Another Lost One Part 1 - In the Void

Here starts Ralph's story and how he lives in the darkness.

Where am I?

It was dark, lonely, and quiet. As I spread my arms and legs at the smooth floor, I see the void of the sky.

Screeeeeeech. There was an ear-breaking sound. What was that? I looked around and darkness looked back in every direction.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. I could feel the thumping, it's subtle but I know something is hiding behind that darkness.

"Uh, hello. Do you know where we are?," I said.

Silence met my ears. I take a step forward. The dark feels like it's embracing my body. I keep looking can't see anything. I can't see anything but there's definitely something in that void. Maybe there's something in that darkness that I can get out of. As I squint my eyes, I take a step back.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Is that someone? He's barely different from this world. I tried to look for eyes, mouth, anything but this shade. How can I even see anything in the first place? I walk forward.

"Uh, hello. My name's Ralph. What's yours?" I asked.

All I got was his black-spaced head staring back at me.

CRUNCH.

The sound made me look around.

I immediately looked back at the person.

It was you.

Huh? Did he just speak? No, it must be in my mind. How long have I been here? I looked around this world. I looked at the black-spaced body of this person. Stared directly at his face. *Sigh* I sat beside him and looked afar at the darkness of this world. Maybe this person, this world isn't so bad after all. Maybe I could get used to this. At least it's somewhat better than my other life. My other life...

Get out.

I stared at him. *Sigh*

"You want me to get out, huh? If only I know how to do that," I said.

How did he even come here? Who are you, I thought as I stare at him. No matter, he seems good enough.

KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.

The sound rang the whole world. I put my hands at my ears and stumped down.

KNOCK. KNOCK.

Light quickly rushed through everything. The next thing I know, everything was full of white light. Alone again. It was a short time though because the next thing I know I'm at some room. My room. I look around my bed and see my phone. I stare at the black screen for an egregiously long time, then I dropped it at my face.

KNOCK. KNOCK.

So, that sound's what woke me up. I walked straight to my computer and admire a background of warriors and heroes fighting giant monsters. I put on my headset. As the computer loads itself up, I laid back and close my eyes. 

Then, the darkness was replaced by a green world. The blue sky was filled with flames and flying snakes encircling each other. I look at my hand to see a sword at hand. I was packed with armor. It was made of heavy metal sheets and thick leather plates.

BONG

I look afar to see people gathering at a plateau, where they seem to be smashing a metal disk. Some women are frantically pushing some children into a cave. A group of men covered in heavy armor with shields is pointing their swords at the flying creatures as their faces are flooded.

ROAR

My gaze was stolen by the incoming creatures flying straight at me. As the flames escaped out of their mouths, I blocked the stream with my sword. It glowed bright blue as I was surrounded by heat. It wasn't enough as the fire was too strong. It's starting to push me on the edge.

CLINK. CLANK.

My armor's starting to break off. I won't like how it feels like to fall off that mountain with broken armor. I tried to move forward and cut the flames down. I was only thrown off balance. I roll to the side, but only end up dropping my sword.

"AAAHHHHH!"

I turn to see the people being burned. Their bodies are turning into dark smoke. Have I met them before? I jump to my feet and quickly run for the plateau.

"You should really focus on what you should be doing."

I turn back to see a small girl staring at me. She had her fists resting at her hips.

"What are you doing here!? Get out of here now!," I scream.

"There's no need to scream. I'm right next to you. What are you even doing?" The little girl exclaimed.

"I can't deal with you right now," I said.

I slid under a fireball flying past me and swiped my sword straight out of the ground. I ran in front of the girl to block another incoming fire stream. I felt a hard grasp on the back of my clothes and I was being dragged by the little girl. I look in front of me to see the creature breathe off another fire and then everything was washed with white.

"Come on. You're going down with me now. I've finished our breakfast now," The little girl said as she slowly transforms into a woman.

In one flash, the world became from a colorful and destroyed land to a boring and average home. The rocky steep cliff of the mountain transformed into native-style bamboo stairs. The lush forest full of flowers and trees from my side became a small garden with small saplings and potted plants. The thick grassy land became a brown carpeted floor. 

