Oh, Baby!

Oh, Baby!

A Story by Jacob Clifford
"

When babysitting goes wrong.

"
Oh, Baby!

"I'm sure he'll be no problem!" I say cheerily. Famous last words.
I'm babysitting my little nephew (hereafter simply "Baby"). He's about five weeks old, and he's an angel brought to Earth. I've watched him before, but never on my own; Baby's grandmother normally helps me. I'm sure everything will be fine, but I'm justifiably jittery.
The moment my sister walks out of the room, I look down at Baby. I have him in my arms, and he's as cute as can be. His little mouth is hanging open, and he's blankly looking around the room. I hear the front door close.
Baby slowly turns up his head so he's looking at me. His chubby cheeks are drooping, hanging down next to his second chin. I beam down at him, my lips so far apart they hurt. With a certain amount of humor, I notice his fists are tightly closed, save for the middle finger on his right hand.
"Oh no," I say to him," are you flicking me off?"
His eyes lock onto mine, his adorable face chubby and unassuming. He raises his hand ever-so-slowly, his finger still perfectly straight. My look of amusement turns to horror as I realize what he's doing. He continues to move his hand until his tiny middle finger pushes against my nose. But Baby doesn't stop there; oh no, he keeps pushing, making my head snap back. I pull my head out of the range of his tiny arms and look at his face. His lips moving at the speed of a diabetic snail, he smirks at me.
Oh no! is all I have time to think before he opens his mouth, the tip of his tongue sticking out.
"Whaaaaa!"
The sound of his wailing nearly deafens me. I stumble backward, tripping over a coffee table and falling flat on my a*s, holding Baby safely over my head. He looks down at me, smiling and drooling. A stream of saliva runs down his face, forms a bead on his third chin, and falls on my face.
"Ah, Baby! What the hell?" I say as I get back up to my feet and blink the spit out of my eyes. I look at him accusingly. He doesn't answer. At least not with words.
A low, gurgling sound comes from his abdomen--and it's not stopping anytime soon! I watch as his diaper begins sagging. At first, it just swells slightly, but before long, it's dangling by my waist, swaying dangerously. If that thing gets any bigger, I'm gonna need a garden hose to clean up the mess. But, mercifully, his a*s blasting stops.
I hold my breath and lean Baby against my shoulder with one arm. With the other, I grab the changing pad and lay it out on the couch. I set him on it, careful not to upset the delicate balance inside his diaper. I put a clean diaper and a container of baby wipes on the table and brace myself for what's to come.
After opening up Baby's diaper, I smell something that can only be described as Satan's moldy armpit. My vision fades. My ears ring. I pass out.
I would remain unconscious until my sister returns home, but Baby's ungodly crying eventually stirs me. I come to, staring at the ceiling. My head is pounding, and some terrible smell is having non-consensual sex with my nostrils. I sit up and look at the couch. Baby is lying there, his face beet red from yelling. I wedge two tissues firmly up my nose and get down to business.
After ten minutes of wiping, cleaning, and crying, Baby's butt is sparkly clean. A pile of baby wipes two feet tall is sticking out of the garbage can, but that's a small price to pay. I put a new diaper on Baby and breath a sigh of relief.
To my dismay, a few seconds later, Baby is still crying. A tear materializes from his eye and falls down his face, catching slightly on his fourth and final chin before falling to the ground. The sound of my breaking heart is audible to the neighbors.
I spend the next two minutes frantically scrambling around the house, trying to find anything to soothe the beast. Finally, I realize he hasn't eaten since I started watching him. I run into the kitchen, take a container of breast milk from the fridge, and throw it in the microwave. While it's warming, I prep a bottle, putting a liner inside and a n****e on top. When the microwave goes off, I pour the milk into the bottle and check the temperature by putting a few drops on my wrist.
I pause. This is perhaps the strangest thing I've ever done I think to myself. I took a refrigerated bottle of milk from my sister's breasts, microwaved it, and am now squirting it on my arm. All the while, I'm holding a screaming infant who mere hours ago flipped me the bird.
Shrugging, I head into the living room and sit on the couch, propping up Baby in my arms. The moment the bottle enters his gaping maw, he stops crying. I thank whatever gods may be listening and watch Baby as he guzzles down milk with the speed of a famished blue whale. He starts squirming, shifting his tiny body around on my lap. After a few moments, he apparently finds a comfortable spot. His head is facing my knees, and his feet are mere inches from my gut. I think nothing of it.
No more than a couple minutes pass before Baby starts kicking. And by kicking, I don't mean idle leg movements. Oh no. I mean proper kicking. Moving at the speed of sound, Baby kicks the ever-living s**t out of my stomach. Each time one of his feet connects with my body, it's like a wrecking ball hitting me. Baby smiles after a little bit.
I stand up and let Baby's legs fall so they're vertical to the ground. I lock eyes with him. A few seconds pass. "Are you done?" I ask him.
"Goo."
"Alright then," I say, starting to sit again. He swings his hips and kicks me in the chin.

