Hunger Eating

Hunger Eating

A Poem by Connor Shane
"

is this my fault? im not sure.

"

Satisfaction. Joy. Pleasure. Euphoria.
Happiness.

Seeing the flowers, the trees, the sky, the sun. 

Witnessing and feeling life. 

Being a living thing.

Being happy. 


Without pain. 


Does anyone know how to live like this? 


Perhaps, that is a futile question. 

Afterall, 

What is a human’s existence without pain? 

Without agony, regret, worry, anxiety, fear…

What would we be, 

If we felt no pain? 


Pain is what makes you better. 

It is what improves you and allows you to learn. 

It gives you a basis to learn from. 

To become who you want to be. 


It’s not that I disagree with this idea, 

Since I really do believe in it. 

You can’t live life without believing in it. 


However, I have something different. 

I’m not here to act like I have some alien disease. 

I’m not here to preach about some fictional illness, 

Or even to get sympathy for a real one. 


All I’m here for,

Is saying how I feel right now. 


Does anyone know how I feel?

Some of them say they do, 

And some of them admit that they don’t. 

What do I say? 

I’m not sure. 


I’ll never know what the others feel. 

All I know is what I feel. 


So, what do I feel? 

It’s not heartache, 

Nor is it anything to do with thoughts. 

Moreso it’s a physical pain. 

What do I mean? 


If I told you that I am hungry, 

What would you tell me in response?

Would you tell me to eat? 

Would you tell me to drink? 

Would you tell me to eat my greens instead of cookies?


If I had a dollar for the amount of times I’ve heard those responses…

I could probably buy a new Xbox. 


I’m wondering how I could put this simply. 

Attributing harsh and vividly colorful descriptions to this pain isn’t something I’m feeling up to at the moment. 


What am I up to?
I’m not sure. 

It’s hard to think very deeply when I have this hole in me. 

 A hole?
Yes. 

Like a miniature Pac-Man, 

Eating away at my very being. 


My voice tells me that I’m being dramatic about this. 

Perhaps I am, 

But I can’t change that. 

I’ve tried to subdue the hole, 

But it just won’t go away. 

It just keeps eating away at me, 

Day by day and night by night. 

Maybe it’s not here to kill me, 

But it’s here so I can truly see that life is a joke. 

A joke that has an infinite number of punchlines. 

This is one of mine. 


Maybe it’ll be fixed soon. 

Or not. 

How should I know?
All I can do is try and hope. 

Hope with all of my heart

That this hole inside of my stomach will vanish. 


This isn’t fun. 

I want it to leave soon. 

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. 

I don’t want this pain anymore.

Please, someone get rid of this. 

Get rid of it so I can feel happy again. 

Please? 


I want to enjoy my life. 

© 2019 Connor Shane


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Added on October 21, 2019
Last Updated on October 21, 2019
Tags: Pain, Hunger, Self-Hate

Author

Connor Shane
Connor Shane

San Diego, CA



About
Connor Shane is a big writer and reader, but can’t help gaming every now and then. Besides school, his main hobby is writing, such as longer short stories, poems, and flash fiction. Other than w.. more..

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