I Fall and Cry

I Fall and Cry

A Poem by William Liston
"

a major re-write of a year-old piece

"

While reading through some of my older works the other day, I decided to rewrite this piece entitled "I Fall and Cry" (formerly titled "And So I Cry"). This was one of the first poems I posted on WC over a year ago. The version right below is the rewritten version; the version below that is the original, written in either the spring or summer of 2016. Please share which you enjoyed more. Thanks for reading!  


Each morning holds its tearful streams, 

each night, a noxious pain 

that haunts my mind within its dreams 

it pours its bitter rain. 

Entrapped within a hardened cage 

with wings too bruised to fly, 

my chapter's but a weeping page; 

therefore, I fall and cry. 

 

My joy is but a falling star, 

a transient delight 

that beams to life its pearly bar 

within the silent night; 

but darkness nears again to breathe 

its ever-lasting sigh. 

Again, my broken life must seethe ... 

therefore, I fall and cry. 

 

Today, I wake to see your face

you weave me in your spell. 

Your smile, it drips with honeyed grace, 

uplifting me from hell. 

You twirl my heart within your touch 

until it spins in bliss; 

then, hold me tight within your clutch 

to feel your warming kiss. 

 

While all the world's a clam'rous noise, 

you hum with notes serene 

that let the seeds of Earth rejoice 

within their vibrant scene. 

Your heartbeat lifts each wounded wing 

until they meet the sky. 

For you, my inner bird must sing; 

therefore, My Dear, I cry. 


---------------------------------


Another tear, another day. 

Another time of my dismay. 

Stuck in this cage. 

Why can't I fly? 

No hope at all, 

and so I cry. 

 

Another tear that haunts me so. 

Another smile that sadly must go. 

Why must joy inevitably flee 

flee to a place I cannot be? 

Despite desire of feeling bliss, 

there's pain and waning happiness 

that smother light. These clouded days 

sadly seem to serve as my fate. 

And through it all, 

I slowly die 

and feel my failure, 

and so I cry 

 

Another time, I see your face 

the brightening glow of your compassion and grace, 

the comforting warmth of your embrace 

and oh, the smiles they always make. 

Amid my tears, this feeling weak, 

I feel your hand upon my cheek. 

Your voice then speaks, "I love you dear." 

And suddenly, I let go of my fears. 

 

It's beautiful how your soft touch, 

your delicate eyes and words of wise, 

your tenuous ways and cathartic hugs 

always give me so much love. 

And this gift of yours  

you've shared with me 

through many solemn times. 

I feel so loved when staring at you, 

and so, my dear, I cry. 

© 2017 William Liston


Author's Note

William Liston
Please leave an honest review. Constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged.

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Featured Review

wooaw ! I really love both of the versions ! it's hard to say which one is better , But It's obvious that the second part is more mature , it's like you used few words to express a lot of emotions while in the 1st you expressed all your emotions freely . Well done in Both !

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

William Liston

3 Years Ago

Thank you for your kind words, Jess : )
Much appreciated!
Black Jess

3 Years Ago

For nothing Will



Reviews

I think there does seem a maturity in your write when I compare from then and now. While you more emphasized on the rhyming in the earlier version, the rewritten version comes off as more thoughtful in the sense of metaphor usage plus the flow in it is more unforced (but that is how I feel)
The change in repetition is again a good one and I like it better in the rewritten version.

I enjoyed the imagery in your piece. You did a good job in rewriting it, William :)

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

William Liston

3 Years Ago

Thanks for pointing out that typo, Yumna.
Thank you too for your kind words and analysis of b.. read more
Dr. YumnaKay

3 Years Ago

You're welcome. Always a pleasure reading your writes 😊
I like them both but I LOVE the rewritten version! It flows much better and I think the imagery and loveliness of the kiss really shines through in it. I felt much more emotion reading the rewritten version.

I think too many people are too afraid to revise and rewrite their old poems. I have been guilty of that before. But I think it shows a way of growing and learning.

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

William Liston

3 Years Ago

Thank you for your kind words, Quinn; and yes, I agree with the second paragraph of your review too... read more
I guess it proves that its difficult finding true happiness in this life. I like that you followed through with the topic and stuck with the different actions that you made when you mention "fall and cry". I felt that it was appropriate with whatever picture you wanted the reader to get. Gee...I guess crying is no joke.

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

William Liston

3 Years Ago

Thank you for your analysis, Rochelle.
I'm glad you enjoyed.
Indeed the rewritten version reads so much better. Better musicality and better expression. You can definitely find a third person monosyllabic synonym of rise for the syncope of "again" in Stanza 2, being the only one of its kind seems a little weird, even more when you write "again" two lines later. Also, since the refrain now has been changed to "i fall and cry" the last line should also contain "i fall". "My dear" is a keeper, there I would suggest you switch out the "therefore" since it's not necessarily key to the refrain, and easily the "therefore" can be implied by the "my dear" if such were to start the line, and thus your main refrain can live and breathe as it should. But all in all. The rewrite is magnificent. Well done!

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

William Liston

3 Years Ago

Thank you for your encouraging words and for your critiques.
The first version was written wh.. read more
emipoemi

3 Years Ago

The "my dear" sounds better in the last line, though....and ending it on the titular line (that also.. read more
Repitition of the line 'I fall and cry' is very good.
I enjoyed the flow and rhythm of this poem. This is very well written with heart touching emotions.

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

William Liston

3 Years Ago

I'm glad you enjoyed. The rhythm/meter of this piece (the first version) is one I rarely use for ver.. read more
Najam Us Saher

3 Years Ago

Yeah I did. You are most welcome :)
I think that they're both pretty good, but the first one is my favorite! :) I really like how you flow. Just like a very talented poet, which is ou seem to be :)

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

William Liston

3 Years Ago

Thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you found the first one more impressive than the secon.. read more

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978 Views
16 Reviews
Added on July 13, 2017
Last Updated on July 14, 2017
Tags: rhyme, rhythm, meter, cry

Author

William Liston
William Liston

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Get your own valid XHTML YouTube embed code I'm an amateur poet who's been writing for about three and a half years. Some of my influences include Edgar Alla.. more..

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