It takes me twenty minutes to finally calm him down. My forearm is parallel with the ground, and he's sitting against my biceps. I walk around the house, rocking slightly. He's no longer kicking, but every once in a while he swings his tiny hands, scratching my arms and leaving little reds marks on my skin. Before long, I have a crude tattoo of Mona Lisa on the underside of my wrist. But even the scratching stops after a few minutes. Craning my neck, I see that Baby is asleep. Moving like a ninja, I creep over to the couch and ease myself down. I turn him around so that he's resting against my chest.
I hear the front door open and close. Oh, thank god! Moments later, my sister walks into the room. She smiles when she sees Baby sound asleep.
How was he? she mouths.
I give her a thumbs up.

© 2017 Jacob Clifford


Author's Note

Jacob Clifford
True story! Mostly... I embellished quite a bit, but this story is based on an event that happened about two months ago. The thumbnail/picture/whatever (top left) of this story is a picture of me holding my nephew, from a few weeks ago. I would love to know what you think about the story. Feel free to leave a review or comment.

Awarded second: http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/So-You-Think-You-Can-Funny/53724/

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Now this is a very funny story and oh so familiar to me!

Only those who have endured such lovable torture at the hands of an infant could truly understand the difficulty it takes to look after a baby. Even for an afternoon!

As always, you have written a very clearly defined and descriptive story, completely grounded in realities that are only too true. And there is absolutely no greater stench known to man than that which comes from a newborn baby's nappy! How an infant can produce such a terrorizing stench from a diet of purely breast milk, is one of life's greatest mysteries.

Loved the descriptive language and the very funny moments you described throughout the story. Is there any greater insult than being flipped the bird by a baby? I doubt it!

A very endearing and humourous story, Clifford. I enjoyed it very much. Keep the writing coming!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 6 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

6 Years Ago

Thank you for such a flattering review, Doodley! Looking after Baby certainly isn't a walk in the pa.. read more



Reviews

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Ann
This is a great story Clifford!
I loved the way you described it.
You have a way with words.
Enjoyed this thoroughly!

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

5 Years Ago

Thank you, Neetha. Glad you enjoyed.
Clifford,
Watching a new born can compared to a Marx brothers comedy scene. Logic may take a back seat while chaos reigns.
You captured a typical babysitting scene with excellent humor and lightheartedness. I enjoyed your story and it served a strong reminder of what I have in store for myself as our daughter is expecting our first grandchild in June.
Richie b.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

5 Years Ago

That's awesome news! Congratulations, Grandpa. The best part about being a grandparent is you get to.. read more
Everybody else is saying so I guess I will too, this is highly relatable. I liked the balance of adult humor and still being kind of sweat with the kid. That's a hard thing to do, but smart as obviously kids aren't going to get nearly as much out of the story as adults who have experience caring for children.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

