She wouldn't die...

She wouldn't die...

A Story by Christopher Paul

It was 9:24 in the morning. The sun was up, the sky was clear and bright.  On an open empty road, on a cycle a man rode wearing a grey coat with a bag in the carrier. He was going at a fast pace. He stopped peddling for a while and let the downward nature of the road take him. He suddenly applied the brakes as he saw a tree stump on the side of the road, the cycle came to a screeching stop. He looked to the left of the stump and saw a dirt path leading through the forest. Turning his cycle in that direction he began to ride into the forest. The path was rough and uneven, the cycle was making quite a noise and the ride was painful. A while later he came out on another road. He stopped for a while looking up and down then continued up road.

 

After a few minutes he saw a red brick wall on the side of the road, a few feet away, a large metal gate. He stopped his cycle, looking at the top of the old, rust covered gate, the metal rods read “EE, Easton Estate” in a cursive font. He got off his cycle and trailed it to the wall and made it rest. The gate had a thick chain with a large lock on it. He tried to rattle the gate which refused any movement. The man took his coat off and placed it on the cycle. He was wearing a black shirt and blue jeans, rolling up his sleeves then took the leather bag from the cycle carrier and placed the strap over his shoulder. He caught on to the gate with one hand as he put his foot on the horizontal bar of the grills, he began to climb. The rust covered bars with the paint peeling off made it hard for him to get a good grip. After a little while he was over the top of the gate from where he jumped to the ground.  Landing on his feet, he wiped his hands together trying to get the dark red-brownish rust off while looking ahead.

 

There were low hanging branches obstructing the view. Making his way on the grass covered path he finally came to the manor. It was huge, old and covered in dust and cobwebs. The windows were shut, the porch covered in leaves and a big hole in the window of the attic. There were mushrooms and little plants growing on the side of the building. He pulled his leather bag hanging near his waist to his stomach and began to look inside it. He pulled out a newspaper cut out; there was an article on the paper and along its side a picture of a house. The same one the man was standing in front of, he compared the image to the real thing. Placing the newspaper cut out back in his bag he took out a camera. He checked if the film was in then took a picture of the front of the manor.

 

He walked up onto the wooden porch, the wood made a sound as his foot fell on it. The porch was covered in leaves with creepers growing on the sides. The windows were closed; he walked up to the front door. There was a dirty yellow tape hanging from one side. Running his hand along it he turned it over, it read ‘Police’. He stepped back and took a picture of the door and the porch. Then he placed the camera back into the bag.

 

He walked to the window and tried to open them. They were shut tight and refused to budge. He then walked back to the door. Placing his hand on the knob he turned it. It was jammed and most probably locked. Turning to the opposite side of the door while running his hand along the wood he noticed that the upper hinge of the door was broken and applying pressure showed a gap. He pressed the door on the middle hinge and then the lower one. They were holding on but the wood was very old. Standing back he kicked the door where the middle hinge was. It broke free immediately and also loosened the lower one. Getting closed to the door he gave it another hard kick. The last hinge broke loose cracking open the termite infested wood and the door fell to the floor. A loud noise and a cloud of dust rose up. Waving his hand in front of his face, trying to move the dust away he tried to look into the darkness of the interior.

 

It was pitch black with only a few feet visible because of the sunlight coming from the entrance. Placing his hand into his bag he pulled out a small torch which was quite bright. Shining the light into the darkness he saw the room was empty. Walking in he shone the light on the windows. They had large square plywood pieces nailed into them. Moving forward he examined the dirty walls, the cobweb covered ceiling and got a strong smell of a really foul odor. The room was completely empty then looking down he noticed near the fallen door, the floor board was cracked and black. Getting on his knee he examined it, the crack looked like something heavy and sharp hit it and the black was as if a fire had been lit. He shone his light into the adjacent rooms they were being illuminated by a little light coming in from a few cracks in the window and plywood, they were empty too. He saw a staircase at the end of the room he was in. Making his way across the noisy wooden floor he reached it. Holding the railing that was covered with dust he began to go up. Half way up the stairs he stopped. Shining his torch into the sheer darkness of the upper floor he changed his mind. His heart was beating quite fast and he was sweeting a lot. He also felt a sense of nervousness. He was never afraid of the dark and places like this gave him a thrill but right now for some reason he felt as if he was not alone.

