Hunt for Archiemundas Act 1 scene 3

Continuing Hunt for Archiemundas Act 1 scene 2

Scene 3:

 

[In the country side again Archiemundas enters stage right, and begins to display signs of fatigue, he sits down on the ground and takes a piece of bread out of his pocket which he jams in his mouth making him unintelligible, just then the Minotaur enters stage left]

 

Minotaur: HALT! These are Minotaur lands and before you can pass I will have to take a bounty of something worthwhile from you, something that proves that you are worthy and wanting to pass through these lands.

Archiemundas: [with bread still stuffed in his mouth, Archiemundas stand and begins to give a great speech.]

 

Minotaur: [looking confused] Spit the bread out of your mouth and then tell me what you said.

 

Archiemundas: [spitting the bread out of his mouth, he grabs hold of his vestments in a noble fashion]  I said, [he begins to mumble again as if the bread was in his mouth].

 

Minotaur: Oh be quiet!  What gift do you have to offer that proves you worthy to pass through these lands?

 

Archiemundas: Impede me not, Beast. For I am on a quest for Zeus, lord of Olympus, and his anger shall fall down upon you if you bring me harm.

 

[The Minotaur sets his club down like a crutch, leaning on it with one hand, and rubbing his head with the other.]

 

Archiemundas: [throwing a childish tantrum] Oh come on!  That was a good speech…let me pass.

 

Minotaur: NO! I’ve heard of you, Archiemundas, and I know of your quest.

 

[the Minotaur turns away, Archiemundas begins to pick his nose, disgustedly examining each find.]

 

Minotaur: Legend of your blundering and shear stupidity has reached us even here in Minotauria, and even the great city of Minotauropolis.  Our children are frightened with stories that you could do harm to us from even across the great sea, and if you expect me [the Minotaur wheels around pointing a finger at Archiemundas, who has a wide eyed expression, and a finger up his nose.  The Minotaur on seeing this drops his arm and his head] Why haven’t I squished you yet?

 

[Archiemundas runs to the minotaur grasping him at the shoulders and whipping his booger ridden hand on the minotaur]

 

Archiemundas: Perhaps, I think, because deep under that fur and hideous complication you realize that I AM on a quest for Zeus and even an ugly b*****d like yourself knows that I must pass.

 

[The Minotaur pushes Archiemundas’s hands off him]

 

Minotaur: Do you think me a fool?  You’d only break something important.  Why just before you arrived I was reading the Arcadian Chronicle and it said that you had stepped on someone’s goat’s bladder, just as he was about to clean and offer it.  I mean how much on your side can Zeus be?

 

Archiemundas: Well…He…Perhaps…Would you believe there’s a Persian army behind you?

 

[Archiemundas begins to pick at his ear]

 

Minotaur: No. Now turn around and head back the way you came or so help me I squish you like a date.

    

[Archiemundas pulls his finger out of his ear, looking shocked]

 

Archiemundas: You’ll ask me on a date?

 

Minotaur: NO! I said…

 

Archiemundas: Well I’ve never really considered dating a sub human species before.

 

Minotaur: I said I’d squish…

 

Archiemundas: I mean its not like you’re a centaur, at least they don’t have those unsightly horns.

 

Minotaur: My horns are a symbol of status…

 

Archiemundas: And you’ve got excrement all over your hoves.

 

Minotaur: I know what you’re thinking and it’s not mine!

 

Archiemundas: And you have that club. Ohhhh, scary!

 

Minotaur: What’s wrong with this club? It’s a nice club.

 

Archiemundas: Yeah if you lived a thousand years ago, but this is the Age of Swords.  We don’t go around trying to beat each other to death.

 

Minotaur: We don’t?

 

Archiemundas: No…We try to stab each other now.

 

Minotaur: Oh?

 

Archiemundas: Indeed, and you know what I think? I think I have the perfect gift to help bring you into this new era.

 

[The Minotaur perks up dropping the club]

 

Minotaur: A SWORD!

 

[Archiemundas reaches into his pocket and pulls out some bread]

 

Archiemundas: How about some bread instead? Hey that rhymed.

 

Minotaur: That’s it I’m gonna kill you…but first I must pray, as is the custom passed down by the holy prophet Steve-otaur.

 

[The Minotaur falls to his knees and mumbles quietly to himself.  Archiemundas stands next to him for a moment looking around as if bored, then gets on his knees resembling the Minotaur. The Minotaur throws his hands to the sky, eyes closed. Archiemundas does so as well.]

 

Minotaur: Oh great warrior gods:  Ares, Athena, Poseidon, Achilles, Hector, Odysseus, Agamemnon, Leonidas, Inky, Pinky, Blinky, and Bill.  Please bless this club to strike true upon the little skull of this foolish man, so that it will be crushed immediately.

