Delusions of sanity : and other grandeur

After a delve into a underground world i analyse my conclusions on the world before and after. Much has changed on how I see things as well as myself.

Just maybe a man creates a alter reality with his paintbrush of choice due to the originals overwhelmingly plastic world. Maybe it's a defense mechanism that is just more dominant in some. A side effect of this trait is you see the world differently, and more personally then most. Meaning the things like meaness and cruelty affects more harshly. Maybe the theory there are a group of people with a deeper link to the earth is correct as they discover the life and world that was created, without there consent, is so contrary to the basic human instincts, of love,respect and kindness. Mean is a fad that never went out of style. It's been done over and over, with nothing looking as if sales will decrease. In my own experience with this I found the only deep and emotional conversation with ones like me in there own creation then anyone else. Conversations over life,death and internally examining why we are the way we are. The way my brain is programmed I find those much more precious then having small talk about the weather due to no other connection. You see people think im mentally troubled, and not apart of the formula. I have fought so long to be in their picture. At times role playing extremely well and almost pulling it off. Alas, I would always run away. Unannounced, I would just go, and I hated this about myself. After years of analyzing this I started looking at it differently. Why? Maybe the answer has been although good intentions want to be around our loved ones, but on the other hand the obsurdness of society forces us to run, before it kills the thing that we have hated and loved about ourselves. We live in a strange relationship with this so called syndrome. We can all at once feel tired but wide awake, loved and despised, wanting to stay but desperately wanting to leave. Love hate is what it is. As I get older its brought peace to understand this isn't something that can be cured by a 12 step program or a new mainstream pill. This is me and it's who I am. I have treated people and the world with kindness so shouldn't that be ok ? I believe so. The life we're given is short. Even shorter are the years you have to be aware your here. When the day comes if we're allowed old age it's only your memories, your regrets your love or your pain. Please when you read this don't think I have a disdain for society, quite the contrary. My only hope is it accepts there path as well so they wouldn't feel the need to walk mine, although with good intentions may be . To me my life is filled with not materials but the things without a price tag due to them being priceless. Things like love, spirituality, regret and investigations into not only my own mind and soul but the ones I've been blessed allowing me to see there's as well. The latter I've never taken for granted and hold safely in my heart. I've learned to cut myself more slack. Learned there is no formula for grief or something your fighting with mentally. How long is how long. Those have been defined by the world a sign of weakness to free yourself from them quickly like a magician performing a trick. The opposite is the truth for me, I wear my feelings like a badge of honor. It means I tried, I loved, I was there and I existed. The true measure of character and a life well lived is not the size and tears at his funeral , but the times you saw him out of nowhere fade off and show a slight smile. Hes not losing it but mearly thinking of a moment triggered by a smell or sound or god only knows what. He's there if for a sliver of time, allow that to happen. It's not a instability, it's a memory of something he loved. We're also afraid of pain in this world. It's such still a uncharted mystery, it's become taboo . Only in pain we know joy. Pain is a lesson given by life and should be investigated and appreciated. The greatest minds all have one common denominator, they were fighting a never ending battle with the most fierce foe, themselves. They were shunned and told they didnt fit. Einstein,Tesla, hawking and the others once they accepted and cried out to thine own self be true, accomplished unimaginable heights. In there passing they we're recognized as brilliant and there is the lesson we must learn. People will always be who they are. The ones that are still there is ones to cherish. Be as you are as well. On the other side of that sword is do not shun singularity. Great lessons and secrets of life can be solved in this time.


Chapter 2

There was a beautiful sunrise this morning. I thought of sharing it but thought better. In this time and are the small slivers of beauty the world still shows some things are meant to be tucked away selfishly. What makes a person crazy? A better question I've come to realize is what makes a seemingly sane person crazy? So be it. You can't justify the way your mind ticks due to its your mind. It's exhausting, timely and try as you must most will still not understand. As I stated, love the pain.

Author's Note

This is my own raw look at why I felt the way I did and do. I hope you enjoy really I do but this was done to help me with myself. Thank you for reading and please all feedback welcome.