 

He turned around and as he put his foot on the lower step, “THUMP, THUMP, THUMP”. He heard the noise as if someone or something moved really fast. He froze still. His senses alert, his heart beating faster than it already was. His torch light on the wall showing the vibration his nervous hand was making. He was trying to force his mind, which now all of a sudden in immense fear, to believe it was some animal but the noise was too loud for an animal to make. Breathing really fast he looked from where he stood on the stairs, at the entrance. Making his mind believe that it wasn’t that far and that he could escape, he slowly and calmly placed he foot on the lower step. Suddenly “THUMP, THUMP, THUMP” again the noise came but this time it was more frightening as it was closer.  He jumped up towards the wall and tried not to make any movement. So much so he turned off his torch. This was because he got a glimpse of something from the corner of his eye. As he had lowered his foot when the noise came the second time he saw a shadowy figure move across the floor opposite the fallen door. He couldn’t understand what the figure was. The light coming in from the entrance was only enough to light an outline of the figure. Standing completely still with the sound of his own beating heart in his head he tried to think of any animal he could that could fill in that outline. None was coming to mind.

 

With his back to the wall he dug his nails into the wood, clinging on for dear life. His heart beating like the engine of a formula 1 race car at top speed. Sweating, numb, mind completely blank and his body shivering with fear. Staring straight at the entrance, he decided to make a dash for it. But as he let go of the wall and turned to run, he tripped and he fell down the stairs. Hitting his head on the last step with his legs in the air he quickly gathered himself. Sitting straight he widened his eyes, his ears alert. Looking in every direction, listening to every sound. While he kept still as possible his right hand moved along the ground looking for the torch he dropped. His right side turned up empty. His left hand began to move around the last stair step still searching. He felt it, small and hard. He turned his head in a moment of relief towards his left palm. Lifting it he found it was not the torch but a piece of wood.

 

Feeling disappointed he turned his head back straight only to stare into the darkness of the eye sockets on a decomposed, deformed face only a few inches away from his. Long messed up hair hung on the side while pieces of decomposing flesh hung from the front. The lower jaw fell loose on the man’s lap. As that happened in a heartbeat the man let out a scream filled with terror that echoed through the house. He pushed himself up then ran upstairs in to the darkness. Half way up the stair case he jumped off to the floor and went straight to the entrance. Just a few feet away from the fallen door he felt a tug on his foot. The next thing he saw was his vision headed straight to the floor. He fell down with the side of his head landing on the sharp edge of the door. He vision started to blur and eyes started to close but the last thing he saw were two hands reaching out of the darkness near him.

 

His eyes opened to a blurred vision. After a few blinks and rubbing them his eyes adjusted to the darkness around him. There was an awful disgusting odor in the room. Through the cracks in the wall orange light crept into the room making it just a bit easier to see. But being able to see was making him nervous. He turned his head around franticly and began to panic. He was not in the room he had fallen unconscious in. Turning his head around he began to move backwards to the wall. Suddenly “CRACK” something broke under the weight of his palm. He turned to see what it was. In the darkness all he could make out and feel was cloth. Suddenly he noticed something that brought his mind to ease. His torch, just there right beside him. Grabbing it quickly he turned it on. Shining it round the dark room he found it to be empty and that the door was open. Trying to hold his breath as he couldn’t stand the smell he got up and was about to rush to the door when “CRACK”. This time his foot fell on something breaking it. Curious as to know what it was he shone the light to the floor expecting a piece of branch or wood.

