My Thoughts Without You

(Inspired by real events.) The journal of someone losing a very dear friend. Whom he had never met face to face before.

8^th June 2025

 

Funny, when I was 25, I had said to you how I would never get married. You didn’t oppose me, you never did. You gave your opinion and that was it. You were neutral. You always were.

 

And here I am, staring myself in the mirror. Ten years later. My grey tuxedo matches perfectly with today’s mood: uncertain. Everything seems so surreal, I wonder if this is merely a dream. But then I pinch myself. It isn’t. It’s all real. And you’re not here.

 

A few hours later, the ceremony starts. Casey, along with her father, smiling ear-to-ear. She meets my gaze and she looks down, embarrassed. They walk along the aisle as the music plays. I wait patiently on the altar, hands shaking. As Casey arrives in front of me, I open the white veil. Her eyes are as beautiful as I remember. We look at each other as the priest starts giving his speech.

 

Women are marvelous beings. I can see why you liked them.

 

--

 

20^th November 2021

 

San Francisco was snowing hard this year. I tucked my hands inside my pocket. Staring at your favorite band’s poster. They have a concert here tonight. They just launched their brand new album. I wish you could hear it. I flew from Reno to watch them, because I promised, and I would never forget. How lucky you are to have your favorite band held a concert on your birthday.

 

When I felt like the temperature’s getting colder, I breathed to my palms. I tightened my scarf. I imagined how you would feel in a weather like this. You always said you loved snow. Snowy wasteland is the kind of place you would find peace in. I laughed when you said that. You’ve never felt snow in real life. And you’d probably never will.

 

The band started playing. I understand why you liked them so much. They’ve become a part of you. They have a special place in your heart. The songs hit hard. Loss, regret, desperation, doubt, depression. But the community wasn’t like what I’ve seen before. They have hope, love, endurance, and certainly, friendship.

 

It was when the band started to play their special song, everyone broke down into tears. You’ve told me this before. You made a poem, your favorite one. About their deceased band member and how they did to deal with it.

 

After I got home, I read some of your poems again. You were such a great writer. You perfectly captured the correct essence of being, the emotions. I felt them all. I like when you told me to pick ten different words from a list and you’d make a new poem out of those words. You blew my mind. How I wish we could do it again.

--

 

1^st January 2020

 

Last year, we spent New Year’s Eve together because we were alone together. Tonight, I’m celebrating alone, because you’re no longer here. I sometimes wonder what you would do when you were alone.

 

We were playing L4D, just the two of us. You were teaching me some of your language and some of your popular swear words. I was actually in awe how your language is much easier than I had thought. I promised you I’d go to your country someday. You promised me you’d go to my country someday. We promised we’d meet sometime later. But it never came true.

 

We were chatting. We were discussing gun policies. You weren’t exactly interested in this particular topic yet you somehow managed to cope my ramblings. Later, you were talking about breakfast and lunch recipes. And later, we were discussing something completely different.

 

It’s crazy how we can talk almost just about anything. It seemed like we have unspoken synergies.

 

You liked to talk to me. I guess we’re both weird. We talked about weird stuff. You gave me weird questions, like what’s my biggest fantasy. You said you wanted to be a mobster boss, you learned their accent and you didn’t succeed because you thought it was hard. I said I’d really like to hear you nail the accent. You just laughed.

 

I think it was almost every weekend you stayed up all night so we could talk together. You were always awake past midnight. I couldn’t do that, I wish I could. I’m sorry.

 

You made everything seemed possible.

--

 

19^th October 2019

 

I couldn’t believe it. I actually fell in love. It felt unreal. I wondered what you’d think of Casey. I think you’d really like her. She’s really pretty. She has auburn hair, fair skin, a little bit of freckles on her cheeks. Her eyes are bright hazelnut. She likes iced coffee, just like you.

 

We hung out at a bar with a few of my friends. Remember that guy whom I told you I almost blew his head off with a shotgun? Jorge, he’s here with me now. He introduced me to Casey. I used to think what would happen if you were here with my friends. I think it would be really fun. I think everyone would really like you and ask for your number. You would just be nice and polite, and giving them the correct signal that you’re not really into men. I would hold my laugh whilst watching their faces.

 

Casey hung out with me more often. We kissed for the first time a few days back. On my pickup truck, beneath the moonlight. Claire de Lune, I muttered. But she was confused. I didn’t say anything. It was you who preceded classical music into my knowledge.

 

I won’t tell Casey about you. It’s my own memory to have. My own to cherish. I hope she wouldn’t mind.

 

Sounds selfish but that’s what I am. At this point, I think you’d understand. You’ve known me quite well.

 

3^rd September 2019

 

‘Hey, up for some DnD II later tonight?’ Jorge messaged me on Steam.

 

‘Sure,’ I replied.

