Missive to a Lost Phone

Written in response to a lost phone. The phone was later found and I was informed to retrieve it within the span of two weeks. Failure to do so would result in the phone being delegated to a charity.

Dear phone,
Not so long ago, due to your abrupt departure, I was left paralyzed with a terrible feeling of impotency. By means of your woeful indiscretion, I was incredibly distressed and tried all means available to redeem you. I must admit I found the lack of a means of communication of which you had hitherto devotedly provided tremendously difficult to cope with initially. But as with all things, it absolves with time. It seems the tables have now turned. Right now, I am experiencing a greater measure of freedom which was absent at the time when you were by my side and dictating the rules of my life.

I do not know in any way in which I can make the dissemination of the following news less painful for you. I can only beseech you to brace yourself for its unavoidable unpleasantness before you proceed in what follows. It is funny how fortuitously some events can play out in our lives. During your absence, a pamphlet was introduced to me by a friend. It was therein I was first introduced to another phone. If it is of any consolation to you, I did not at first have romantic feelings towards it. I had thought the sacrosanctness of the love between us robust enough to withstand being besmirched. Alas, how wrong I was! Time, it would seem, have a remarkably corrosive property and memories are particularly affected by it. And now that we were physically separated, our memories have no bulwark against the merciless torrents of time and were thence inevitably reduced to a smoggy fugue.

The synchronicity of chance; the serendipitous encounter of the pamphlet coupled with your (un)timely absence are undoubtedly contributors to my change of heart. However the change is facilitated chiefly by the reason that your qualities pale in comparison with the phone on the pamphlet. I think it is nigh time to reveal the identity of the phone of which I have been mentioning. Yes, it is none other than the iPhone 4.

Consider for a moment the specs of iPhone 4 and compare them with yours. Let's take a look at display: "960-by-640-pixel resolution at 326 ppi" compared with your "96-by-68 pixel Black and White"; life with you was indeed "monotonous". iPhone 4 also boosts a touchscreen whereas you only have a modicum of buttons to press. From that, it would seem you are oblivious to the importance of physical intimacy in maintaining a healthy relationship. We need only to bring in certain modicum qualities for discussion and comparison and we have a clear indication of a winner. You might argue that it wasn't a fair comparison. Indeed, I would have to agree with you; life isn't fair - even for mobile phones. You were born with bad genes, or rather in this case bad manufacturers.

Now I hope you see that you're out of fashion and the only reason why I have hitherto not obtained the Iphone 4 is due to my mediocre financial income. Please do not after seeing this beseech we reconcile our relationship. You should have known better than to have abandon me. Do not also offer your apologies since we all know apologies are made to lay the foundation for committing future offenses. You would be glad to know however that my parents are still on your side, they objected vehemently when I suggest you should thenceforth be gifted to charity.

I hope you spend your time in the "lost-and-found" corner doing some much needed soul-searching and I might then reconsider retrieving you. Please do however be prepared for the worst.

From your owner (potentially ex-owner)