The In-Laws

Title is self-explanatory. True too.

 

The In-Laws

Written by T. L. O’Neal

 

      My wife was from the southeast part of Ohio, so I guess you could say so was the rest of her family. Now that place is as backwards as any place I’ve ever seen. Why people think that only rednecks live in the south has certainly never been up that way.

 

     Her brother is one of the finest fellers you would ever want to meet and he’s a gentle soul too, plus he’s slow to anger and nothing ever seems to get him down either. I always did get along good with him pretty well, but he was… overly redneck if you know what I mean. Now they aren’t poor, him and his wife make about 80 grand a year between the two of them. So let me give you a few examples and you decide for yourself if you think they’re really rednecks or not.

 

     When I first met my future wife’s brother and his wife, they used to keep her kids while she was at work and I went over with her to pick them up once. To say the house was dirty was an understatement. Anyways, there was this banana lying in the floor as you walked in. Still in the skin and fresh, you could tell it had been dropped there in the last day or two. You had to step over this thing or at least walk around it to get into the living room. So I would ask my future wife from time to time to see if the banana was still there when she went to get the kids… and amazingly it was.

 

    After that I would go with her about once a week just to see it. I had to go take a gander at this now wasting away piece of produce; it was almost a like a compulsion to me. I was amazed to see this thing; it was still in the same spot… just lying there as pretty as you please. As time went on I watched that banana waste away to nothing. And it was never stepped on either; it just kept wasting away till it was a black mushy spot in the carpet. I just couldn’t take my eyes off of it; that spot was amazing to look at. It was almost hypnotizing in a way, because you just couldn’t keep yourself from staring at it. How it survived that long without someone picking it up, or stepping on it, or kicking it across the room is beyond me. That banana defied all the odds and won. As time went on, I kept going back to see this miracle of nature till it was nothing but a spot of color on the carpet. Damn I miss that banana; it sure was a lot of fun.

 

     Speaking of produce, there was this other time that he got this pool table and put it right in the middle of the living room floor. This in itself wasn’t amazing at all, but somewhere down the line someone put this big ole’ cantaloupe on top of one of the corner pockets. I guess they brought it in from the store or someone gave it to them, but whatever it was, that was about as far as it got. When I heard about it I had to start going over there to check it out too; I was tickled because I had another project to watch. I can’t help it really; I was always the curious sort as you probably guessed by now. You know the old saying, “Curiosity killed the cat.” I always came back with, “But satisfaction brought him back.” As time went on that large, plump, firm cantaloupe slowly shriveled and shrunk. Week after week I went in great anticipation to witness the progress of this amazing melon. Slowly it shrank and liquefied till it fell right down into that corner pocket. And there was nothing left of it but a small dried spot in the bottom of the pocket after that. I never did play pool on that table but it would be a safe bet that it would be hard to get a ball to pass very smoothly down that pocket.

 

     To say that his wife wasn’t much on cleaning wouldn’t be an exaggeration at all; hell she never did any. This is made even more of a mystery being that she worked in the food service industry. That doesn’t really boost anyone’s appetite I’m sure. I know when her family had a get together for a holiday or such, I never went and I sure as hell wouldn’t eat anything from there either. I always told the kids when they went not to eat anything unless it was in a sealed container.

 

   Anyways, like I was saying, her husband was always very patient with her and their kids when it came to the house being clean or lack thereof. The kids would eat on the floor in front of the TV, if the plate spilled it just stayed there unless a dog or some other critter decided to come along and eat it. Every now and then in a blue moon he would to decide to clean the mess himself, that was usually after he had enough of it all. He would get a garden rake; I’m not kidding here, and rake the carpet and then rake all the trash into a big pile. That’s how bad it was, and then shovel it up. After that he’d take the garden hose and wash the carpet with it… while it was still in the house. Now this might of helped in the looks of it a bit, but it just made the smell of the carpet that much worse.  And in the wintertime, with the heat on… you don’t even want me to go there.

 

    He was also into hunting and fishing a lot; it was his passion to say the least. To tell you the truth I think he did so much of it just so he wouldn’t have to go home to that damn nasty house. He would bring his kills home with him and then they would clean the squirrels over the dining room table, and butcher the deer in the living room. Which probably didn’t help with the smell of that carpet none either.