5 Years Ago

Thank you for reading. I appreciate your comments.
Haha Satan's moldy armpit, genius! I love the terms like that which you used to describe many of the events, it made the read that much more enjoyable. I recall watching my niece when she was that young, it's amazing how they can put you through a nightmare and you'll still love them afterwards. This was a great story. Usually you see stories like this from Mom or Dad, not the Uncle or Aunt. That was a nice change :)

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

6 Years Ago

Thanks, Amber! I'm very glad my attempts at humor came across so well. Yes, babies have a way of mak.. read more
your depiction of the scene is brilliant, Cliff and the embellishment you mentioned was masterfully done and made an ordinary scene (been there, done that) so funny and captivating. I really like this story. was wondering if the part where Baby flips the bird belongs to the embellishment or to reality :)

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

6 Years Ago

Thank you very much, Woody. That Baby Bird is, unfortunately, a real event. Of course, he lacks the .. read more
Woody

6 Years Ago

hahahaha I wish I could recall anecdotes from when my children when tiny tots.
This comment has been deleted by the poster.
this is funny, but i have been in the same type of thing before. its funny but a great one at the same time

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

6 Years Ago

Thanks for reading, SRS. I'm glad you enjoy the story.
Angel of the devil

6 Years Ago

welcome. just call me skull.
I loved the story! Your descriptions are so vivid, I can just imagine you with Baby.
Here are some of my thoughts I jotted down while reading. They're mostly just details, because I really liked the overall structure and narration.

- Good beginning, sets the scene.
- "helping out my sister by babysitting her baby boy" - a little complicated, maybe you could find a simpler way to say this.
- I loved the use of 'Baby' instead of giving him a name.
- "helps me" - in this part, cut out 'watch him'.
- "lips so far apart they hurt" - good description, shows some of his nervousness.
- "out of surprise" - cut this out, we know that he's surprised.
- "I took ..." you're not always consistent with your tense. Sometimes it's present, sometimes past.
- "swings his arms, scratching my arms" - repetition.


This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

6 Years Ago

I would love to read some of your works, but I already read and reviewed that story. If there's anyt.. read more
Kathrin S

6 Years Ago

Oh right, sorry!! I had seen your comment, but confused you with someone else. I might upload someth.. read more
Jacob Clifford

6 Years Ago

Haha, no problem. Just let me know.
This is fantastic, I am literally weeping with laughter. Babies totally love me too. Whenever I hold them they scream, and I've no doubt it's because they wish I'd been holding them all along... or something. This had me laughing all the way through. The crude Mona Lisa tattoo was hilarious, among many, many other things. And I thought the ending was perfect. Success at last and the bravado shown in that thumbs up. *applause!* Brilliant story. I absolutely love every bit of it. :)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

6 Years Ago

Ah, thank you very much! It's always been a dream of mine to someone cry! Er, from laughter, that is.. read more
Haha Cliff. A great write. It feels very real. Glad to hear it was. All of the silliness & lightheartedness aside, what you have is a great piece of work. Your descriptions are almost as endless as that baby's chin(s). I really admire your descriptive skills & sentences. I also enjoy how it all loops back to your last words " ".

I will also add I like how you center much of your writing on family matters & all that can follow. As I say, I like how you are able to pull the reader into a "false" world through means which make said-world feel very real. You have quite a knack, my good friend.

Phoenix

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

6 Years Ago

As always, I thank you very much for such a kind review. Many of the points you highlighted are thin.. read more
PhoenixDown

6 Years Ago

Your aim is straight & true. Bravo friend. You are welcome.
Lol! Adventures in babysitting! Those wee monsters offer some great material! I love the pic too. So cute.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

6 Years Ago

Thanks, Papaya. Those wee monsters certainly are entertaining, if nothing else, haha.
Ana Papaya

6 Years Ago

You're welcome :)

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Added on August 27, 2016
Last Updated on August 14, 2017
Tags: Baby, babysitting, true terror, diapers

Author

Jacob Clifford
Jacob Clifford

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About
Thank you, my Cafe family, for all that you have done for me. This has been a wonderful period of my life. If any of you ever want to reach me, feel free to send me an email at [email protected] more..

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