Part 1

Part 1

A Chapter by Oolu

Ashi looked on thoughtfully, as he surveyed the scene below. It was only ten or fifteen feet but a mist separated him from the silent mayhem from which he had departed. Suddenly, he found himself on a breakneck perpendicular trajectory ascending at the speed of light. As he ascended, so did the intensity of the light.

The featherlike grasp that had been Ashi’s guide for this momentary journey seemed to evaporate as he was hurled headlong into the mysteries of complete freedom. That elusive power that all of us have a glimpse of now and again, of acting without compulsion.
__________________________

If only we knew at the dawn of our lives, that the need to belong eroded away any possibility of ever retaining that subtle capacity. The retention of that state of idyllic reverie seemed a natural point of reference, and one to which Ashi could return at any time that he felt his ability to act or think or feel was being imposed upon by external constraints.
For Ashi, freedom was much more than just another word for nothing left to lose; to the contrary it signified to him, all that he had to gain, and all that he could inspire others to hope for. Hoping, praying, dreaming, it was all the same; and would result, or even ‘had resulted’,in a transformation that imbued the integrity of the soul with a sapience that opened the gates to paradise and purgatory.
_____________________________
Ashi’s freedom was short lived. On his release he had been sent spinning towards the entrance of what turned out to be an etheric tunnel composed of visual representations of the emotions that he had generated within the hearts of those with whom he had interacted with in any depth. These were no pictures of crying women, or laughing children, or Santa Claus being spurned; what they were was a cornucopia of symbols. And although Ashi didn’t realise the significance of this iconography being presented to him, his spirit translated these hieroglyphics into images that were rendered and imprinted onto his acumen, where feelings and imagination are realised.

How to grow, how to live, how to be? When, where, who, how, why, what; all questions that require patience and perception. Someone stands before you saying ‘What next.” The question asks the most basic of exhortations, but do we reply? Do we feel the meaning of our lives, do we know just how our thoughts process and progress? Or is it that there’s no rhyme or reason to any of it, and we’re all just slaves to that unknown God ‘desire’.
At that moment, Ashi felt as if he knew the meaning of the morpheme that presented itself before his taciturn psyche. His perception of what was transpiring ahead of him was clear. It was as if all knowledge in the universe had been granted to him, and he knew that that knowledge which was pertinent to a specific situation was available to him.
But at that moment, Ashi was pulled with a violence that he had never known into a headlong charge downwards.



© 2019 Oolu


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After reading this, what I know about Ashi is that his name is Ashi, he values freedom, but he is not necessarily free. You told me those things, so I know them, but I don't feel any connection to Ashi.

I also don't really see anything. There's no movie playing in my mind. It's more like I'm reading a wikipedia page than a story, in that sense, but it's a wikipedia page about a topic I don't know anything about, and I don't learn anything about the topic by reading it.

If you're looking for advice, I would say we need to see some of Ashi's character, and have context for where he is, or what he's doing. What you've written here might come across better late in the story, after we've invested in the character and understand something about the world. Maybe he's just stepped into a machine that's tearing his mind apart. Could work.

As a more general suggestion, you're using a lot of uncommon words here that don't seem to add anything to the story, and that might come across as pretentious. Since the piece is already so abstract, adding layers of abstraction to it really hurts you. I would stick with simple, direct language, unless there is a compelling reason for it I'm just not understanding.

I wish I could offer more here. This just doesn't work for me, full stop. It's hard to read.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Oolu

1 Month Ago

Thank you Christoph for your time and comment. I guess I am using such language because the whole si.. read more



Reviews

After reading this, what I know about Ashi is that his name is Ashi, he values freedom, but he is not necessarily free. You told me those things, so I know them, but I don't feel any connection to Ashi.

I also don't really see anything. There's no movie playing in my mind. It's more like I'm reading a wikipedia page than a story, in that sense, but it's a wikipedia page about a topic I don't know anything about, and I don't learn anything about the topic by reading it.

If you're looking for advice, I would say we need to see some of Ashi's character, and have context for where he is, or what he's doing. What you've written here might come across better late in the story, after we've invested in the character and understand something about the world. Maybe he's just stepped into a machine that's tearing his mind apart. Could work.

As a more general suggestion, you're using a lot of uncommon words here that don't seem to add anything to the story, and that might come across as pretentious. Since the piece is already so abstract, adding layers of abstraction to it really hurts you. I would stick with simple, direct language, unless there is a compelling reason for it I'm just not understanding.

I wish I could offer more here. This just doesn't work for me, full stop. It's hard to read.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Oolu

1 Month Ago

Thank you Christoph for your time and comment. I guess I am using such language because the whole si.. read more
You have an elegant pen. A couple minor points. Be wary of the use of 'seem' and unnecessary introductory elements. They detract from your otherwise strong voice. This a great philosophical piece.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Oolu

1 Month Ago

Thank you, Pryde, for your time and comment, I will work with that, but first I need to get this sto.. read more

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Added on November 8, 2019
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Author

Oolu
Oolu

Bulgaria



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