One

“Mmm. That smells good! What are you cooking, momma?” I asked, lifting the lid off the pot that sat on the wood stove.
I set the pot lid back on the bubbling brown liquid and looked around. The atmosphere seemed to be so cheerful, it was odd. I was so happy and at peace. It seemed like such a good day compared to the last year of my life. During the last winter season my older brother Carson took ill. We tried and tried, and spent most of our coin to get the best doctors but we couldn’t save him. We were devastated, mother and father lost their precious son, and I lost my best friend.
“Just a beef stew, with the special dumplings I know are your favorite.” Mother replied affectionately.
“Where’s papa?”
“He’s out helping the neighbors with the harvest. It looks like it’ll be a plentiful crop this year. Carson’s with him too, why don’t you go down there and lend a hand?”
I froze. Was it just a slip of the tongue? She just kept smiling.
“B..but mother, Carson... he’s ...” I stumbled, trying to get it out.
“Carson’s what Fifi?” She cocked her head, her long blond hair cascading over her shoulder as she smiled.
“Carson’s with God now, momma. He’s dead, don’t you remember?” I managed to say, tears welling up in my eyes.
The smile faded from my mother’s face, fear washed over her features. Then a peculiar smell assaulted my nose. What was it? It was smoke but...
“Momma! The stew! The stew is burning!” I screamed as smoke billowed out from underneath the pot, then flames.
The flames licked up the walls, eating everything, jumping to the table and then to the thatched roof. The smoke was burning my eyes, my lungs, everything!
“Momma no!” I screamed as I saw her on the floor.