 

As the light illuminated the floor he saw red, moving his torch it turned out to be a red pant with a black hole near the knee. A little lower were black shoes, bigger than normal. Moving the pant with his foot he suddenly gasped and dropped his torch. With his hand over his mouth he began to tremble. The torch lying on the floor was still on shining in the direction of the pant revealing the hip bones of a skeleton inside them. The man stared at it in horror as he began to realize that he was looking at the lower half of a human body. He could make out the leg bones under the pant. The bones showing were dirty and had no flesh on them. With his eyes fixed on them in horror he began to lower himself to reach his torch. As his fingers touched the plastic, out of the darkness a hand grabbed his wrist. He let out a yell as he looked at the same decomposed face he saw earlier.

 

He bolted for the door, he didn’t even reach for the knob he just rushed at it shoulder first, pushing it wide open with quite a force. Out of the room he saw he was in a dark hallway hastily looking to his left he found a small ladder heading towards what looked like the attic. The attic door was open and there was a lot of orange light coming in, remembering the attic window was broken he darted up the ladder.

 

With his head in the attic room he saw his escape, the attic’s round window which was broken. The evening breeze blowing through the hole in it blew against his face. Placing his palms on the attic floor he pushed his body up from the ladder and leaned forward when suddenly the attic door fell over his back with a loud crash. The man’s entire body went into a state of sheer shock. His eyes and mouth wide open, his hands shaking and his head filled with white noise. The man lowered his head to look down; blood began to pour out of his mouth as he saw the attic door was closed with a large wooden cupboard over it and his spinal cord sticking out from his blood covered shirt. His lower body was gone, cut off. His hands lost their strength and his body fell to the floor, as his vision started to fade the last thing his terrified eyes saw were the same two hands reaching out of the darkness towards him.

 

24 hours ago

 

The door closed as a man in a grey coat walked in from the rain. Dusting the rain off, he made his way to the bar. He took of his coat and a leather bag that hung from his waist. Wearing a black shirt and blue jeans he caught the bartender’s attention.

 

“What can I get you?” the middle aged bartender asked.

 

“A beer” the man said.

 

“That’ll be 1.20$” he said opening a beer bottle and placing it in front of the man.

 

The man pulled out his wallet from his back pocket and took out a hundred.

 

He placed the hundred dollar bill on the table. The bartender looked at the man in confusion for a while then opened the cash register to take out alot of change but the man said “That won’t be necessary”.

 

Confused the bartender looked at the man who signaled him to come closer.

 

The bartender came close to the man. He said “I need some information. The hundred’s yours if you tell me what I need to know.”

 

The bartender leaned in closer. The man brought up his leather bag that he had placed by his feet. Opening it he took out a newspaper cutout. He unfolded the paper and placed it on the counter facing the bartender. The newspaper article was headlined “Police Find Sicko the Clown’s Hideout”. Along the side of the article was a picture of an old house under which it was captioned “The old abandoned Easton Estate”. The bartender looked at the man.

 

“Who are you and why do you want to know about this?” he asked as he pushed the article away.

 

The man took the newspaper cutout and placed it in his bag.

 

“Name’s James, James Baker. I’m a reporter for ‘The Unreported’ news agency. We go around to small towns like this one, finding incidents that were so horrific that the entire town went into shock that they decided not to let the outside world hear about it. Well I found one right here in this quite little town. ‘Sicko the Psycho Clown’ ring any bells? By the way, exactly how many kids were there? 13? Right?”  He said as he took a large gulp from his beer.

 

The bartender looked at James angrily. “You listen to me son” he said. “I advise you to get on the next bus and head back to where ever it is you came from. You’re not welcomed here.”

 

“Alright! Can I have my change?” asked James drinking down his beer.

 

“It’s on the house. Now get out” the bartender said sternly.

 

“Okay, thank you for the hospitality. Be sure to keep your eyes on the papers and the reporters” James said as he got up to leave while placing the empty bottle on the counter.

