Hunt for Archiemundas Act I scene I

A play set in Ancient Greece.

Scene 1:

 

[Somewhere in the countryside of Thessaly Archiemundas throws his belongings, rather hap-hazardly, into the back of a cart.  The sound of breaking glass accompanies every sack as it lands.  The dark cool night is accompanied with the flashing of lightning, as the wind picks up.  Goats nearby bleat in protest, from inside an abandoned barn, which is riddled with holes, both in the ceiling and walls.]

 

Narrator:  This is Archiemundas, a rather unsuccessful and failed philosopher and inventor.  In fact legends of his failures have thus far made him a rather well known blunderer whose mere name is an insult used by children.  Often in fact parents will scold their children for even mentioning his name, thinking it cursed by the Gods to bring doom upon those who speak it, and in his home of Athens, many who live there that had the name of Archiemundas had changed it to something they considered a little less demeaning, like Hipposmulster...

 

Archiemundas:  Don't you think you are going slightly overboard?  Besides I'm running out of things to throw in the back of this cart!

 

Narrator: Yes, of course, sorry.  In fact until recently he'd been living in an abandoned barn, where even the goats he had managed to steal from local shepherds considered themselves less then animals, because they where in fact stolen by Archie...

 

Archiemundas:  Get on with it!

 

Narrator:  However, goats aside, Archiemundas had been a rather pious man, and on a daily bases was sure to offer the proper gifts to Zeus, the god of thunder, but today he had accidentally put a goats, unclean, bladder on the alter, and this, as I'm sure I don't have to tell you, made the god very cross.

 

[A peel of lightning splits the sky and Archiemundas looks up as the flash turns night into day]

 

Archiemundas: Well I'm sure the goats will be okay on there own.

 

Narrator: Joy overcame the goats...

 

Archiemundas: AND I've got everything.[Archiemundas says as he jumps on the cart and whips the oxen into action].

 

[riding as quickly as he can Archiemundas attempts to encourage the animals to go faster with each peel of lightning.  When suddenly a bolt crashes down in front of him tipping the cart.  In its place Zeus stands.]

 

Zeus: Archiemundas!  Where do you hope to flee, when your pursuer is a god?

 

Archiemundas:  I hear Macedonia is lovely this time of year...[Archiemundas states as he climbs out of the wreckage.]

 

Zeus: SILENCE!  You desecrated your own alter, and now must pay a price.

 

Archiemundas: [Falling to his knees and clasping his hands in front of him he begins to pled] Please, oh Zeus...

 

Zeus:THAT'S MR. ZEUS!

 

Archiemundas: Mr. Zeus, it was an accident I didn't mean to, I was just cooking the rest of the goat on the spit and wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and… [Archiemundas gets a wide eyed expression on his face and points somewhere behind Zeus] HOLY COW, A PERSIAN ARMY!

 

Zeus: WHERE?

 

[Archiemundas leaps to his feet and begins to run away, as the dawning realization hits Zeus.  Archiemundas only makes it a short distance before colliding with the massive chest of Zeus after another flash of lightning.]

 

Zeus: THAT IS TWICE YOU'VE MADE A MOCKERY OF ME...and seriously did you not catch the line about "Where do you hope to flee, when chased by a god?"  Now listen to me, you will pay for this transgression by going on a quest!

 

Archiemundas you mean your not going to kill me?

 

Zeus:[Letting out a sigh Zeus sits down on one of the charbroiled oxen] Listen, Archiemundas, for a long time the other gods have been making fun of me going, "Oh you got a real winner in that Archiemundas guy,” but I always ignored them saying that if anything else you at least where a good holy man.

 

Archiemundas: Well I do my...

 

Zeus: But you changed all that tonight, didn't you? So before your time comes to an end I want you to succeed at something, so your life won't be a total failure and to shut the rest of the gods up.  So I'm sending you on a quest to...

 

Archiemundas: What is my charge oh lord-

 

Zeus: ONLY I DO THE INTERUPTING HERE!  You'll go forth and find the Legendary Dinner Fork of Chronos!

 

Archiemundas: Of course, oh lord Zeus...A dinner fork?

 

Zeus: YES! What not good enough for you?  Perhaps you'd like to get Poseidon's trident, or maybe Aphrodite's hair?  Oh, I could ask you to ripe the beak from the Kraken. Sound like your kind of quests?

 

Archiemundas: No, no the dinner fork is good.

 

Zeus: Good when you have it you'll bring it back here.  Begin your quest in Arcadia, there, in an ancient temple, you will find a clue to what you are looking for.  I will check on you periodically to see how you are doing. [With another deafening strike of lightning Zeus is gone].

 

Narrator:  And so our hero, charged by the gods to find the Legendary Dinner Fork of Chronos, begins to trudge southward on his way to Arcadia.  Not knowing that he was to be part of an even greater...

 

Archiemundas: Oh, I see how it is.  Before I'm bumping elbows with Zeus I'm a complete failure that even goats don't want for master, but now I'm a hero.

 

Narrator: Very well, your point is made.

 

Archiemundas: Thank you.

 

Narrator: And so our senile old man, charged by the gods to at least once in his life not mess up, begins to bumble southward; his future screw ups and undoubted doom glaring down on him, and most likely thinking to itself that it’s probably not worth the effort, sets in motion several events at that very moment further to the south in Attica.

 

 

Reviews

[Thetrueartistinme2021]

This is really cool! I loved the way you used great describing words!

[Steven Silvey]

Awesome.
This really reminded of something that you might see in a Monty Python movie.
The dialouge was really well written.
There were a few errors in need of correction, but that aside, it was great.

[Vanessa Whiteley]

Love this:

Narrator: And so our senile old man, charged by the gods to at least once in his life not mess up, begins to bumble southward. His future screw ups and undoubted doom glaring down on him, and most likely thinking to itself that it�s probably not worth the effort, sets in motion several events at that very moment further to the south in Attica.

I agree with the other reviews, I could definately see this as a Python sketch. I'm looking forward to act 2.

[Gary H]

Have to say I agree with Ryan re: the humour line. It's very clever and funny but difficult to keep up to standard for a number of scenes. Certainly you do not want the kudos level to fall if you can't keep the level of amusement up. That's not to say you can't. My only concern is that the play breaks down into farce - I know I wrote an awful one a couple of years back.

I too was reminded of the Pythons and there can be no greater compliment (especially bearing in mind you are writing as a team of one!)

Looking forward to more.

[Bobo]

lol I like this, particularly the part:"Zeus: Archiemundas! Where do you hope to flee, when your pursuer is a god? Archiemundas: I hear Macedonia is lovely this time of year... "The only problem I see with this piece is that you are walking a very fine line between being very, very funny and that sort of forced, nod and smile humour that many writings seem to collapse into... at the moment it seems you've come good and I enjoyed it so far, but I think you'll have to be careful, as you write more, to keep yourself on track with a clear focus of where the story is going.I know that sounded very critical, but I really like this piece and I look forward to reading more as you post it; it reminds me very much of the Monty Python lads, whose humour is arguably the best out there.Anyway, keep it up and write more! Can't wait to read it :)