The Corner of My Cornea

From the collection of “Bodily Observations”

I don’t wear bags across my shoulders.

They are neatly sashed beneath my eyelids, 

Appearing slate gray where the shadows are tucked away.

Bashful black cats at my feet, 

A twitch, a talon, kisses my calves,

Frantic floaters writhe astride my eye and fly from sight.

It digs, it gouges my lens, crawling claws climb 

Out of my sable satchels to steal my upper eyelids.

It sounds deadly, but I need a bed badly.

Reviews

[Ken e Bujold]

Criator I like this poem. A few minor flaws keep me from absolutely loving it.
It's a modernist point of view, with plenty of images to let the reader slip and slide in numerous ways.
but
a grammar issue in the line "a twitch, a talon, kisses my calves" can be easily remedied. as a chain, following a Twitch, a Talon, should read kiss my calves, as in a Kiss. I'd also end the sentence there.
Joined as you have it "Frantic floaters" is too jagged a line. In addition, I am not certain what Frantic Floaters are a metaphor for. Which is made even less clear by the shift in numbers from many to one with it's, a singular pronoun. which u then switch back to more than one with claws, which could be alright if not for the mixed message of plurality introduced earlier.
Finally, you should consider a comma after satchels, if keeping the line as is, because either the act is crawling claws climb out of sable satchels, or crawling claws climb to steal my upper eyelids, in which case the comma should come after climb as well as after satchels.
don't be afraid to revise it's what separates the almost good from the great

ken e

[Lisasview]

Hi Ken,
Just thought I would comment on your wonderful comment to Criator
I think it is wonderful that you gave your time and thoughts to this poem and I read each and every word... your comments actually helped me with my own writing...so thank you,
Lisa, now in Spain

[Ken e Bujold]

thank you Lisa. I was schooled by some very gifted, some believe great writers in my early days, and now I truly believe it is my turn to give what help and encouragement I can to younger writers beginning their long odyssey.

Ken e

[Lisasview]

You are welcome... and, you were oh so very lucky dear Ken..
Sadly I had absolutely zero schooling in writing. I just wrote...(I began at 10 years)
Only recently did I decide to take my poetry out of the drawer and post it for the very first time ... ever ...
My first language was french, learning english at 7 was so difficult. My grammar and punctuation is not good. But I am working on it...
So, I am not a young writer by any means (74 years young)
If by chance you read my work and have the time to comment with helpful ides then I am open to it.
Lisa, now living in Spain...

[Lisasview]

Hi there,
First look at your work and I think it is so wonderful that Ken gave so many constructive comments. I agree with all of them.
I too liked your poem.
Lisa, now in Spain