 

“Reporters?” questioned the bartender

 

“Yeah! After the world learns how the little town of Elton brutally slaughtered 13 little orphan children, for a sacrifice ritual. 13 innocent children all aged 5, be-headed and hung from trees in the forest. And for what? my dear readers do you ask? Well, the wise people of Elton thought that doing so would rid the town of evil clown spirits.” James smiled at the bartender.

 

The bartender stared at James with anger and disgust.

 

“You see my dear sir; a story of a psychotic clown who killed 13 little kids isn't something I’m just going to leave. You see when a reporter doesn't get information about a story; he has to use his own imagination.  And boy the media is going to have a field day when they read what I’ll publish when I get back. This quite town will be swarming with news vans, police investigations etcetera, etcetera. Oh! And the last sentence of the article will read ‘All this was narrated by the owner of Traver’s Traven, the 58 year old bartender Mr. Traver Jr. who occasionally took part in the rituals.” James continued to smile at the bartender.

 

“And if you’re thinking the town can say the article is false or fake or that I made it up, there’ll be 21 anonymous testimonials that’ll say different. In other words 21 people from this town who’ll agree to everything written. Their identities will not be made public as the people of this town are kinda crazy and that they fear for their lives. Well, regardless what I write and what truth comes out this story will make this town quite famous.” James added as he picked up this coat and bag.

 

The bartender fell silent for a moment. Thinking hard he looked at James.

 

“Sit down” he said

 

“Thank you” James said in a cheerful voice sitting back in his seat.

 

“Shut up” the bartender said angrily.

 

“I’ll tell you everything you want to know but not now. Come back at 10:30. The Traven will be closed no eye witnesses.  But I have a condition? My name will not be in the article or even this Bar, get it?” 

 

“Deal!” James said smiling happily.

 

“For 800$” added the bartender.

 

The smile on James’s face disappeared as it appeared on the bartender’s.

 

“800$ for the truth with proof” James said.

 

The bartender nodded his head.

 

James got up and looked at the clock above. It was 9:23. Grabbing his coat and bag he gave the bartender a nod then left.

 

It was 10:36 when the door of the Traven that had a ‘Closed’ sign on it opened. James looked into the darkened bar. He saw at the last booth with a lamp on the table, two glasses and a bottle, sat the bartender. Shutting the door behind him and making sure no one was around James headed for the booth. Placing his coat on the far end of the bench and bag on the table he sat down as the bartender opened the bottle of rum. He poured the dark red liquid into the glasses and pushed one towards James who had taken out a note pad and a pen from his bag. Concealed inside his bag James had also pushed the record button on a small tape recorder.

 

“Let’s get one thing straight first of all. No names!” said the bartender as he took a sip.

 

“No names” replied James.

 

“Okay! This happened 6 years ago. Parents started reporting that their children had gone missing. The reports kept piling up and the police were clue less. Almost 9 missing children. All disappeared without a trace. Then one day Frank the gas…” The bartender looked at James then his note pad as he was writing.

 

“No names, don’t worry, go on.” James said.

 

“Frank the gas station attendant saw a clown walking with a little kid. The kid was happy with a balloon and the clown guy was telling him some jokes. Nothing strange there until the day after when Frank saw a missing child poster at that gas station when he came for his shift. It was the same kid he saw with the clown. He rushed and notified the police who told the kid’s parents. This revealed that the kid was at a friend’s birthday party the night he disappeared. A birthday party that had a clown just as the one Frank described. The police rounded up every clown in town. Back then there just a hand full of them, questioned them even tortured them. Nothing, days went by the police were helpless.” He took a sip

 

“They couldn’t find any clues. The parents who hired the clown got his number from the paper and the papers said they got it anonymously. It was a dead end. To make matters worse 3 more missing kids were reported this time not from birthday parties with a clown but from the park, one from school and one right from his or her house. This made the people and police more frightened. 13 children missing, no ransom call, no suspects, nothing. Then one day a couple of kids came into the police station and told the chief they heard screams coming from the old Easton Estate.”

