Do Me a Solid, Man

A Screenplay by Chainsaw Enema

INT. PICK-UP TRUCK – DAY

MICHAEL hops in the passenger seat while DAVID resides in the driver's, sweating profusely, wearing a hat crafted of foil.

MICHAEL

'Sup.

DAVID

(teeth gritting)

Uh huh.

DAVID slams down on the gas pedal and speeds towards traffic. MICHAEL switches on the radio to a rock channel and turns the volume on low, slowly bobbing his head back and forth.

MICHAEL

So, what'd you want to see me for?

DAVID

Well, uh, you know I had surgery yesterday, right? A … prostate biopsy?

MICHAEL

Oh yeah! It totally slipped my mind, man. Sorry. How'd it go? Did they get that tumor thingy or whatever the hell you have in there out?

DAVID

Yes.

MICHAEL

Cool, cool. What'd they do?

DAVID

They had to stick a tube – the biggest tube I've ever seen, mind you – in my rectum. After that I don't really know what happened. I passed out.

MICHAEL

You passed out? So what, they just went on without you?

DAVID

Yeah … something like that.

MICHAEL

Hmm. Does it hurt?

DAVID

Oh yeah. It was still bleeding this morning. They gave me one of those donuts to sit on, but it really doesn't help.

MICHAEL

That's why it looks like you have to s**t, huh?

DAVID

Mmm hmmm.

MICHAEL

What are you doing out of bed anyways? I would think the doctor would've told you to restrain from any heavy sitting or something for a couple days, right?

DAVID
Yeah, that he did. Except for, of course, emergencies.

MICHAEL

And is this an emergency, David?

DAVID

Indeed it is.

MICHAEL

Well what is it then?

DAVID

Okay, now … don't freak out or anything, for what I'm about to say may sound … a little crazy. Just bear with me, all right?

MICHAEL

All right. …

DAVID

Okay, remember a couple months back when I first started spotting those black helicopters flying above my apartment complex?

MICHAEL

Oh Jesus Christ not them again.

DAVID

Just bear with me, man!

MICHAEL

All right! Go on.

DAVID

Well, they've been watching me, Michael. And they know I know.

MICHAEL

Know what?

DAVID

Everything.

MICHAEL

...Oh.

DAVID

And of course, this power that I have, the ability to know everything, would be quite the potent weapon. This they also know.

MICHAEL

Let me guess, the government wants to use your mind to predict the enemy's battle plans, right?

DAVID

Yes, exactly! How'd you know?

MICHAEL

Wild guess.

DAVID

Wow, good guess. … Well, anyway, as you probably know, that's why I've been wearing this foil on my head lately. This way they can't read my thoughts and program me for evil.

MICHAEL

I've been meaning to ask you about that.

DAVID

Yeah, well, they're monsters, Michael. So, back to what I was saying! They want me to do their evil bidding, perhaps even kill young children.

MICHAEL

And you know this, how?

DAVID
Because I know everything. Haven't you been listening?

MICHAEL

Oh yeah, sorry, right. Please continue.

DAVID

So they want me for their own devious deeds, right? Well, what better way to get me to play along other than to plant an obedience chip inside me? And when would be the perfect time to do this to me? Why, with my pants down, of course!

MICHAEL

I'm not sure I like where this is going. …

DAVID

Don't you understand, Mikey? While I was unconscious during surgery they inserted a satellite mind-reading obedience chip inside my rectum!

MICHAEL

You're insane, you know that, right?

DAVID
While that may be, I'm still screwed up the a*s with this thing. It can read my thoughts, even with my foil hat on! And it forces me to do … things I don't want to.

MICHAEL

Like what?

DAVID

Uh … you don't want to know.

MICHAEL

Oh … okay. Well if this is all true, then how come you're able to tell me all of this without the chip or whatever stopping you?

DAVID

I've come up with a temporally solution. I'm squeezing my cheeks close!

MICHAEL

What? That's incredibly stupid. Doesn't that hurt?

DAVID
Extremely.

MICHAEL