 

We usually played together, you and I. Constantly suggesting games to play other than L4D because it could get quite boring. You seemed to always have a great time. You liked to play games, more so than me. I found that you were actually a better shooter than me in video games.

 

I remember your promise. You handed me your account. I’m now taking care of it. I never do anything except opening your farm in Stardew Valley. I made a new save game for myself. I looked around your farm, it was beautiful. It’s as far as that. I’m never brave enough to make any major changes.

 

I remember when you told me to play Stardew Valley together. I never bought the game because I thought it was too expensive. And now that you’re gone, I suddenly can’t forgive myself. I should’ve listened.

 

Sometimes, your friends might message you, they seemed to not have heard the news. Maybe I should tell them the truth, but I simply couldn’t. So I closed the chat window and hoped they’d forget about it. I’m really sorry.

--

 

27^th March 2019

 

We weren’t always available for each other. I had to work and you were busy with college. How I wish I could’ve done something.

 

I’m sorry I couldn’t be there. I’ll miss you.

--

 

2^nd February 2018

 

I actually thought you were a guy when we first introduced ourselves. Because I had thought no girl could ever be this interesting. I was wrong. Well, we all make mistakes. You thought I was Chinese.

 

You always came up with the craziest ideas. You challenged yourself with your poem generator. You challenged me to describe myself poetically and you’d draw me. An interesting persona, must I say. Not only were you good at writing, but you were also good at drawing. At least better than me.

 

For the first time I drew you, I challenged you with the same thing you did. You described yourself poetically. I can’t draw, simply can’t be better than you, but you said it was okay. So I sent you the picture. You said you liked it because it’s cute. I guess I will never know that was a lie or not, but I know you were a genuine person.

 

We talked for some more. I’m constantly rambling about stock market and how it affects the global economy. Again, you weren’t exactly interested in the subject but you kept paying attention. I apologized, but you said I was just being passionate, and you would do the same if someone talks about what you like.

 

I’d like to see the world from your perspective.

--

 

7^th May 2017

 

This was the first time you guessed my age. I did pretty well with yours because you said you were in college. I’ve never told you my occupation. But you went straight and told me I’m 25. It was accurate. I asked how did you know, you said you were a psychic. We laughed.

 

We later opened up more about ourselves. You asked for my social media accounts, which I didn’t have. You made a LinkedIn account just so you could check out my job. It was the first time we saw our faces.

 

About every week, you would constantly change your profile picture and username. Sometimes it was so silly I laughed. You liked to tell jokes and puns. About a few days ago we had a conversation full of bad jokes and puns. We had challenged each other to tell the worst jokes. I think I won.

 

--

 

10^th July 2016

 

I didn’t see it, nor did I ever want to, but you were crying.

 

After midnight, at 1 am, you called me. You asked if we could play together, I said sure. You were sobbing. I asked, “What’s wrong? Are you crying?”

 

You said, “No,” but we both knew it was a lie.

 

We didn’t play that night. You told me a story instead. You came out, you got rejected. Your parents disowned you.

 

Never in my life had I ever wanted to hug someone so far away. I couldn’t do anything other than telling you that a lot of people would accept you. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, but I’m glad I was there for you.

 

Your crying stopped. You said thank you. You said I made you stopped hating yourself. You said I made you threw away your anti-depressants and sleeping pills.

--

 

9^th November 2015

 

The first time we talked. You were asking things in the Steam group chat about which DLC you should buy for a game. I answered the quickest.

 

I didn’t know you were going to be a very good friend of mine.

 

The future sure is unpredictable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

27^th March 2019

 

A letter to my wonderful, dear friend, Zack.

 

You’re probably wondering what’s going on. Well, I just got something to confess. I hope it’s not too shocking.

 

Right now, I’m being treated in a hospital. It’s quite serious but I think I’ll manage. Without describing the full details, I just want you to know that you don’t really need to worry about me.

 

I won’t be available maybe for the next few weeks simply because I can’t have my phone and other communicating devices around during the treatments.

 

Now please read carefully. If I’m not back a few months later, maybe a year, don’t wait, okay? Promise me this. I trust you, Zack. So what I’m going to do, is I’m going to give you my Steam account. I’ll give the account details at the end note. Do whatever you want with it, buy games, play my games, but don’t delete anything. Play Stardew Valley, you’re allowed to make a new save file. If you want to, you can take care of my farm, just don’t break anything :p.

 

Anyway, I’m going to end it right here. Here, my account details:

Username: Flowerinmygarden

Password: protoniumno37405

 

Sincerely, your friend,

Lillian

 

It was the first time I saw your handwriting. It was also the first time I realized, you weren’t so good at lying.

 

--

Author's Note

My first story on this website. Sorry if it's a little bit confusing.
NOTE: This work is merely fiction, it is, however, based on real events. The characters' names and identities aren't real. If there are similarities, I sincerely apologize.