Oh, Baby!

Oh, Baby!

A Story by Jacob Clifford
"

When babysitting goes wrong.

"
Oh, Baby!

"I'm sure he'll be no problem!" I say cheerily. Famous last words.
I'm babysitting my little nephew (hereafter simply "Baby"). He's about five weeks old, and he's an angel brought to Earth. I've watched him before, but never on my own; Baby's grandmother normally helps me. I'm sure everything will be fine, but I'm justifiably jittery.
The moment my sister walks out of the room, I look down at Baby. I have him in my arms, and he's as cute as can be. His little mouth is hanging open, and he's blankly looking around the room. I hear the front door close.
Baby slowly turns up his head so he's looking at me. His chubby cheeks are drooping, hanging down next to his second chin. I beam down at him, my lips so far apart they hurt. With a certain amount of humor, I notice his fists are tightly closed, save for the middle finger on his right hand.
"Oh no," I say to him," are you flicking me off?"
His eyes lock onto mine, his adorable face chubby and unassuming. He raises his hand ever-so-slowly, his finger still perfectly straight. My look of amusement turns to horror as I realize what he's doing. He continues to move his hand until his tiny middle finger pushes against my nose. But Baby doesn't stop there; oh no, he keeps pushing, making my head snap back. I pull my head out of the range of his tiny arms and look at his face. His lips moving at the speed of a diabetic snail, he smirks at me.
Oh no! is all I have time to think before he opens his mouth, the tip of his tongue sticking out.
"Whaaaaa!"
The sound of his wailing nearly deafens me. I stumble backward, tripping over a coffee table and falling flat on my a*s, holding Baby safely over my head. He looks down at me, smiling and drooling. A stream of saliva runs down his face, forms a bead on his third chin, and falls on my face.
"Ah, Baby! What the hell?" I say as I get back up to my feet and blink the spit out of my eyes. I look at him accusingly. He doesn't answer. At least not with words.
A low, gurgling sound comes from his abdomen--and it's not stopping anytime soon! I watch as his diaper begins sagging. At first, it just swells slightly, but before long, it's dangling by my waist, swaying dangerously. If that thing gets any bigger, I'm gonna need a garden hose to clean up the mess. But, mercifully, his a*s blasting stops.
I hold my breath and lean Baby against my shoulder with one arm. With the other, I grab the changing pad and lay it out on the couch. I set him on it, careful not to upset the delicate balance inside his diaper. I put a clean diaper and a container of baby wipes on the table and brace myself for what's to come.
After opening up Baby's diaper, I smell something that can only be described as Satan's moldy armpit. My vision fades. My ears ring. I pass out.
I would remain unconscious until my sister returns home, but Baby's ungodly crying eventually stirs me. I come to, staring at the ceiling. My head is pounding, and some terrible smell is having non-consensual sex with my nostrils. I sit up and look at the couch. Baby is lying there, his face beet red from yelling. I wedge two tissues firmly up my nose and get down to business.
After ten minutes of wiping, cleaning, and crying, Baby's butt is sparkly clean. A pile of baby wipes two feet tall is sticking out of the garbage can, but that's a small price to pay. I put a new diaper on Baby and breath a sigh of relief.
To my dismay, a few seconds later, Baby is still crying. A tear materializes from his eye and falls down his face, catching slightly on his fourth and final chin before falling to the ground. The sound of my breaking heart is audible to the neighbors.
I spend the next two minutes frantically scrambling around the house, trying to find anything to soothe the beast. Finally, I realize he hasn't eaten since I started watching him. I run into the kitchen, take a container of breast milk from the fridge, and throw it in the microwave. While it's warming, I prep a bottle, putting a liner inside and a n****e on top. When the microwave goes off, I pour the milk into the bottle and check the temperature by putting a few drops on my wrist.
I pause. This is perhaps the strangest thing I've ever done I think to myself. I took a refrigerated bottle of milk from my sister's breasts, microwaved it, and am now squirting it on my arm. All the while, I'm holding a screaming infant who mere hours ago flipped me the bird.
Shrugging, I head into the living room and sit on the couch, propping up Baby in my arms. The moment the bottle enters his gaping maw, he stops crying. I thank whatever gods may be listening and watch Baby as he guzzles down milk with the speed of a famished blue whale. He starts squirming, shifting his tiny body around on my lap. After a few moments, he apparently finds a comfortable spot. His head is facing my knees, and his feet are mere inches from my gut. I think nothing of it.
No more than a couple minutes pass before Baby starts kicking. And by kicking, I don't mean idle leg movements. Oh no. I mean proper kicking. Moving at the speed of sound, Baby kicks the ever-living s**t out of my stomach. Each time one of his feet connects with my body, it's like a wrecking ball hitting me. Baby smiles after a little bit.
I stand up and let Baby's legs fall so they're vertical to the ground. I lock eyes with him. A few seconds pass. "Are you done?" I ask him.
"Goo."
"Alright then," I say, starting to sit again. He swings his hips and kicks me in the chin.