 

     They were going to get cable TV one time, so the cable guy came out to put it in but he refused to crawl around on that carpet. They had at the time 8-9 puppies running loose and shitting everywhere; this probably didn’t hurt him in making his decision on not crawling on that floor. They did feel insulted because the man refused to do the job but I don’t blame him that much, I surely wouldn’t have done it either. I don’t remember if he got fired or quit his job over it but the manager had to come out himself to do it.  He cussed the whole time under his breath and it’s a safe bet that he had to throw those pants away once he was done with the job.

 

    My wife’s kids when they were younger just loved going over there, I never could understand that at all. I suspect it was because they could do as they pleased and make a mess without getting into any trouble. I was pretty strict when it came to trying to keep their rooms clean and all, and they weren’t allowed to eat or drink anything except in the kitchen. When they would come home from over there, we would make them take their clothes off at the door. One by one and jump in the shower. I’ve seen times when the wife would hose them down before they even set foot in the house. As for the clothes, no amount of Spray-N-Wash would take those stains out of their pants. These stains were from what they got off that carpet too. Luckily as they got older they didn’t want to go over there that much anymore.

 

     There was one time he was going to redo the master bathroom floor and he asked if I would like to help. I used to do remodeling and knew a thing or too about such. But I declined saying I was too busy but did tell him what he needed to do to make a good job of it. I didn’t want to touch that carpet, for one thing it was nasty and rotten, and secondly it had mushrooms growing out of it. What kind they were I couldn’t tell you. I’m not an expert on mushrooms by any means, especially ones that grow in bathroom carpet. Well, he didn’t listen to a thing I said on remodeling the floor. Instead of putting down green board he mixed up concrete; wet concrete mind you, and poured it onto the plywood floor and spread it out. He then put down wood tile on top of it. Why would anybody in their right mind want to do that in a bathroom is beyond me. Plus he didn’t pull up the toilet or cut any of the tile, just fit the squares as best as he could. It was a less than a stellar job for sure.

 

    One summer they bought a pool at Wal-Mart and put it in the front yard and used the back of the truck as a diving board into the pool. Of course in a setup like this it didn’t take long before someone broke their arm but it didn’t slow none of them down in this redneck slice of heaven in the trailer park. And it wasn’t any time with all the neighborhood kids in it too that the water was as nasty as a septic tank. That didn’t seem to slow them down in the enjoyment of the makeshift facilities either. There were all types in that pool all at once, kids and adults alike, it was about as full as it could possible be. It looked like a freak show at Sea World.

 

   They were big fans of wrestling too. They would drag all the mattresses off the beds and spread them out on the living room floor… after it was raked of course. And they would have a regular “Smack Down” event with family and neighbors, body slams and the whole bit. Which wrestling “Stars” they emulated I couldn’t say; I never did go to any of these big events either as a participant or as a spectator. But as in most unsanctioned events of this nature, someone got hurt. Another broke arm is what happened and that slowed them down a bit on the wrestling for a while.

 

     They also had a great big trampoline in the front yard. With that and the pool and wrestling inside the house and all the critters; it was just a redneck paradise there in that trailer park. All the neighborhood kids would flock there even when they were gone. He would get a little upset about all these kids he didn’t know going in and out and getting on this and that. Hell, these kids would go in their house with nobody at home too. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t put up with that s**t. I just don’t know why he didn’t put all that mess in the backyard where it was fenced in. I guess it’s not that much of a status symbol if it can’t be seen.

 

     My wife was over there one morning; they wanted her to put their kids on the school bus for them since they both went to work real early. So while she was there she saw the strangest thing she told me. It was an albino cockroach of all things and it was just riding around on one of the ceiling fan blades. It was just going around and around, having a big old time. Now this fascinated her to no end being that she never seen one before, it had to be a one in a million oddity. When she saw her brother and mentioned it to him, he said that it wasn’t nothing, there was at least 5-6 of those albino roaches around.

 

   My wife’s son went over there for the weekend one time and they went swimming or something or other, and he brought his wet clothes back home in a plastic bag. He left them inside the back door for they could be washed and he started to see the bag moving around, this freaked him out a bit. So he ran to his mother about it and when she opened it to see what it was, about 150 roaches came running out. This really bothered her and me… I was really pissed off. Seems that they got in that bag while he was over at his uncle’s house. So of course we called an exterminator right then, we were going to take care of this situation and nip it in the bud.

