Disarray

Max: Hey. How are you?

 

Jessica: Not bad. Just heading out actually.

 

Max: See you later.

 

Jessica: I doubt it. I have no intention of living with you anymore.

 

Max: How come?

 

Jessica: You’re boring me to death.

 

Max: Don’t be silly. You just need to develop a longer attention span.

 

Jessica: No. I don’t think so. We never  talk or do anything. You wake up late then go out for the entire day, doing who knows what. Then you walk in here late at night and want me to perform for you, after I’ve worked hard all day long.

 

Max: Ok, Jess. You’re bored. I’m sorry I’m so boring. I’m sorry I don’t have sex with you when you want to have sex. Boo-Hoo. Get over it.

 

Jessica: Do you listen to yourself at all, or do you really believe that you’re Go….

 

Max: Oh, Jessica, you’re adorable. You really are. I want you to hold me. Pick me up and hold me. Never let me go. Let’s kiss and love for the rest of our lives. And never give up.

 

Jessica: You’re trying to evade the subject. Trying to deflect my attention.

 

Max: Exactly. You catch on very quickly, my dear. I want to be with you for a long time to come. I never want to be apart from you. I rely on you too much for everything. I even think I’m in love with you sometimes. Anyway, you and I have our friend Miranda paying us a visit tonight. I know we both hate her, but let’s pretend to care about her tonight because she has just moved in with her parents after her fifth divorce.

 

Jessica: Max. Ok. But after Miranda’s gone, I’m gone. You and I can’t be together anymore.

 

Max: Oh, Jessie, Jessie, Jessie….. Little Jessie….. Don’t be such a silly. You love me. I love you. Sure, we also loathe and annoy each other, but no one else wants to be with us…. So…….

 

Jessica: That’s not true. I am now dating Simon.

 

Max: Simon Dryden?

 

Jessica: Yes. We have lunch twice a week.

 

Max: I did not see that coming. Very cool. Where do you two eat?

 

Jessica: It’s a secret.

 

Max: Oh. Right. Well, I won’t tell anyone.

 

Jessica: I know you won’t, but I want all of it to be a secret.

 

Max: I respect that. I’ll find out though. By the way, I am also seeing Simon. Twice a week for dinner.

 

Jessica: You’re lying.

 

Max: I never lie, you adorable girl.

 

Jessica: That’s true.

 

Max: So, we’re both with Simon. He’s a nice guy.

 

Jessica: What else do you two do?

 

Max: We just eat. Or that’s all that is your concern.

 

Jessica: Do you mean?

 

Max: It’s possible, of course.

 

Jessica: Ok. Well. What can be done?

 

Max: Don’t worry. I’ll break up with him soon.

 

Jessica: Oh. Good. When is Miranda coming?

 

Max: I think I just heard the doorbell.

 

Miranda: Hi, guys! Brian will be right in.

 

Max: Oh, Miranda, we hate Brian. Tell him he can come back when we’re all dead.

 

Miranda: I know. I hate him too. But he wanted to come, and he’s so unhappy, and he loves you guys so I had to let him come. Anyway, he’s the only son I have left. The other ones all dropped off like flies.

 

Max: Yeah. I remember. We didn’t care for them much either. Well, okay, we’ll put up with Brian as long as he speaks as little as possible.

 

Miranda: He’ll say a lot.

 

Max: No he won’t or I’ll rip his guts out.

 

Miranda: If he dies, so be it.

 

Jessica: Is Simon coming?

 

Max: I’ll call him.

 

Jessica: Do that. Please.

 

Brian: Hi, guys!

 

Max: Brian! Stop talking! My God, you don’t understand how exhausting it is to hear you say anything at all. You are the dumbest person I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Why don’t you climb up on the roof and take a leap at the moon?

 

Brian: My Mom always said you would have been a great comedian.

 

Jessica: Max is the least humorous person I have ever known.

 

Brian: Looking good, Jess. We should go out for lunch soon.