It takes me twenty minutes to finally calm him down. My forearm is parallel with the ground, and he's sitting against my biceps. I walk around the house, rocking slightly. He's no longer kicking, but every once in a while he swings his tiny hands, scratching my arms and leaving little reds marks on my skin. Before long, I have a crude tattoo of Mona Lisa on the underside of my wrist. But even the scratching stops after a few minutes. Craning my neck, I see that Baby is asleep. Moving like a ninja, I creep over to the couch and ease myself down. I turn him around so that he's resting against my chest.
I hear the front door open and close. Oh, thank god! Moments later, my sister walks into the room. She smiles when she sees Baby sound asleep.
How was he? she mouths.
I give her a thumbs up.

© 2017 Jacob Clifford


Author's Note

Jacob Clifford
True story! Mostly... I embellished quite a bit, but this story is based on an event that happened about two months ago. The thumbnail/picture/whatever (top left) of this story is a picture of me holding my nephew, from a few weeks ago. I would love to know what you think about the story. Feel free to leave a review or comment.

Awarded second: http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/So-You-Think-You-Can-Funny/53724/

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Now this is a very funny story and oh so familiar to me!

Only those who have endured such lovable torture at the hands of an infant could truly understand the difficulty it takes to look after a baby. Even for an afternoon!

As always, you have written a very clearly defined and descriptive story, completely grounded in realities that are only too true. And there is absolutely no greater stench known to man than that which comes from a newborn baby's nappy! How an infant can produce such a terrorizing stench from a diet of purely breast milk, is one of life's greatest mysteries.

Loved the descriptive language and the very funny moments you described throughout the story. Is there any greater insult than being flipped the bird by a baby? I doubt it!

A very endearing and humourous story, Clifford. I enjoyed it very much. Keep the writing coming!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

7 Years Ago

Thank you for such a flattering review, Doodley! Looking after Baby certainly isn't a walk in the pa.. read more



Reviews

Such a funny story! It's awesome how you can turn such a mortifying experience into a story. I was smiling and laughing from start to end. I think my favorite part was when baby was looking down at you and smiling and drooling. You did a really good job of keeping the story moving while showing everything that was happening.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

7 Years Ago

Thanks, Hannah! It's important to be able to laugh at our pain. That part of the story may be my fav.. read more
This is a story that many people can relate to. And recall memories from long gone days.
Thank you for a such a piece. :)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

7 Years Ago

Thank you very much for reading, Fahmida.
I really enjoyed this story, mostly becuz it's wildly imaginative & creative, but also becuz I'm a little bit aware of your journey of becoming an uncle & hoping to one day become a daddy. I love the way you take an everyday situation & embellish it to the point of being hilarious & yet true-to-life. I love the way you convey your immense love & caring for this little monster, but you mostly describe him as a pain in the a*s (which is true-to-life again). Most of all, I love that you do not get all cliché & gushy about the baby-ness of a baby, which has been written about to the point of boredom for me! *smile* The best part is when you let us know he's squeezing out a gooshy diaper for you, without ever saying that.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

