Hunt for Archiemundas Act II scene 1

Continuing Hunt for Archiemundas

Scene 1:

 

[The curtain rises on a town square where Minotaur, Zeus, Estacus, and Necrylius stand in front of an angry mob who yell insults at them]

 

Old Man in the Mob:  How could you do this to us Zeus?  You’ve unleashed a monstrosity upon our land!

 

Mob: Yeah!  Who knows what terrible thing he’ll do now!  We’re doomed!

 

Old Man in the Mob: Surely the foul concoction, that is his fate, will spill out upon us and drown our very lands in his poisonous curse!

 

Zeus: I have heard you my children, and have no fear I will aid you in whatever way I can for I have seen the very horrors that Archiemundas has committed.  Why just on the way here he has caused great men to fall weeping and beautiful women to grow chest hair.  All these men with me now have suffered at his hands as well.

 

Necrylius: He has desecrated my holy alter…with an unclean bladder!

 

Mob: GASP!

 

Estacus: The idea of him possessing the Legendary Dinner Fork of Chronos has caused such fear in me that I have left my people with out a leader for three weeks now!

 

Mob: GASP!

 

Narrator: Because someone decided to remember him I have to tell his story, and sit through this play.

 

Mob: Awww. That’s terrible. Poor guy.

 

Minotaur: Yeah and he made fun of clubs!

 

[The Mob snickers and laughs]

 

Zeus: Tell me though brave men of Anyplaceopolis, what great mischief is he set upon now!

 

Member of the Mob: Well he’s taking a poop.

 

Mob: Sweet lord, no! Undoubtedly it will destroy us! It will at least be stinky.

 

 Estacus:  I know all to well your fears brave people.  For I am the king of Attica…

 

Mob: GASP!

 

Estacus: And during my father’s reign Archiemundas lived amongst us.

 

Mob: GASP!

 

Estacus: I remember well the day he was thrown from the village…

 

Mob: GASP!

 

Estacus: Right…For you see for long Archiemundas had caused mischief…

 

Mob: GASP! [one member of the mob falls down]

 

Estacus: Oh would you knock it off…and don’t forget to breathe between “gasps.”  Any ways, his mischief had always existed, but it had never caused real harm, so my father, who had never wanted to throw a citizen of his own out into the wild, abided Archiemundas.  However it was on the day that I was to be coroneted as the future king, that Archiemundas’s great curse finally showed itself.  For it was on that day that he had decided to attempt to create a juice that would taste similar to milk from…BEANS!

 

Mob: Sweet lord, no! It would be disgusting! People would call it milk even though it is obviously a juice!  It would taste horrible on my chocolate puffs cereal!

 

Estacus:  I know your fears already, but this monster decided he would see if goats could even tell the difference between their own milk and the horrible squeeze he had created.  Upon feeding a goat the juice it promptly BURST into flames lighting the tail of a nearby donkey on fire.  This donkey attempted to flee the flames by running directly into a procession of flower petal wielding virgins.  The petals they carried where from the strange weed that grows on the Isle of Lesbos, which caught fire and caused the virgins to become euphoric, hungry, and willing! 

 

Mob: A disgrace unto the gods!  Surely great sadness spread!  How would you tame the volcanoes?

 

Estacus:  One of the virgins, Ted, who carried a greater load then the rest, became so intoxicated by the burning leaves that he fell over and banged his head against the hind end of a horse that was pulling the cart that contained my coronation gift from Sparta!  The horse ran through the town to the steps of the palace and there the gift was flung from the cart and smashed on the ground in front of the king of Sparta.  My people where forced to pay reparations for years for the insult to the Spartans.

 

Old Man in the Mob:  I believe a moment of silence is required for the poor Athenians who suffered such a cruel fate.

 

[All bow their heads and close their eyes.  Archiemundas enters stage left with a piece of toilet paper stuck to his shoe and a magazine titled “Philosophers Gone Wild.”  Archiemundas exits stage right.  Everyone lifts their heads]

 

Estacus:  Thank you…It was on that day that my father cast him from our city and from our very lands, and banned the name “Archiemundas.”  Anyone who did not change their name to something more suitable, like Rocktodaheadus, would be slain.  So good citizens if you wish your city to stand then help me throw Archiemundas out of your city and in the general direction of Asine!

 

Mob: YEAH!

 

[All charge off stage left]

 

Zeus: Ah, s**t…He left already.

 

Minotaur: Trying to keep up with him is like playing a game of crapes for which direction to go.

 

Estacus:  Surely we’d have to wade knee deep in it to find him now.

 

Necrylius:  Enough of these obviously soiled puns, he leaves a rather smelly foot print pointing in that direction.

 

Old Man in the Mob: Have this lavatory burned!

 

[All charge on to stage to exit the other side.  Shortly after, they all charge back on stage.  The mob carries Archiemundas.]

 

Zeus: ARCHIEMUNDAS!  You will go to Asine now!

 

Minotaur: If need be I will bat you there with my club-What? Go ahead, somebody try and say a sword makes a better bat then a club! Just try!

 

Estacus:  Either way, take him to the gate that points in the general direction of Asine.  Once Zeus, the Minotaur, Necrylius, and myself are out bar the gates, and wait until we are out of sight to reopen them.

 

Old Man in the Mob:  Oh, no you don’t! We’re going to throw Archiemundas out with you!

 

Necrylius:  He meant after the four of us take Archiemundas out of sight.

 

Old Man in the Mob:  Oh well that’s acceptable.

 

[The Mob charges off stage with Archiemundas.  Zeus, the Minotaur, Estacus, and Necrylius follow behind rubbing their forheads.]

 

Narrator:  Thusly was Archiemundas thrown from Anyplaceopolis towards the general direction of Asine.  The people relieved at having gotten ride of his physical manifestation would later celebrate their good fortune with a huge festival.  The high-light of this festival would be the burning of the outhouse that Archiemundas had used.  Little would they know that Archiemundas’s high diet of fish, lamb, and bean juice gave his leavings an explosive power that would cause the destruction of their town…

 

Mob [from off stage]: Awwww…

 

Narrator: Be quiet. This coupled with the fumes that would spread from the burning feces would kill all of the villagers.  However they will take comfort in knowing that for the entire duration that Archiemundas had been in their small community that never once had he spoken, and forced them to deal with his mind numbing blather.

 

Mob:  Well that’s true.  It is comforting to know we’ll die that way.  I’m willing to do the festival for that alone.

 

Archiemundas [from off stage]: Not everything I say is blather.

 

Mob: Awwww…

 

Narrator: I hate you, Archiemundas.

 

 

Author's Note

For anyone who is curious...The Mob works just like a Greek chorus. So When ever there is something they obviously say together like "awww" "GASP" ect. Then imagin they say it together, but when there are multiple sentences you have to imagin they are all talking and random people in the Mob are yelling these specific sentences.

Reviews

[Gary H]

To respond to your authors note first, I wonder if you have tried recording the play so far. Would be interesting to hear. Just to be awkward as well, I would find reading easier if the characters were colour coded.
I'm fascinated by the way you have set this in Greek times seemingly to play with the Greek tragedy idea. Going well so far.