A Lily In Rain

unmetered rhyming piece with a simple rhyme scheme

There's a lily on the ground

that shines when it rains.

There's a blossoming rose

in a heart full of pains;

and believe it or not,

in times most vile,

there's a way for your tears

to gleam in a smile!

Author's Note

Please give honest feedback. Constructive criticism is welcomed.

Reviews

[Vria P Crow]

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

I was attracted to the lily image which is often a symbol of purity.

CONTENT AND FORMAT

The lily symbolizes the speaker's heart; it is fragile and innocent. Nearby, a rose is compared to the lily. In contrast, the rose is filled with scorn, pain, and sadness. Color symbolism is prominent throughout. White equates to purity while red is associated with passion and anger. These are two sides of the same heart; a yin yang. The speaker concludes with a sense of hope and longing. It is refreshing to see a young man pick himself up after harrowing experience. Maturity reflects who the poet is as a person.

SUGGESTIONS AND OBSERVATIONS

The format is simple yet effective with the rhyme scheme. However, I think the image of a rose is overused to depict love so I am unsure if I like this image or not. It is often used in sappy romantic poetry and prose. There is vague clues as to where the pain is coming from.

Is the rose full of pain because of heartbreak, loss of a loved one, or something else?

I suggest either selecting a different image or give more clues as to where this pain is originating. It will add to the poem, in my opinion.

This is more so an observation and me nitpicking since I try to avoid generalizations or cliches. Please dismiss this critique if you want to keep it the same.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

Overall, I enjoyed this read. You are a talented and intelligent writer. I have read in your autobiography that you are 15 years old, and it is refreshing to see that you are an avid reader. This shows in your writing through wisdom and maturity. Thank you for sharing! I hope my suggestions help.

sincerely,
ria

[William Liston]

Your review was definitely helpful, Ria, and I liked how it addressed a concern I mentioned in the author's note.

As far as your "suggestions and observations" are concerned, I think I must clarify something: the rose itself isn't in pain, but the heart is.

In this poem, the lily and the rose both represent beauty and happiness. Their symbolic meanings don't contrast -- they instead mimic one another. Just as the lily "shines when it rains," the rose blossoms in a pain-stricken heart; both images show how there's always beauty, even in the worst situations. The rain and "heart full of pain" represent hardship, while the lily and the rose represent the beauty behind that hardship -- the "silver lining" in other words. Sante's review described what I was going for.

With that being said, I may have to change the second stanza to make the meaning clearer . . . I can see how a rose may sound too cliche.

If you're interested, I have a blog entry about how I edited this piece: http://www.writerscafe.org/ColemanListon/blogs/A-Lily-In-Rain-%28Drafts%29/123969/

[Vria P Crow]

I read the rose as a symbol of the heart. Thank you for the clarification. :) Readers will have their own interpretation, but it is nice to see this from the writer's perspective. You wrote it after all.

I will be sure to check that out and add it to my reading list.

In addition, I will be checking out more of your work. Thank you by the way for your wonderful review earlier.

[William Liston]

No problem

[Black Jess]

Master-piece ! I love the last part .

[William Liston]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed.

[brian]

WILLIAM. THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. SO SIMPLE, YET PACKED WITH SO MUCH BEAUTY AND WONDER. I REALLY, REALLY ENJOYED READING THIS..A LOT. I ALWAYS LIKE WHEN NATURE IS WEAVED WITH EMOTION AND FEELING--TO ME--THE TWO BELONG TOGETHER. IT REMINDS ME OF MY WRITING: I LIKE TO USE A LOT OF SYMBOLISM..WITH NATURE, REFLECTED OFF OUR FEELINGS..THAT ALWAYS LEADS TO HOPE. VERY NICE! (=

[William Liston]

Thank you for such an insightful review, Brian. I also enjoy reading poems that use nature-related imagery ... it adds something special to a piece that I can't explain.

I'm glad you enjoyed.

[Levi Levin]

I like it William. Your a very talented young writer!

[William Liston]

Thank you.

[Dave Ellis]

Very nice!!
Love the imagery in the beginning, and the little contrast/turn at the end.
Great work! :)

[William Liston]

Thank you for your compliments. I'm glad you enjoyed.

[Asante]

I find the meaning behind this to be pretty clear. This poem projects the mentality of there always being a silver lining in spite of hardship, no matter the version of it. As an inspiration poem, it serves its purpose as being simple and accessible enough for anyone to follow, concise enough to linger perhaps long after its been read, and to do what it set out to do-- inspire.

A fine little write, brother. Good work, William.

[William Liston]

I'm glad you enjoyed. Thank you for leaving such an in-depth review. I'm glad the message came across.

[Relic]

that's blossoms in pain, ? Should it be "that blossoms in pain?

[William Liston]

Yes. It should.

[Lord of mad men]

Wow very great job you did a wonderful job on this. Thank you for sharing

[William Liston]

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed.

[Pushkar Prabhat]

WoW!!!!
so subtle......effortless......and beautiful........
i am sure that the inspiration transcends.........the actual meaning though.......i am not sure......all i could come up with is eyes and blood..........
this is perfect according to me.......i know very little to tell you about how you could change this......

great job!!!!
i loved it!!!
:)

[William Liston]

I'm glad you enjoyed.