I dragged out the door without even finishing anything, how am I supposed to do anything in here?

As we enter a cave, we exit a sliding door and enter a big table with meals scattered all over. There was my father sitting at the very end of the table with his silver shining glasses and grey colored suit. My sister, who dragged me down here, sat at a seat next to me and picked a few pieces of chicken drumsticks.

I reached out to pick one for myself when a small light caught my eye. When I found where it was coming from, I see father staring at me.

He locked his attention at me, with that long lanky body and dark vibe. With all that he's done, he can still mesmerize people with those blu pupils. Even the ones he despises.

"No time for you to eat. You're almost late. I'll just give you a hundred. Come on, I'll drive you to school now." Father said as he picked up his bag and walked out the door. I and my sister looked at my father as he left the door. 

Author's Note

Please be as precise and specific as possible otherwise, anything goes. Thank you.

Reviews

[JayG]

As they say, "be careful what you wish for,” and you did ask… So you can only blame yourself. 😆

But since what I have to say isn’t related to how well you write, or talent, and is something you need to know…

The problem you face began on the day you began learning to write, and continued with every report and essay you were assigned. Over the years you became better and better at the nonfiction writing skills that employers want us to own. But…did even one teacher explain the role of the short-term scene-goal? How about where to place the inciting incident in reference to the story’s opening? Did anyone explain the elements of a scene on the page, and why they’re so different from film and stage? My point" If you don’t truly understand what a scene is, how can you write one?

Fiction-Writing is a profession, and like any other, its skills must be acquired IN ADDITION to the general skills we’re given in school. They’re no harder to master than the ones you already own, but they are very different in approach, and are necessary.

The reason you haven’t noticed a problem is that the story works perfectly, for you. You begin reading it with full context, and you have intent guiding you. But because you did have context as you wrote, you left out what seems obvious to you, but isn’t to the reader, and never notice it happening, because when you read, you automatically fill in the missing information.

To see how serious this is, look at a few lines, not as the all-knowing author, but as the reader, who has only what the words suggest to them.

• Where am I?

We don’t yet know where we are in time and space. We don’t know what’s going on, or anything meaningful. So someone unknown asking us where we are literally makes no sense. So...the line doesn’t make the reader wonder where they are. Remember,for the reader, the voice could be male or female, young or old, calm or angry. You know, so it works. The reader? Not so much. And remember, there can be no second First-impression.

• It was dark, lonely, and quiet.

“It?” What can that that word mean to someone who has no idea of what’s going on. At the moment, I’m alone in my apartment. And aside from my office it’s dark and quiet. Does that make it lonely? No. How can a place be lonely, other than in the viewpoint of someone who knows where they are AND their situation? So this unknown person thinks the place is lonely for unknown reasons? What can that mean to the reader? If we don’t know, saying it is lonely to someone unknown, for unstated reasons, is meaningless—but not to you, as you read, because you, uniquely, have context.

• As I spread my arms and legs at the smooth floor, I see the void of the sky.

Interesting. So spreading his/her arms and legs allows this person to see the sky? Is that what you meant? Probably not, but it is what you told the reader. And somehow, the texture of the flooring matters?

See how different what the reader gets is from what you intend? That’s why we must edit from the seat of the reader, and, know the tricks of making the reader get the meaning as they read. It’s why, instead of telling to the reader, we make that reader live the scene in real time, as the protagonist, instead of lecturing them.

As the narrator talks ABOUT the scene, the voice the reader “hears,” lacks all emotion but what punctuation suggests. And we don’t see that punctuation till the line is read. So the voice we "hear" must be dispassionate—which is why the narrator cannot tell the reader a story, or report a series of events. In fiction, as E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” But…how much time did your teachers spend on how to do that? None, right?

