The Corner of My Cornea

The Corner of My Cornea

A Poem by Criator
"

From the collection of “Bodily Observations”

"

I don’t wear bags across my shoulders.

They are neatly sashed beneath my eyelids, 

Appearing slate gray where the shadows are tucked away.

Bashful black cats at my feet, 

A twitch, a talon, kisses my calves,

Frantic floaters writhe astride my eye and fly from sight.

It digs, it gouges my lens, crawling claws climb 

Out of my sable satchels to steal my upper eyelids.


It sounds deadly, but I need a bed badly.

© 2022 Criator


My Review

Would you like to review this Poem?
Login | Register




Featured Review

Criator I like this poem. A few minor flaws keep me from absolutely loving it.
It's a modernist point of view, with plenty of images to let the reader slip and slide in numerous ways.
but
a grammar issue in the line "a twitch, a talon, kisses my calves" can be easily remedied. as a chain, following a Twitch, a Talon, should read kiss my calves, as in a Kiss. I'd also end the sentence there.
Joined as you have it "Frantic floaters" is too jagged a line. In addition, I am not certain what Frantic Floaters are a metaphor for. Which is made even less clear by the shift in numbers from many to one with it's, a singular pronoun. which u then switch back to more than one with claws, which could be alright if not for the mixed message of plurality introduced earlier.
Finally, you should consider a comma after satchels, if keeping the line as is, because either the act is crawling claws climb out of sable satchels, or crawling claws climb to steal my upper eyelids, in which case the comma should come after climb as well as after satchels.
don't be afraid to revise it's what separates the almost good from the great

ken e

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Lisasview

2 Months Ago

Hi Ken,
Just thought I would comment on your wonderful comment to Criator
I think it.. read more
Ken e Bujold

2 Months Ago

thank you Lisa. I was schooled by some very gifted, some believe great writers in my early days, an.. read more
Lisasview

2 Months Ago

You are welcome... and, you were oh so very lucky dear Ken..
Sadly I had absolutely zero scho.. read more



Reviews

Hi there,
First look at your work and I think it is so wonderful that Ken gave so many constructive comments. I agree with all of them.
I too liked your poem.
Lisa, now in Spain

Posted 2 Months Ago


Criator I like this poem. A few minor flaws keep me from absolutely loving it.
It's a modernist point of view, with plenty of images to let the reader slip and slide in numerous ways.
but
a grammar issue in the line "a twitch, a talon, kisses my calves" can be easily remedied. as a chain, following a Twitch, a Talon, should read kiss my calves, as in a Kiss. I'd also end the sentence there.
Joined as you have it "Frantic floaters" is too jagged a line. In addition, I am not certain what Frantic Floaters are a metaphor for. Which is made even less clear by the shift in numbers from many to one with it's, a singular pronoun. which u then switch back to more than one with claws, which could be alright if not for the mixed message of plurality introduced earlier.
Finally, you should consider a comma after satchels, if keeping the line as is, because either the act is crawling claws climb out of sable satchels, or crawling claws climb to steal my upper eyelids, in which case the comma should come after climb as well as after satchels.
don't be afraid to revise it's what separates the almost good from the great

ken e

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Lisasview

2 Months Ago

Hi Ken,
Just thought I would comment on your wonderful comment to Criator
I think it.. read more
Ken e Bujold

2 Months Ago

thank you Lisa. I was schooled by some very gifted, some believe great writers in my early days, an.. read more
Lisasview

2 Months Ago

You are welcome... and, you were oh so very lucky dear Ken..
Sadly I had absolutely zero scho.. read more

Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

77 Views
2 Reviews
Added on August 16, 2022
Last Updated on August 16, 2022
Tags: poem, poetry, criator, sleep, please let me sleep man, Im really tired, shadows, paranoia, tired, floaters

Author

Criator
Criator

FL



About
Hello! My name is Criator and I write various kinds of stories ranging from short experimental stories to action, adventure novels to macabre or lighthearted poetry. more..

Writing
Vertigo Vertigo

A Poem by Criator