 

Miranda: No flirting with w****s, Brian.

 

Jessica: Yes, please. I have to live with Max. That’s enough.

 

Max: Simon can’t make it. He was killed tonight.

 

Jessica: What will we do for lunches and dinners?

 

Max: We’ll meet other people, I’m sure. Let’s eat.

 

Jessica: Oh. I forgot. We don’t have any food.

 

Max: Dear God, Jessica! Fine. I’m not hungry anymore. Let’s talk. Does anyone want to talk?

 

Brian: I want to die.

 

Miranda: If that’s what you want, dear.

 

Brian: I’ll live though.

 

Jessica: No. Death would suit you much better.

 

Brian: Will you die with me, Jess?

 

Jessica: No.

 

Brian: Why not?

 

Jessica: You’re too wormy for me.

 

Miranda: Ok. Let’s stop all this noise.

 

Max: Yes. Let’s move on. We need to do something. I’ll tell you all a story. When I was a little kid I was ugly. Some things never change. My Father came home and told me we were moving to Kansas so he could make it as a jazz singer although he had never heard any jazz music before in his life. We moved out there and became penniless. One night we were outside, freezing, when I heard the voice of God. He told me to stay in school and to possess as little conventionality as I could. I listened and I have been perfectly content since.

 

Miranda: We all hate you.

 

Max: Doesn’t matter. I’m fine and I always will be. But, that’s all past now, isn’t it? I would like to discuss the future a little bit. I was reading a new author earlier today. His name is Simon. I know many Simons, obviously. You see, Miranda and the soon-to-be deceased Brian, Jessica and I have both been having an affair with a recently dead man named Simon Dryden. Don’t worry we were both screwing him while he was still alive. We’re not into necrophilia…. Well, yet anyway. But, that’s not what I was talking about, was it? Of course I wasn’t. The man who wrote this book which was entitled The Last Year, his name was Simon Peterson. All he had to say in the 755 pages was that life was a joke, dreamed up by a caterpillar that was suffering from bipolar disorder. Now I never thought caterpillars were all that funny until Mr. Peterson made it that abundantly clear to me. This caterpillar wanted to see people angry, sad and embittered, and he even thought he’d throw a little happiness and supposed “Love” in every once in a while. True, the caterpillar is a no-good son of a b***h, but he’s a funny, no-good son of a b***h. Well, I’m exhausted. Now, Miranda, I don’t find you pretty or cultivated or anything of any positive merit, but right now I am empty enough to want to bang you. Come along with me.

 

Miranda: Hmm. Bang away, eh? Let’s wait a little bit. But if it’s okay with Jessie I would love to lay with you all through the night.

 

Max: Only for thirty minutes or so. We will not be sleeping with each other.

 

Jessie: You can sleep with her. I’m sure as Hell not going to sleep with you.

 

Brian: May you and I sleep together then, Jessie?

 

Jessie: Well if I were certain to die after the experience, yes. But I will be punished for sleeping with you by being granted immortality. I always get screwed royally in the end.

 

Brian: I want to screw you royally.

 

Max: Brian, if you weren’t so worthless and unimportant, I’d kill you right here on the spot. But you mean nothing to anyone.

 

Brian: How about if you and I sleep together, Max?

 

Max: No. But I need someone other than Miranda to sleep with tonight. I need everyone’s attention and praise as long as they are not yours, Brian.

 

Brian: Why does everyone hate me?

 

Miranda: Well, you weren’t supposed to be born. That might be one reason.

 

Brian: I was a mistake?! Who was my Father anyway?

 

Miranda: I hated you so much that I never bothered to find out. That’s what I do when I’m disappointed and crushed about something. So that’s why I’ve always ignored you and wished you death every day of your life.

 

Brian: Will anyone ever love me?

 

Max: Well, no, of course not. Don’t be silly.

 

Brian: But, why not?

 

Max: Because…. Come on, do I really need to explain it?

 

Brian: Yes. I want an explanation.