7 Years Ago

I'm glad you enjoyed this wild retelling of one of my first endeavors as an uncle (lord knows I didn.. read more
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Gee
Brought a big smile to my chops, lovely bit of writing Clifford, lovely

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

7 Years Ago

Thank you, Gee. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
This was awesome! I love all of your hilarious descriptions that really bring out the experiences one encounters when caring for an infant. And being the father of a 17 month-old, I can relate completely. Haha. Well done!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

7 Years Ago

Thank, MC! I'm glad I accurately captured the difficultly and horror of the situation.
How was he? she mouths.
I give her a thumbs up.

This was awesome...Lesson learnt...Now, I will never babysit anyone's baby...like ever...:D
Just kiddin...I enjoyed the story.It was very well written.
Thank You for sharing :)!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

7 Years Ago

Haha, thanks for reading, zaisham. In all reality, I made babysitting seem much worse than it really.. read more
zaisham9393

7 Years Ago

Yeah, I know what you mean :D and you are very welcome :)!
[send message][befriend] Subscribe
.
Now this is a very funny story and oh so familiar to me!

Only those who have endured such lovable torture at the hands of an infant could truly understand the difficulty it takes to look after a baby. Even for an afternoon!

As always, you have written a very clearly defined and descriptive story, completely grounded in realities that are only too true. And there is absolutely no greater stench known to man than that which comes from a newborn baby's nappy! How an infant can produce such a terrorizing stench from a diet of purely breast milk, is one of life's greatest mysteries.

Loved the descriptive language and the very funny moments you described throughout the story. Is there any greater insult than being flipped the bird by a baby? I doubt it!

A very endearing and humourous story, Clifford. I enjoyed it very much. Keep the writing coming!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

7 Years Ago

Thank you for such a flattering review, Doodley! Looking after Baby certainly isn't a walk in the pa.. read more
Hahaha....This Baby did made my day....
I couldn't stop myself from laughing while reading this story.
Change of diapers, to me, is the most funny part...
When he will be young and read this...He will ask you what the f**k was that... :)
The way you have explained his movements, his gesticulations and your reactions is very admiring. Keep us updated with your experiences with little fellow..
Regards
Usman


This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

7 Years Ago

Thank you for a humorous review, Usman! I'm thrilled you got so much enjoyment from this story. I th.. read more
Haha, what a real handful Baby is! No better title to befit an adventure of an afternoon. You've written with such vividness of what unfolded, his expressions, his gesticulations and your frantic ways of grappling with a youngling that it is all very charming. I am sure this can be turned into a series of writings as you both grow into each other.

Wonderful writing Clifford. Enjoyed it very much.

Best, M.

P.S. I do hope for the sake of both of you, you've gotten better at baby-sitting. :)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

7 Years Ago

"Handful" is putting it lightly... But no. Really, Baby is wonderful. This one the first and only ti.. read more
Perils of a new uncle. First off congrats on the new inspiration - I mean nephew.
I love this story. Very relatable. I suspect the truest parts are my favourite. The chin count. Drooling. But the best.... Sister's breast milk 😂.
Some unique word usage, which is enjoyable. Diabetic snail. Ninja. I might increase these. Because I believe they fit so well
The explanation of Baby as name is too lengthy I think. Maybe 'hereafter simply Baby' or something similar.. Or don't explain.
Also the line about passing out doesn't feel as dynamic as the rest of it.
Well written, with plenty of humour...

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 7 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Jacob Clifford

7 Years Ago

I'm glad you found some humor in this story. While I was reading your review, I opened another tab a.. read more

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1266 Views
20 Reviews
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Added on August 27, 2016
Last Updated on August 14, 2017
Tags: Baby, babysitting, true terror, diapers

Author

Jacob Clifford
Jacob Clifford

MN



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Thank you, my Cafe family, for all that you have done for me. This has been a wonderful period of my life. If any of you ever want to reach me, feel free to send me an email at [email protected]... more..

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