I bolted up in my bed, frantically looking around. My vision was blurred, I wiped at my eyes to clear the tears. The first sight I saw was a fog seeping into my room through the open window. No, it wasn’t fog, it was smoke! It had crept into my dreams to wake me! I heard shouting! I looked out my window and saw spots of light in the inky blackness. They were glowing and flickering, fire! It was spreading quick! I threw open the tattered curtain that separated my room from the rest of the house.
“Mama! Papa!” I screamed as I dashed to their bedroom only to find their bed empty.
I dashed back out to the main part of the house and looked around wildly. Then a piercing scream echoed through the night. I ran to the mantel where I knew father kept his swords. I noted that his was gone, I grasped the other one that belonged to my dear brother Carson. With the sword firmly in my grip I raced out of the house and onto the dirt road that joined our small farming village with the rest of the country. Another scream resounded off the houses around me and I took off towards it. What was going on? Who would be attacking us? This country has been at peace for centuries, who have we offended so much that they would attack us?
Adrenaline pumped through me as I saw the fire spread and devour everything in it’s path. I heard the clash of metal, sword to sword. Just then, something crashed through the wall of the inn. It was a man that I recognized as the innkeeper. He groaned and tried to stand up, I started to run to him but I stopped in my tracks. Something huge, something I didn’t know, jumped through the hole in the wall out onto the street.
It made a sound. A deep, rolling cackle rumbled out of it.
“Tiny human! You think you can defeat me?! Stupid, worthless race you are!” It roared. With that it swung it’s arms above it’s head, arms that were clutching a massive axe. It laughed once more before it brought down the axe with such force that the ground vibrated as it cut through the innkeepers body.
I heard a shriek of terror, I didn’t realize it was my own until that thing looked right at me.
“Another plaything? Well, this one is certainly prettier!” It roared with laughter as it started towards me.
I was frozen in place, everything inside me screamed to move but my legs stayed planted where they were. It was almost to me when a figure darted out from no where and grabbed me. Whoever it was hauled me up onto their back and ran, weaving through buildings, hearing the rumbling footsteps of the thing that chased us. The man ran faster, ran around the corner of the lumber mill and ducked inside before the monster saw where we had gone. I felt faint as I was set gently on the ground. Strong arms shook me as my vision faded in and out.
“Ophelia! My darling girl! Stay with me please!” An anguished cry rang in my ears.
I snapped my head up and was alert.
“Papa!” I screamed, tears rushing down my cheeks as I threw my arms around his neck and clung to him. He clung back, squeezing me until I thought my bones would crack. We parted and I looked at him, there was blood all over his face although some of it was not his own.
“Papa what’s going on?! Where’s mama?!”
His eyes turned pained.
“Your mother... she’s... she’s dead.” He forced through gritted teeth, desperately holding himself together. “These creatures are attacking the village! We can’t hold them off much longer. Now I need you to listen, Fifi. Listen carefully, in the house, above the mantel of the fireplace, the middle brick is loose. Pull it out and you will find all of our savings, take it-“
“No papa! No! I’m not leaving you here! I can fight! We can beat them!” I lunged at him, throwing my arms around him babbling in hysteria. I detected the movement of his hand just before the back of it collided with my cheek and sent me staggering backwards. I was shocked into silence.
“Listen to me!” He cried, it came out strangled and filled with barely-contained emotion. “Take the savings! Take them and run! Run South as fast as you can until you reach Menhral.”
I nodded obediently, still in shock.
“You have to promise me something, promise me that you won’t look back, promise me that you will keep on running.” His voice quieted as tears started to flow down his face, he gently knelt next to me and threw his arms around me. “I intend to die here, so my dying wish is that you live a full and happy life. Find a man that will love you like I loved your mother, live with all the morals and rules that we raised you on and do whatever it takes to achieve your happiness. I just want you to know that your mother and I... and Carson, all three of us love you more than anything. It saddens me to know that I won’t make it to see you turn into the magnificent woman that I know you’ll become.”
I loud crash brought us back into reality as more screaming followed it.
“It’s time! Hurry, now!” He pressed something into my palm and shoved me out the door of the mill.
I took off running then stopped when I opened my palm. It was the ring that had been passed down generations and was the source of my father’s pride. I looked back just as he was charging out of the mill.
“Father!” He turned at my call. “I love you father!” I wailed.
“Don’t forget me! I’ll be watching over you!” He yelled just before he uttered a guttural cry and charged headlong into battle.
With that I turned and ran as fast as I could, keeping in the shadows. Our house was the second last on the road leading South, thankfully the fire hadn’t crawled that far yet. I went to step out onto the road, but instantly dove back into the shadows. A huge beast, brown scaly skin that smelled of rotting flesh, came charging past me towards the crowd of clashing bodies. I peeked my head out from the darkness to make sure no more were coming. When I was satisfied that the way was clear I bolted across the dirt road and through the open door of our home. I still clutched Carson’s sword as I ran to the fireplace. I threw the sword to the floor and frantically clawed at the loose centre brick. My fingers couldn’t get a good hold, my finger tips were being scraped raw but I couldn’t feel it. I went back to the brick with furious determination and with one solid tug it came flying out, knocking me on my back. I scrambled to my feet, reached into the hole and felt a leather sack. I grabbed a belt with the sword’s sheath attached to it and securely fastened it around my waist over my filthy nightshirt. I secured the pouch to my belt and sheathed the sword. I dashed back to the doorway and stopped, I swung around and let my eyes roam over this familiar place. This is the last time I will see it, I thought to myself, this is how I will remember it. Unsoiled by the monsters’ filth, and I’ll remember my mother cooking on the stove, Carson out back chopping wood to stoke the fire and father, covered with grime but smiling as he comes home from a long day in the fields. Yes, this is how I’ll remember them all. I wiped the tears from my eyes and spun around and leapt from the doorway. I took off running as fast as I could down the South road, as I promised, I would not look back.

 The adrenaline kept me from feeling the ache of my legs or the cuts on my bare feet, I just kept running. Just then, a large shadow swooped down from the sky and landed with a heavy thud in front of me.

“Going somewhere?” It asked in a deep, coarse voice.
I drew my sword. It threw back it’s grotesquely horned head and howled with more laughter.
“What do you think you’re going to do with that? Are you going to slay me?” It mocked.
“You are the shadow...” I mumbled, remembering a passage from the legend of the famous hero, Braith Galmore.
“What’s that? I can’t hear you. You’re so pathetic! Just let me destroy you and end your meaningless existence.”
“You are the shadow on this world! You are everything that is wrong! You are sin and evil incarnate! Your filth will not taint me!” I roared as I charged towards the fiend.