 

Archiemundas: PREACH IT!

 

[The Minotaur leaps to his feet, and Archiemundas does so in response]

 

Minotaur: Knock it off! Now just go stand over there and wait for your impending doom!

 

Narrator: You could do it now and we could call it a night.

 

Archiemundas and Minotaur: Shut up.  

 

[The Minotaur points towards stage right, and Archiemundas, sulking all the while, walks away from the Minotaur.  The Minotaur returns to his prayer position.]

 

Minotaur: And great lords, who hate the sword and love the club, I ask that his spirit be sent on an express route to Hades, because I really don’t want him to haunt me, and if by some chance he where to follow me home, after he is dead.  I would be most sad.

 

[Archiemundas begins to walk around looking bored, and then picks up the Minotaur’s club which he swings at make believe enemies.]

 

Minotaur: And as stated by the great hero, Hercules, when he fought the hydra, “Give me the strength to cast down this beast,” or as put by Ares when he struck down the last of the Titans, “Olympus cast you from its sight.” Or as stated by Equitorues, when he was stabbed by his mistress, “Where did you come from?”

 

[Archiemundas hits Minotaur with the club.  Minotaur falls unconscious.  Archiemundas drops the club and begins to look around worriedly, then runs off, exiting stage left.  The Minotaur lies there for a moment and then starts to wake, rubbing his head.  The sounds of argument ensue as Zeus, Necrylius, and Estacus enter stage right.]

 

Zeus: Look you can’t kill him until he completes his quest.

 

Necrylius: What does he need to do to convince you that he needs to die now?  Blow up Mount Olympus?

 

Estacus: It would certainly seem that so far his floundering has only caused us trouble.

 

Zeus: Like what?

 

Necrylius: You mean just on the way here?  There was the farm he burnt down…

 

Estacus: The military storage warehouse of Greek Fire…

 

Necrylius: The caravan of merchants he caused to go off a cliff…

 

Narrator: All the other scenes that would be far to expensive to show in this play…

 

Minotaur: [rising to his feet] And of course knocking out the Minotaur.

 

[all characters gasp in turn at the sight of the Minotaur.]

 

Zeus, Estacus, and Necrylius: The Minotaur!

 

[Immediately after stating this, a childlike Minotaur runs in from stage left and exits from stage right screaming the whole way. All characters look at each other, confused, and then look off to stage left. Then look horrified].

 

Zeus:  Holy me!

 

Estacus: It would seem that city over the next rise is burning down.

 

Minotaur: ARCHIEMUNDAS!

 

Necrylius: It would seem I’ve recruited a second for killing Archiemundas.

 

Narrator: A third…

 

Minotaur: I’ve always assumed that the tales of Archiemundas’s curse was just folk lore, and a reason to change your name to something sensible like, Urinitdeepes, but now…He’s burn down Minotauropolis.

 

[the Minotaur looks away from the caranage. Necrylius leaps forward]

 

Necrylius: Join us!

 

Minotaur: I’ll never join you!

 

Necrylius: Join us and we can crush Archiemundas as father and son!

 

Minotaur: [getting a hopeful look on his face] you’re my dad?

 

Necrylius: Uh…no, but we could kill him together.

 

Minotaur: [looking disappointed] Are all of you trying to kill him?

 

Estacus: No, I’m trying to take the Legendary Dinner Fork of Chronos away from him…

 

Zeus: After he finds it and returns to Thessaly with it…

 

Necrylius: At which point I’m going to hold him down and punch him repeatedly…

 

Minotaur: And then I can crush his head…WITH MY MIGHTY CLUB!

 

[Zeus, Estacus, and Necrylius all smirk and giggle]

 

Minotaur: Oh shut up, a club is a handy and useful weapon.

 

[The others burst into laughter falling to the ground in hysterics, the child Minotaur runs on stage points at the Minotaur, laughs, and runs back off stage. The Minotaur stands there for a moment then picks up his club and walks off stage left.  The rest stand up and quickly follow still in insane laughter.]

 

Narrator: And so once again we leave these players heading in the wrong direction towards an inevitably frustrating fate, as Archiemundas heads farther and farther away from anything that could be slightly construed as part of his quest.  The undeniable puns, sarcastic quips, and utter demoralization of each character by another character droning on and on will undoubtedly cause some of the audience to wish they would have stayed home and watched television, and cause ulcers in others…I think I’m already getting one.

 

[The lights fade out slowly as the narrator speaks and as the curtain closes on act I the Narrator quietly says.]

 

Narrator: I think I’m getting a hang nail from this play as well…