So in the end, that’s my point. I know you want to write as a hobby. But suppose you wanted to practice painting as a hobby. Would that absolve you of the necessity of learning brush technique? Of course not. And fiction is no different. Reading no more teaches us the skills of writing than eating makes a chef of us. Professional skills must be acquired. But given that you want to write fiction, learning them won't be a chore. It’s more like going backstage at the theater for the first time, and full of interesting—ahh, so THAT’S how they do it—discoveries. And the practice is writing better and better stories.

So…while I realize that this is not even close to what you were hoping for, it is what you need to know, and take into account. Given that, I thought you would want to know.

The easiest thing to do is dig into a few books on the tricks of the trade. You work when it’s convenient, progress at your own pace, and, there are no tests or pressure.

The library’s fiction-writing section can be a huge resource. But my personal suggestion is to begin with the best book I've found on the nuts-and-bolts of creating scenes that will sing to the reader: Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It’s an older book, and out of copyright, so archive sites will provide free downloads. One such is below this paragraph. The site doesn’t handle links, so copy/paste it to the URL window at the top of an internet page and hit Return, to read or download it.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

For an idea of the kind of thing you’ll see in that book, many of the articles in my WordPress writing blog are based on the teaching to be found in that book.

So dig in. And as you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[CorvinPr]

Very interesting.
First off, I'd like to thank you for your review.
It's my first ever story to ever finish. I was too occupied before. This also was a test for me to spot and learn the little details, so some of the content might be intentionally done.

I was really pushing the mystery part. I might've gone too early. I do remember there needs to be a somewhat relatable viewpoint very early on in the story.

I do have a good idea of how to change it to make it a little better. There's actually a scene perfect for what you might be talking about just after this part.

Funny enough, I don't have context on 60% of the story. I only know the main purpose and idea with the endpoints in mind. It was a way to force myself to release it without overthinking it for too long. I don't know if it turned out good for the output, but the story was also made to test out the small details and see if they work.

Actually, it was what I was hoping for. Never got a review on my writing before, but it was unusually fun reading your review. Reading it while I was understanding what you were saying was productive and fun!

Thank you for the resource. That'll be very helpful.

I checked your website and, this might not be the right place, but I like the fact that it's kind of a daily journal.

Thank you again for reviewing. It was more helpful than the two of us would have thought, unusually so.

[JayG]

• I do have a good idea of how to change it to make it a little better. There's actually a scene perfect for what you might be talking about just after this part.

Will that help if they’ve closed the cover before paragraph 3?

As I said, it’s not a matter of talent or how well you write. In this case, it’s as Mark Twain said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

Pretty much all of us come to fiction with not a clue that the writing skills we spent more than a decade perfecting are nonfiction skills that cannot be used for fiction. Before I paid for a critique, I’d written six many-times rejected novels. Like you, I was thinking cinematically, and focused on sight and hearing, describing that to a reader who didn’t have the images and sounds stored in their mind for the words to call up.

Look at your “sound-effects” as an example. You hit the reader with “Screeeeeeech.” But since we don’t know where and when we are, it could be an owl a foot away, a metal crusher in action, or a human being tortured. You know. Your character knows. Anyone in the area knows. But what about the one the story was written for? Without context…

And that’s my point. Because you have both context and intent driving your understanding, it makes perfect sense. The reader? Not so much. But once pointed out as a problem, you probably wondered why you never noticed something so obvious. And that leads to the question: How much more, just like that, is there? From experience, I can tell you that here’s a LOT. Halfway through the Swain book I suggested, after having slapped my forehead over and over for being so stupid at having missed a critical point, I nearly closed the cover, with the excuse, “I’ll get back to it later.”

Luckily, I had the sense to ignore that, and continued to turn to my writing, to correct the problems caused by that misunderstanding, so as to practice, and make the point mine. It had me certain I was an idiot for not having noticed, and it took weeks to get through Swain’s book that way. But by the end, I was a very different writer.

It took me a year, but the next novel I wrote, sold, as did two of the previous efforts, rewritten. And that Swain book has 323 5-star reviews on Amazon. And if it can do that for me, it can do it for anyone.

Chapter one is an overview. But by the end of chapter two, I’m betting that you’ll have whacked yourself on the forehead at least once, while saying, “How on the bloody hell did I miss that point?