 

   So my wife got the number of a exterminator and he came over and took care of the problem. When he found out who she was and related to, he told us about the time he tried to rid that house of their roaches. At the time, her brother was trying to raise cockatiels or some type of bird like that, and he made this large wooden bird cage as long as a large couch and as high as your head. Of course it was in the living room and on the carpet too. Anyway, he said he lifted that cage up a bit and put a line of poisoned food down, and there was a miniature stampede of cockroaches that came and was eating it like pigs to a trough. Right before his eyes too, thousands of them. He said it was by far the worse infestation he had ever seen in his life and it would take six months at least of putting out poison to get rid of them all. But they didn’t want to put the money into it and just decided to keep the roaches. 

 

  You think with all that money that they would live to a higher standard of living. But the fact of the matter is that they live hand to mouth most of the time because they blow most of it at Wal-Mart and on eating take-out about every night. Buying things at Rent-a-Center doesn’t help either. They’re always coming to repo the truck and furniture too.

 

     Well, that’s just a few snippets of some things that came to mind where some of my in-laws were concerned. I’m sure there’s a lot more things to say about them all when I have a little more time. It’s just that they’re so much different from what I grew up with and what I’ve known. All this is true… I kid you not. It’s hard for me to believe too, it just beats all I ever seen. It’s by no means any reflection on how I feel about them or what type of people they are in their hearts. I just found it all a bit interesting and odd at the same time; plus it makes for an interesting story to boot.

   

     

Note: I want to thank my ex-wife for the idea and helping to supply some of the information in this story.

 

Reviews

[Debra Stevens Edwards (..]

Well you have done it again this is another story full of funny scenarios and as always it is told in that matter of fact way that is yours southern gentleman way that fills all your stories. I can count on you
to start my day off with a smile. Thanks, Great read.
Debby

[TL Boehm]

Shaking my head at this one! Oh it made me laugh in so many places! The dried fruit varieties, the carpet raking, concrete on the floor...oh yes! I am looking around my casa de horror and saying 'I am so much more betterer than this.' No fruit, no poop...no albino roaches on the cieling fan - yup'
Its true. there are rednecks everywhere. We have them right down the street from us. I have family in Michigan like this. And you describe it wonderfully. peace.

[1809 Black Plague Decem..]

ummm where did the albino roach come from? great story!


you always make me giggle,
mishel

[Sabrina]

nice story....we've had rent a center come repo something from our house to. it was so embarrasing...lol

[Joyce Bocek]

Great story, Terry. Never know where inspiration is going to come from!

[Michael Carr]

loved it. bannana and all. those poor fruits.
who broke the arms? lol.
the story is complely disfunctional but like debra says you tell it in a sort of gentlemanly way, which just makes the piece more charming.
again, well done T.

my grampa used to put his hands in the shape of a gun and shoot out machine gun farts, fifteen in a row, used to chase his kids arund the garden with a plastic snake ("nake" as he called it) when he was drunk. and of course any guy with hair reaching past the neck was a quote "damn hippee". never met my granfather, would've been a heck of a character.

[Otto L.n. Pipgras]

This doesnt stop at Ohio...I've seen yards like this and met people like this as far north as the U.P. of Michigan. Some states just don't flaunt it as well as we do down here. =o)
as usual, the humor is great, and the way the story is told in that southern manner is excellent.
Was a good read to get me going for the day! =oD thanks for sharing T

[Wulfstan Crumble]

They are definately red necks. Without a shadow of a doubt. Another fantastic read. No full Wulfstan this time. I am totally lacking the energy but the whole set up just sounds awful. Im sure the cable guy still has nightmares about it. Actually, i bet both of them do...and the mushrooms...thats sick. One Q, wheres the ghosts?

[kevin walls]

dropped by to read a little, i ended up reading alot and was ENTHRALLED again, htis is a great poem

[Michael Anyanwu]

After that I would go about once a week just to see it. I had to go take a gander at this now wasting away piece of produce; it was almost a compulsion to me. I was amazed to see this thing; it was in the same spot� just lying there. As time went on I watched this banana waste away to nothing. It was never stepped on; just kept wasting away till it was a black mushy spot in the carpet. I just couldn�t take my eyes off of it; that spot was amazing to look at. How it survived that long without someone picking it up or stepping on it or kicking it across the room is beyond me. That banana defied all the odds and won. I kept going back to see this miracle of nature till it was nothing but a spot of color on the carpet. Damn I miss that banana; it was a lot of fun.

^^^^Terry, that single paragraph was just one of the many that totally cracked me up. I dont think I'll be able to resist laughing out loud whenever I see a bananna again! This was a freaking classic of a tale as only T.L. O'neal could bring it.