 

“Easton Estate, a little background on that?” asked James taking a sip.

 

“Yeah! It was built somewhere in the 20’s. Housed 4 generations of the Easton family till the only kid Charles… E? Edward Easton moved to the city in 1990. Since then it’s been locked up and you know…. just there.”

 

“Okay! Go on with your story.” James said.

 

“So when the kids told the chief about the screams they realized that the best and only place to hide kidnapped kids was the only place they didn’t check. I think it was the 9 of July when literary every cop car and cop in town rushed to the Easton Estate. They had the place surrounded and then they went in from all sides. Front door, back door, through the windows But there was nothing. The house was completely empty, just the way it was left. The one of the cops noticed blood trails leading to the underground wine cellar. When they went in there….”

 

The bartender paused for a moment. Knowing this could be a sensitive part of the story James didn’t say a word. They both took a sip of their rum in silence.

 

“They went down there and the found the kids, all 13 of them, in about 2000 pieces. This sick son of a b***h had chopped then up. Not cut them, but chopped them up like a goddamn butcher. He was eating them.

 

James chocked on his drink and placed his hand on his mouth.

 

“W-What?” he said clearing his throat

 

“Yeah! he was cooking and eating them, parts of them were missing.”

 

“And you know this for a fact?”

 

“B*****d confessed.”

 

“Wait, they caught him?”

 

“Yeah! once they we certain this was his hideout they sent all the cars back to the station and hid in and around the house as if nothing had happened. Around three hours later he came back, still dressed as a goddamn clown. As soon as he entered the house and got perfectly in near the stairway, they jumped him but the skinny bugger ran up the stairs like a squirrel. They knew they had him, police had the outside of the house surrounded. He ran up to the attic, thought he could escape through the window but one of the more pissed of cops went after him. Making sure he wouldn’t escape the cop fired a shot at his knee cap from behind, the bullet went through his bright red pant, flesh, muscle and bone. He yelled as he lost balance and went through the window, had a good fall. The cops didn’t bother picking him up and taking him in a squad car, they just threw his a*s in the back of a pickup, b*****d cried and yelled the entire way.” The bartender said it with a smile sipping his rum.

 

“Back at the station he was questioned for nearly an entire week without a break but they still had no idea who he was or from where he had come. All he told them was his name was Ponco the clown and that he liked eating children’s meat. Said when he was a kid he bit his 4 year old sister, sick b*****d liked it. Then when his parents left them alone one day he killed her and roasted her flesh. In his words: ‘The best meal he ever had’ but he didn’t tell us their names. Then he finally confessed, he was the one who kidnapped the 14 children.”

 

“14? You said it was 13.”

 

“Yeah! there was a 14th victim. A girl, um…sorry forgot her name but she was the oldest victim. She was around 18 or something. She wasn't reported missing after she disappeared because he parents thought she ran away cause had a thing for some guy, her parents knew about and weren't too happy. The clown’s description of her matched what she looked like the night she disappeared.”

 

“So they told the parents what actually happened to their daughter?” James took the last sip in his glass.

 

“No!”

 

“No? Why not?”

 

“They didn’t find a body; all the other 13 kid’s bodies were found but not hers.”

 

 “They asked the clown?”

 

“Yeah!” he took the gulp of rum in his glass and refilled both of theirs.

 

“They asked him. This is where the story gets weird. You see he knew the cops would eventually find out so he was leaving the town. He went to the train station at around 2:00, early in the morning, no one’s around at that time and the only train that passes the station is a goods train. That’s where he found her preparing to run away with her boyfriend. Apparently he was a no show and she was there in the dark all alone. So, he sneaked up behind her and knocked her unconscious then took her back to the manor.” The bartender paused

 

“He raped her.” he said gulping down a large amount with his hand visibly holding the glass very tightly.