I swung the blade with the precision and calm that both my brother and father had taught me. I lunged; it dodged out of my way and laughed. My vision clouded red and I howled with rage, as I ran at my opponent a second time my hands started glowing red, the glow seeped from my hands all the way down the blade. The glow flashed brightly just as I launched myself off the ground, both hands gripping the sword above my head, I hit the apex of my jump and brought the blade down. I felt the glowing steel slice through the flesh of the monster, felt the splatter of the foul-smelling blood against my skin as the beast howled in agony. I hit the dirt in a crouch, I looked up just in time to watch my opponent fall to the ground. The foul blood flowing out of the long gaping wound I inflicted, from it’s neck all the way down it’s abdomen. I felt like I was going to faint as I heard the beast rasp its last breath. I looked around as the world started to spin. Terror spiked in me once more when I saw that two more fiends approached. I tried to stand, but my legs trembled and collapsed beneath me. My vision returned from it’s red hue but blurred and twisted. I heard the roars of the beasts that approached me, no doubt angered that I vanquished their comrade. I slumped to the ground as much as I tried to fight it.

“No, this can’t be the end, I have to live! Live! Like I promised father I would! I have to live for mother, father and Carson because their lives were cut too short! I can’t die now! Get up! Get up Ophelia!” My thoughts screamed.
I stabbed Carson’s sword into the dirt and grasped the hilt, I tried to pull myself up but fell back to the ground. “Get up Ophelia!” I wrapped my hands around the hilt again.
“Get up now, or your family’s deaths will be in vain! Get up Ophelia!” With a burst of strength I planted my feet and tugged myself up.
My vision cleared mostly, but the two approaching masses were still blurred. I wrenched the blade out of the dirt and held it up in my defense. I trembled with both fear and exhaustion as they neared. They started to yell words to me, but I couldn’t understand them. When I didn’t respond to their taunts they became enraged and charged toward me, weapons drawn.
Closer, closer they came. I braced myself for impact and closed my eyes, but nothing came. I opened my eyes and saw a white orb of light. The orb was acting as a barrier between the beasts and I. The orb began to pulsate and it grew brighter. The monsters, brought back from their surprise, charged to attack. But just as they reached the orb, the pulsations quickened. A bright flash of light erupted from the orb and hit the beasts. I heard strangled cries as the monsters’ flesh disintegrated in the light. The light faded and there was mere ash left of the opponents.
The orb’s light faded to a muted glow. With wide eyes, I fell to my knees, tremors wracked my body as my vision began to fade again. I collapsed; my last sight was of the orb fading away to reveal a figure. Then blackness.

Author's Note

The main things I'm looking for feedback on are the goodbye scene with her father and the battle scene.

Reviews

[Voidwvlf]

The storyline is good, but it's hard to read the dialogue because it's all scrunched together. Each separate line of dialogue not from the same speaker needs to have its own paragraph, and description relating to the dialogue need not be separate, ex:

“Going somewhere?” It asked in a deep, coarse voice. I drew my sword. It threw back it’s grotesquely horned head and howled with more laughter. “What do you think you’re going to do with that? Are you going to slay me?” It mocked.

“You are the shadow...” I mumbled, remembering a passage from the legend of the famous hero, Braith Galmore.

“What’s that? I can’t hear you. You’re so pathetic! Just let me destroy you and end your meaningless existence.”

I enjoyed your description. It makes the story feel fast-paced and vivid. Keep it up!

[StonyB]

Here is the chapter i mentioned. If you have a minute read and tell me if u see the similarities i mentioned. It will be interesting to see our our two different stories, and perspectives come out in print
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/StonyB/1011215/

[StonyB]

Very well written, i see some subtle similarities in our story lines and I'm very interested to see where your story goes from here. Your tale of Ophelia so far is very descriptive, and i can see her standing there with her father, tears in both of their eyes, making their last painful goodbye. The jump so quickly to a battle, and one which consists of magic perhaps? was totally unexpected, i had no idea she would be capable of such a battle from what I had read so far. I'm interested to see where u go with her Battle Magic, if that's what it is. I was glued to it and will be reading more. Good work