Well that forgiveness is that of a saint, forgiveness like that I've never seen and frankly he doesn't deserve it. Still i guess that's the point here. Love is not logical after all. Another note, there's so much sadness here and yet some sense of numbness which i think validates this piece. Great job.

[Carolann Dowsett]

Thank you so much.

[Emerald Seas]

There is so much pain and anguish. I feel for this child - her protector failed to rise up over his own demons to be a father. Forgiveness is important - very important for the abused to heal and try to move on. This is full of so much. I think it is so very deep, a normal review would not give the emotions flowing from and within the poem justice.

[Carolann Dowsett]

Thank you so much.

[Aly]

A very sad but beautiful poem. Thank you for sending it. I love poems that I can relate to.

Aly

[Carolann Dowsett]

Thank you Aly.

[Coyote Poetry]

The old world of booze and hard life led people to bad places. My dad was the same way. A violence man with a lot of anger. Later in my life I learn to understand him. I like the story and the desire to forgive. Thank you for the excellent poem.
Coyote

[Carolann Dowsett]

Thank you.

[Jack...]

So very sad, I really wish I new what to say, this poem tore at my heart and pulled tears of sorrow from my eyes, so very sad.

I would like to call this poem breathtaking as I found it harder to breathe the more I read.

[Carolann Dowsett]

Thank you so much.

[Frieda P]

Wow, breathless and speechless at the same time. You know I can relate to this, and I've often wondered how I will feel with his demise. I do not come from a place of forgiveness as you do, maybe that will be my downfall, but some things just can't be forgiven and I love with hatred in my heart. This was a tough read, but somethings need to be said and you did it very well. It touched a place deep inside of me.

'and I forgive you
for every single blow'

Chilling. This read will linger. I'm glad you found it in your heart to share this, thanks Carolann, I know it couldn't have been easy.

[Carolann Dowsett]

Thank you so much Frieda, yes I know how you would understand and believe me forgiveness was not an easy road to come to, but I've developed a compassion in my heart for what he went through and though it doesn't make what he did to me and my mum and siblings ok it has changed my heart somewhat towards him. He has been dead a long time now, just another lost soul full of rage who was brought into a world without love. Sometimes I wish I could have been his mum then I could have taught him how to love and he wouldn't have suffered as he did and we, in turn, would not have endured such a horrific childhood.

[Frieda P]

Ah, no excuse for cruelty though, I'm glad you were able to find it in your heart to forgive, I'm sure it has helped you to heal and get past those horrendous memory.

[Carolann Dowsett]

Yes so true there is never an excuse for cruelty and yes it has helped me to heal, though the scars are still there.

[Frieda P]

On the survivor site that I'm on, that's what people tell me all the time, forgiveness is the key to healing but I'm not sure how you get there if it's not in your heart, you just don't say 'I forgive you' and it happens.

[Carolann Dowsett]

Yes that is exactly right it is a process that happens over time as you heal. Does it help being on a survivor site? I've often thought about joining one but never really thought it would help that much.

[Frieda P]

It depends, when I first joined I got a lot out of it, knowing I wasn't the only one dealing with that issue, you don't feel so alone in your despair, but you can get bogged down if you let it. There are so many horrendous stories out there, it's overwhelming at times. Met a bunch of people I keep in touch with, so that's always nice.

[Carolann Dowsett]

Well that's a good thing but yeah I can understand how it could bog you down. I think writing about it helps a lot its very healing. I just wrote that poem today it was hard but it was cleansing too. Though I have also written a book about my life as well and that was very healing though I haven't read it for years. Unfortunately the abuse continued for me long after I got away from my dad so I have a lot of stories to tell. If it wasn't for the writing I don't know what I would do.

[Frieda P]

I hear you, it's very cathartic for me as well. Without purging all this crap, I'd for sure be in an asylum. :-)

[Carolann Dowsett]

True :)

[icelandicblue]

This is such a powerful poem. I was especially struck by these words:
You were my dad
you were supposed to love me
protect me
but instead you murdered
my soul
sent me into a place
of darkness
with your evil words
and vicious blows

The damage wrought is deep and eternal and yet there is forgiveness. Forgiveness sets your soul free. I am honestly in awe of your words.

[Carolann Dowsett]

Thank you so much.