 

“Left her in the locked basement and went upstairs for a nap. Morning he found the basement empty, she had escaped, broke the wood around the lock. But the front door was still locked shut and so were the windows, she was still in the house.  He began searching for her, started from the kitchen but as he entered the room she hit him from behind the door with a hammer, making him bleed. She should not have done that.” He said, drinking down what was left in his glass.

 

Looking straight at James for the first time during his narration, James knew the following could be disturbing, the bartender continued.

 

“He caught her foot making her fall, then grabbed the hammer, got on top of her and started to lay her out. Hitting her over and over, again and again till, as he said, her lower jaw hung of the left side of her face as the right side was completely torn. The flesh, muscle, bone everything in her face was ripped off but even after that sever beating she was still alive, still breathing. He then went into the kitchen and got a knife, stabbed her, kept stabbing her till she died.”

 

James looked clearly shocked, as he stared straight back at the bartender.

 

“Staying on her for a few minutes to make sure she was dead he finally got off. Went upstairs to bandage his head but

when he was coming down after about 20-25 minutes he got the shock of his life. She was alive.”

 

James looked at the bartender with disbelief.

 

“I can tell from your face you don’t believe what I’m saying. Thought so, here read it for yourself” the bartender tossed a file in front of James.

 

James opened it slowly; it was the police report about the incident. Looking over each page slowly he came to one page with a paper clip on it. It was the clown’s narration about what had happened.

 

I placed aid of cotton on hurt in my head and went down, needed to eat girl before it go bad. I was on stairs when I saw she alive, living, still breathing. She was not dead. On her stomach she crawling towards door. I beat, stab but she alive. She not human, voodoo girl. I went to kitchen, on wall cupboard  top I hide axe. I take it and go towards girl, she crying., jaw hanging, blood flowing. I put my foot on her back and axe her midway. I keep axing till she now in two. I pull her legs from body, she scream and cry. When she not move I went to back house to get gas. But when I come back she gone. She would not die.

 

Now clearly terrified James looked at the bartender who was drowsy. He read on.

 

Her top body was not there where I left, only her legs. I put gas on lefts and set fire. I search but she nowhere.

 

“They went back, to the house to look for her. They did find that the front room’s floor had an axe cut marks and a fire had burnt it black. Searched the entire house no body, they couldn’t even find the leg bones.”

 

“So what happened to the clown? Hanged?”

 

“He escaped!”

 

“What? Escaped? How?”

 

“When he was in jail, one night two guards went it to finish him off. They underestimated the clown, tricked both of them then escaped. They looked everywhere, kept a group at the estate waiting in case he goes back. 2 years nothing. He vanished, just hope and pray he died a horrible death for what he did. Well, that’s the story. You happy?”

 

“Yeah” James said as he closed the file and placed it in his bag and took out a bundle of notes and placed it in front of the bartender. “1000$, I’m also buying your cycle” he said getting up.

 

 “hmm….um…sure, as you wish” the bartender said dozing off.

 

James got up with his coat and bag and headed for the bar. Over the counter was a map of the town. He looked at it carefully, reading each line, each name, remembering it well.  When he was done he looked over at the sleeping bartender then headed out the door.

© 2014 Christopher Paul


Author's Note

Christopher Paul
My apologies I haven't proofread it so if you find any mistakes please look over it.

My Review

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Featured Review

Wow, I was actually very impressed with your story.

Reading the initial part, where James is making his way through the house, I started losing interest slowly and dreading all the reading. When you are very descriptive and detailed with every motion that the protagonist makes, it usually leaves the reader confused. I could not follow what was going on most of the time, since it seemed he was always turning some corner or opening some door or whatever. In my opinion, you should focus on narrating what's going on, rather than write every single thing that is happening. I don't know if that makes any sense, but keep in mind that the reader cannot visualize exactly what you are visualizing.

