Why Not Me?

while we're young we believe we can never go wrong and anticipate a similar adulthood. When we grow up we are forced to face the consequences of our past mistakes so we wish to be young again.

The saying “I knew looking back on tears would make me laugh but I never knew looking back at laughs would make me cry” isn’t quite true, well for me at least. It was during the summer of grade 3 I met her for the first time. Julia Anderson. She had brown hair cut just above her neck, and two dimples that always made me envious. That’s what I remember most because I didn’t see much of them in later years. Then there was Kiran Usmani. I met with her the same year but under different circumstances. She had just moved next door to us and my overly social mother just had to invite them for biryani. Anyway, she wasn’t as cute or tranquil as Julia, quite the opposite actually. Kiran was a lion; aggressive yet beautiful when under the sun. Her long jet black hair was always tied into two long braids, which, if I remember correctly, was so that it would stay out of the way during playtime. Skipping foreword the years we spent together, I’ll begin my story.

First day of the 2^nd semester of our first year in high school was one to remember. Kiran came to school wearing a headscarf. She seemed somewhat depressed at the new “fashion disaster” as she liked to call it. Infact, she went as far as to say she would rather go to hell then wear it. Personally I never really cared much for religion, but it was to be expected I guess because neither did my parents. Julia seemed very fascinated with the new cloth on top of our friend’s head. She asked questions that Kiran did not have the answers to. Thus began our second semester and eventually our turning point, but didn’t know that until much after.

Sophomore year came just the same but having adjusted to the school more, we suddenly felt much stronger. We were 2^nd years now - that meant the freshmen were beneath us on the food chain. I don’t know if it was the power or just the influence of the world, but Kiran changed…and not for the better either. One day while Julia and I were waiting in the cafeteria for her, she came rushing from no where with a flushed face. Red as an apple she told us the “great” news.

Alex Ruth had winked at her. Alex wasn’t the most popular boy in school but he wasn’t as low as the freshmen either, so him winking at her was “wonderful” at the time. I didn’t care. Well, I did and to be honest I was a bit envious. May God forgive me but I couldn’t help but think “but she wears a scarf, and I don’t; why not me?” Julia, on the other hand, didn’t buy it. She suggested the idea of him having dust in his eyes, or looked at someone behind her but Kiran wouldn’t have it. She was going to get him. I knew Kiran well and when she wanted something, she would most certainly get it.

As fate would have it, I was right. Kiran made moves and gestures straight from Hollywood and Bollywood movies. Sometimes it was enough to creep you out but Kiran didn’t care. I left her to her business just like I always had, it was safer that way, but Julia didn’t. She stopped her whenever she could and told her to stop it which only led to tension between the two. I was stuck in the middle. Apparently Julia’s actions had led Kiran to think that she had a rival. God knows where she got that idea from but teenage minds work in wondrous ways.

I mentioned I left Kiran to her ways because it was safer that way, and when she verbally attacked Julia she just proved my point. At this point, I was on Julia’s side but I didn’t want to let go of Kiran. It was true she was doing things that made you think words such as s**t or w***e but I didn’t want to think of my friend that way, not Kiran. Actually, I was waiting for the whole thing to blow over, I was waiting for Kiran to get over her obsession with Alex and go back to normal but it never did. Kiran just dug deeper and deeper in her search for gold while I stood at the top and watched my friend disappear. It was Julia who finally approached me in a straightforward manner.

“I was reading your book yesterday,” she announced. I didn’t know she was talking about the translation of the Quran I had brought for a World Religions assignment. “You read it? Why?” I asked. It was kind of weird knowing my Christian friend had read and understood what was written in a book I had just taken out of my shelf a few days ago. In short, she knew more than I did and that irked me.

“Yes, well I wanted to know if there was a different approach to Kiran’s problem, and I’ve found it.” She showed me a couple ayahs relating to modesty and the reasons women must cover themselves. All through out her explanation I was in a daze. Was this really happening? I was being taught my own religion, absurd! That’s what I think now but back then I was just stubborn. I refused to admit that she knew more and so to get back at her I took Kiran’s side for a while. Eventually my ego wore out and I too looked into the subject. The time that was supposed to be spent with my friends became a time I read about the history of women in Islam and, contrary to popular belief; even though they covered themselves and were modest they were highly respected in society. It fascinated me so much that I was nearly at the point where I was seriously considering wearing a headscarf.  Looking at it now, I guess Kiran was the reason I did start wearing it.

It was ironic because the day I finally resolved to adorn the compulsory cloth my friend had abandoned it. In the winter of our 3^rd year in high school Kiran’s scarf was gone, and in a way so were her cloths if you know what I mean. I didn’t even want to know how she got a hold of such articles of clothing. Like an unwrapped lollipop attracts flies, Kiran attracted oversized ones. I watched as the Kiran from grade 3 completely vanished into the hole she had been digging- assuming she had found her gold. Even so, I still did not do anything. I let all her actions slide and while she descended I ascended. All this time, Julia was of no significance. Finally it was our last year of high school and even though we were all still in one building, we couldn’t have been more apart. Julia had begun to hang out with some of the smarter people in class, Kiran had gone to the dark side. I had gone to the light. And while I egotistically thought I was better and more pious, it never occurred to me that I was making a grave mistake but looking the other way for Kiran. Just like all mistake, I didn’t realize it until after it happened.

It was a party. I didn’t go obviously, but Julia did and she told me afterwards what happened. It was Alex. He was to blame, or so I had thought. Throughout history women were seen as objects for pleasure, use and sale. Kiran had nearly failed history but I don’t think that was a reason for her actions.

When Julia brought her over to my house that night, I prayed extra nafls to thank God of my parents’ absence. My older brother was staying the night at a friends’ house. When the story was replayed to me I was in an utter state of despair.

Kiran had been sexually assaulted.

She was scared- no, terrified. She dreaded her parents’ finding out because inside she knew, it was all her fault. She had led Alex on and practically asked to be used. I didn’t say that to her but I felt very much frustrated. Here she was sitting in my room after months of avoidance and now she expected help. Julia thought otherwise. She assured Kiran that it was not all her fault, yes she made mistakes but it could have been worse. Her words struck me hard. Worse? If Julia hadn’t been there the situation could have been worse? I ignored the stringing feeling of guilt.

Our final year arrived with Kiran’s revival. She was mostly back to the way she was but had constantly refused to let her parents know of what had happened that night. Julia and I had respected that wish.

Before those days of trial I often felt that Kiran was closer to me than Julia but afterwards it was the other way around. Sure I began wearing a scarf full time in university and knew almost the entire Quran by heart but that didn’t gain me Kiran’s admiration and gratitude. No, Julia was the one who earned it. Julia, who neither wore a scarf nor had ever read the entire Quran once, forget memorized it. It makes you wonder who God was more pleased with.

I forgot to mention, the night Kiran and Julia had appeared at my house I had a dream. I was looking down into a deep, pitch black whole and was feeling scared yet relived that I wasn’t in it. Then as I was about to turn and leave a light appeared. The light came from a lantern held by none other than Julia. In one had she held the lantern to the light the way, and the other she held Kiran’s muddy hand. The dream went on to show Julia helping Kiran wash her hands and such but I now understand what that dream meant. Although I was so religious and devoted, by ignoring a fellow Muslim while she committed immodest actions was immodest of me. My arrogance led the way for me, while the Lantern of Light led Julia. To put it simply, I was just holding a lantern with not light to shine on others.           

  

END

Author's Note

A short story I wrote for the Muslim Interscholastic Tournament (MIST for short). Surprisingly I won 3rd place but a greater reward for me would be for others to be touched by it.