Mayberry Street

A short story I feel reflects the violence in today's society

Mayberry Street

Chaz Hemsworth

           

The sun was just setting on a calm summer day over the quiet, quaint town of Hambersame, Georgia.  Temperatures had reached 100 plus degrees, so most people stayed inside until he evening.  At that moment, the little kids ran outside and adults sat in the warm evening sun,  drinking wine and having crackers.  June was slowly turning into July; the sky was slowly turning from blue to a striking orange and black.  The youngest kids were already in bed sound asleep.  The day had gone just like every other summer day.

Mayberry Street was, of all the streets in Hambersame, the quaintest.  The street smelled like apple pie from May to September.  As the June sun finally surrendered to the moon and the last of the blood in the sky faded one child was not heading inside.  Little Timothy Jacobson was not going inside right now due to the fact he had just lost a toy football and was still looking for it.  He walked up and down Mayberry Street looking for it, but decided a neighbor had taken it in and went back to his house.  He made it to the driveway, when an older kid approached him.  The person was a teenager, and covered his face with a hood.  "You want your ball back?" he asked Timothy.  "Please mister" came the sweet innocent voice of a child who does not expect anything.  The teenager did give him his ball back as promised.  Timothy ran towards his home, hoping to be in time for ice cream. 

            BANG! In the Jacobson kitchen, dishes were broken by the solitary noise.  The mom ran outside and saw the teenager running away.  "GET BACK HERE!" she screamed, but he was too far.  He got away from the screams.  She  saw her son lying on the driveway, clutching a football.  He could barely talk, but he still murmured, "Why?".  His mom screamed with the force of a thousand songbirds.  It was a loud, wailing, and sorrowful cry.  Every one ran outside to see what happened to Timothy and Mrs. Jacobson.  It was a nightmare.  Timothy was still; his mother was kneeling over him, sobbing.  No one had to say anything.  They knew.

It took the police just five minutes to get there.  It took the local news station ten.  Mrs.  Johnson was swarmed and nearly crushed by the wave of people.  The police though, were the first to grab her.  She yelled, "IT WASN'T ME!" and cried out more pained sobs of anger and sadness, but they locked her up in the car and drove her away.            

Reviews

[Cody]

OH MY GOD
I DID NOT SEE THAT ENDING COMING
Okay wow. You have a really great writing style. I liked how you depicted how the lane was very idyllic and beautiful... but then destroyed by this terrible teenager.
I'm left the question what his motive was, and I feel like that could have been explained in the story... though it's okay if that bit of info is not mentioned.
The ending was a bit tied up though, which I didn't like. Like, you just summarized what happened next. I don't think the police would have arrested the mother on the spot, either though. Wouldn't the police have finger printed? Wouldn't the mother have had the gun? What about witnesses? I was left thinking, "as if..." It is your story though. I feel like you could have put much more detail into the ending (though more and more detail throughout this piece would be EXCELLENT.)

Grammatically speaking: I'd spruce up the story a little more, because I noticed minor grammatical errors and cliches that you are going to want to watch out for.

You did a great job and the style throughout this piece was great. Just fix it up, and think in-depth with your stories. But if you were going for just pure simplicity... leave it as is. The mother being arrested in the fashion that she was though... that MUST be changed.

Great read!

[Chaz Hemsworth]

Thanks for reading! I wrote this story for applying to my school lit mag. So I really had to leave the end that way. I might pick this up again someday. Irony is a powerful tool. Nothing delivers quite the same blow as a sucker punch straight to the expectations.

[Average person]

well that escalated quickly…. but nice story :)

[Amanda Best]

Agreed that there are questions left unanswered, though that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I really like the way this is written. Great work. It definitely brought me in quickly.

[Katherine R.]

This story is so SAD, OMIGOSH!

Poor Mrs. Johnson and Timothy...

Really well written with excellent imagery when describing the setting. Story-wise, it Had a realistic tone with a slightly unfinished tale. I loved it, anyway!

[verity94]

I like the way you described the setting, very well done ^_^