When the backstory of the whole thing started, that's when I became really interested in everything. I mean, a cannibal f*****g clown? Holy s**t. The story got even more interesting when the last victim was brought into the conversation. The whole idea of someone being raped, hammered, axed, and have their legs torn off and STILL be breathing was something that enthralled me.

Work a little bit on your ACTION sequences. Like I said before, keep in mind that the reader just sees the words, and can't actually SEE what you SEE. A good piece of advice that I was told when writing out action sequences, the reader can fill in the blanks so you don't need to write out every single gesture.

Keep it up.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christopher Paul

7 Years Ago

WOW!!! Thank you so much for this wonderful review and for the advice. This being one of my first at.. read more



Reviews

I've been looking on this site for good fiction stories to read. I'm so glad I came across this. It's a really compelling story! The only advice I have is to consider speeding up the beginning. All the description of getting to the manor makes it start off kind of slow, and might deter readers from going further into the story. I agree with J. Justice Mendez, that you should narrow down the descriptions to what is going on, not necessarily everything that is in the setting. The readers will make that part up in their heads. After all, isn't that the fun of reading? Thank you for sharing this! I'll be looking at more of your work!

Posted 6 Years Ago


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This wasn't too bad. but I did spot one or two things that could use some work. I think the story is a bit too long, but simultaneously rushed. This comes from there being a paragraph to describe every location, but the actions in those locations being very fast. This is evident in the first paragraph where he starts by riding a bike down a road, and by the end of a single paragraph he's in the woods. It feels like it could use some more transition paragraphs rather than, Short Action, Long Description, Short Action, Long description.

Other than that, there wasn't much else I could see wrong. If you just revise it a bit you'll have something very solid.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Wow, I was actually very impressed with your story.

Reading the initial part, where James is making his way through the house, I started losing interest slowly and dreading all the reading. When you are very descriptive and detailed with every motion that the protagonist makes, it usually leaves the reader confused. I could not follow what was going on most of the time, since it seemed he was always turning some corner or opening some door or whatever. In my opinion, you should focus on narrating what's going on, rather than write every single thing that is happening. I don't know if that makes any sense, but keep in mind that the reader cannot visualize exactly what you are visualizing.

When the backstory of the whole thing started, that's when I became really interested in everything. I mean, a cannibal f*****g clown? Holy s**t. The story got even more interesting when the last victim was brought into the conversation. The whole idea of someone being raped, hammered, axed, and have their legs torn off and STILL be breathing was something that enthralled me.

Work a little bit on your ACTION sequences. Like I said before, keep in mind that the reader just sees the words, and can't actually SEE what you SEE. A good piece of advice that I was told when writing out action sequences, the reader can fill in the blanks so you don't need to write out every single gesture.

Keep it up.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christopher Paul

7 Years Ago

WOW!!! Thank you so much for this wonderful review and for the advice. This being one of my first at.. read more
only 2 stories I've ever read have scared me, and congratulations, one of them is yours. I'm going go go hide under my covers now.

Posted 9 Years Ago


i really loved your story and i picked it for the winner

Posted 9 Years Ago


I like the action and horror bits. I found the beginning of the reporter section more interesting than the character making his way into the house. There are several paragraphs that take too long to get to the good part. The bit with the reporter goes on too long too. The story could be shorter.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Well, good thing I don't have to sleep EVER! That was an extremely chilling tale, it gave me goosebumps! Nice job, it's a really scary story!

Posted 9 Years Ago


I found it invigorating and, exciting. Very eerie and, flowed very well. I urge you to continue!

Posted 9 Years Ago


OMG..this story is toooooo good...i really loved it..It totally freaked me..I could just imagine everything..And believe me,if you ever publish a novel,I'd be the first one to get it. #THUMBSUP

Posted 9 Years Ago


A truly dark and interestingly weird tale. Keep it up *thumbs up*

Posted 9 Years Ago



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Added on June 6, 2014
Last Updated on June 6, 2014
Tags: horror, ghost, voodoo