 

Max: You can’t handle the explanation! I’m sorry I couldn’t resist. Seriously, Brian, f**k off. Go kill yourself.

 

Miranda: I always hoped I could have an other kid.

 

Max: He would have been worse.

 

Miranda: Well, yes, but now we’ll never know.

 

Max: Jessie, give me a blowjob real quick.

 

Jessie: When is Simon’s funeral?

 

Max: He isn’t having one since we both made Simon up.

 

Jessie: I didn’t.

 

Max: You didn’t? But I did.

 

Jessie: You only think you made him up. You didn’t.

 

Max: I think you’re wrong.

 

Miranda: Who cares?

 

Max: True. You make an excellent point for once.

 

Miranda: I was surprised too.

 

Brian: So…. What’s the point?

 

Max: You’re still here, Brian?

 

Jessie: Max, I really must leave you.

 

Miranda: You’re leaving Max? That seems to be a waste of time, doesn’t it?

 

Jessie: I don’t know anymore but I need to do something where I never have to see him.

 

Max: I guess you can leave me. And be sure to blame everything on me, and play the victim.

 

Jessie: I will.

 

Max: Very good.

 

Miranda: Why aren’t you fighting for her? Where is the confrontation?

 

Max: I don’t want to fight for her or anyone. I don’t want to yell or scream or argue or be bothered to care. As you said moments ago, “Who cares?”

 

Brian: Why do you care if I’m alive or dead, then?

 

Max: Wow. That’s a fair enough question. Do whatever you want, Brian. From now on we will not acknowledge your existence.

 

Brian: I’m leaving! (He exits.)

 

Miranda: I think you two need to work something out. Neither one of you will find anyone new. You don’t want to be alone, with only the hum of the television late at night. Or in my case, the snores of an unlovable son since we live in a box.

 

Jessie: How long have you been homeless?

 

Miranda: Twenty years or so.

 

Max: Wow. We really haven’t cared.

 

Miranda: It’s okay. People who try to prove that they do care are liars. At least you scumbags are honest when it concerns those you think are worthless.

 

Max: Yeah. So, Jess, are you sure about leaving me?

 

Jessie: Yeah. I want to leave you and never see you again. But where the Hell am I going to go? What am I going to do? What would I have in store for me? I’ll never love or care about anyone so I’m best off staying here, living with a man I can’t stand because at some point in my life I thought it would be better to get used to misery than try something new that I might eventually get used to. So, Max, we’ll stay together.

 

Max: Cool. Will we sleep together tonight?

 

Jessie: After you and Miranda are done, sure.

 

Max: Is that okay with you, Miranda?

 

Miranda: Sure. It doesn’t matter in the least to me.

 

Jessie: Anything else you guys want to talk about?

 

Miranda: No. Let’s go f**k, Max.

 

Max: Not quite yet. Miranda, my dear, we have a surprise for you. We’re not Max and Jessie.

 

Miranda: That makes sense since I have never known a Max or a Jessie.

 

Max: Wow- You were desperate for some company.

 

Miranda: I certainly was.

 

Max: Very well. My name is Fragment. Her name is Conjunction. Funny, huh? No it isn’t so stop your repulsive cackling. Anyway, we would like to tell you that we have been spying on you and Brian for the last twenty years, and have decided that you both need to cease existing.

 

Miranda: Very well. How soon?

 

Max: We’ll call you.

 

Miranda: So we won’t be sleeping together tonight?

 

Max: Oh, no, I’ll sleep with anything. Let’s go.

 

Jessie: Have fun, kids.

 

(Max and Miranda exit.)

 

(Brian bursts in.)

 

Brian: Jessie! Get your a*s over here so I can f**k you!

 

Jessie: It was all a lie, kid.

 

Brian: Huh?

 

Jessie: Exactly.

 

(Curtain.)

Reviews

[ANTO]

I really hate that no ducks are being fed whatsoever in this one Clowndude, but i did find the ducky-wucks play hilarious lol

xDD