Pain and a Pen

rhyming piece; similar to a kyrielle and ballade with internal rhyme

A poet heeds his aching needs;

if not, his heart would grow a hole.

His sorrow bleeds ... his spirit leads.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

When pains emerge and lightnings surge

in violent storms he can't control,

there comes an urge to delve and purge.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

He spills each word so cries unheard

can leak their blood upon a page.

His soul is stirred ― a fiery bird

ascends its wings beyond pain's cage.

It's not mere ash from flaming rage,

but diamonds squeezed from blackest coal

that gleam their brilliance on a stage.

A poet's pen must bear his soul.

Author's Note

Please leave an honest review. Constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged. I would like to know if the repetition of masculine pronouns (although this piece is meant for both male and female poets) was distracting. I would also like to know if the lack of internal rhyme in the last four lines off-set the flow and/or readability in any way.

Special thanks to mattavelli for helping me edit this piece.

Reviews

[mattavelli]

Hello, William! :)
Eight syllable lines and a fun rhyme, I love it!
It looks like it was fun to write.
Your refrain hits like a hammer.
Suggestions:
In line two, replace "have" with something more pointed, like "grow".
While your thoughts are clear, your phrasing could use some tweaking where sections two and three meet.

[William Liston]

Hello Matt :)

I'd like to thank you for your constructive review. I really enjoyed reading your words of praise as well as the suggestions you pointed out.

Concerning your first critique: Thank you so much. I've been looking for another word to replace "have" but couldn't find one. I had "bear" at first but changed it because I thought it sounded repetitive (the refrain uses the word "bear.")

Concerning your second critique, how about this: He spills each word so cries unheard

Another thing I must note: You poem "Fearlessly" actually inspired me to write this. I enjoyed how in that poem, virtually every line was a poignant image and/or a metaphor, so I tried to incorporate the same style in this piece.

Feel free to make more suggestions.

[KTizzle]

This line seemed a little forced to fit into internal rhyme, "His lines are seeds ... his spirit leads." It sticks out in the stanza because I felt like the rest of the poem had stanzas that really melded together. They formed a picture of sorts. "seeds" make me think of growth, plants, require of nourishment and I felt like the following line didn't really help it or meld with it. For example in the second stanza I got the a really dark, but Gothic like scene and the other stanza I got a fiery bird. Then there's the first stanza which introduces it... perhaps instead of the word "bear" use "nourish." I felt the same way about this line, "that through each word a cry unheard/can spill its blood upon a page." I felt "can spill its blood upon a page" irrelevant and making the stanza dissonant.

Otherwise, I do not mind the pronouns. I liked the rest of the flow. As I said I loved the pictures I got in my head and the image you used.

An ideal poet must proclaim his truth. I think that is the duty of every writer, to convey some essence of truth whether that is the need to get release from this world or really prove a point. Your poem makes me think of Schopenhauer and how he viewed art's role in society.

I thought you did a great job in describing the Ideal Poet.

Thanks for sharing! Have a great day!

[William Liston]

Thank you for your in-depth review, Jazz. I appreciate you being honest and sharing both what you liked and disliked about this poem.

Regarding your first critique, what do you think about this: His sorrow bleeds ... his spirit leads.

[KTizzle]

I like that a whole lot better. Blood makes me think of sacrifice and a poet does sacrifice his time and expression of pain in his work.

[Sira YR]

What i got from this poem is that a poet's pen must express what the poet feels in their soul and in their heart. I liked the way you eloquently worded and connected the thoughts in your poem. All in all good job :)

P.S (Sorry i am just now reading this. I've just been busy with school and work.)

[William Liston]

There's no need to apologize. I loved your review. I appreciate your kind words.

[Sira YR]

I'm glad you posted this. This is one of my favorite poems :).

[Lorry]

You have captured perfectly the feeling within us all, of what is left on the page being more than mere ink, it is a culmination of thoughts, feelings and emotions, battling within us for supremacy, leading to the pain and confusion we bleed into our words, knowing it must be so, while hoping that when the pen has completed it's task, maybe we will understand a little more of life, living and writing. Brilliant job here William.

[William Liston]

Thank you, Nemo. Your review is a poem in itself : )

[Quinn W]

I think the last four lines were a little off-setting but they still work and have a great impact on the poem. I would keep them. I also don't think using masculine pronouns was distracting either. I honestly didn't even think about it. But, who knows, some feminazi might show up and prove me wrong and get mad at me for not defending my gender. Blah. I though the poem was amazing and the rhyming is awesome.

[William Liston]

I'm glad you enjoyed. Thanks, too, for giving an opinion on the last four lines. I appreciate your feedback.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

"A poet's pen must bear his soul."
Truth in this line.. This is a superb piece describing what poets go through to unburden their minds.. I enjoyed reading this..Good work!

[William Liston]

I'm glad you enjoyed. Thank you so much.

[Dr. YumnaKay]

You are welcome 😊

[Addict With a Pen]

Wow. This is absolutely amazing! I can't tell you how much I love the line "a poet's pen must bear his soul". I didn't pay much attention to the masculine pronouns until I re-read it. I would say it's fine. I can see that as the author, you've read it plenty of times, but I think that would be the only way they can become repetitive and seem distracting.
I love how you represented a poet's ambitious and passionate soul as a fiery bird. It becomes this clear image of a bird breaking free of it's cage inside of a poet, as their heart starts beating and they're suddenly open to an idea.
Great write William, most definitely one of my favorites.

[William Liston]

I'm glad you enjoyed the imagery. Thanks too for your input on my use of masculine pronouns. I appreciated it.

[richieb]

William,
I must be honest with you, I understand little of nothing of the technical laws that govern formal poetry. Those that do I respect and applaud.
For me you described the raw passion that drives the writer to bear his soul. I know I am rough around the edges and that gives my writing a loose street effect if you may.
You are talented and understand the mechanics of poetry. Your skills are on display in everything you write. But not all writing is for a grade. If your heart and soul touches another then the deed is done.
I love to read your work. You are alright in my book.
Blessings.
Richie b.

[William Liston]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you liked the message ... it means a lot to me.

[Diamond]

Simply superb..I love it so much I can't tell you my little brother....Loads of love your way for this beautiful writing.

[William Liston]

Thank you so much, Queen ... it truly means a lot to me.