The White Ranger (Chapter Two)

The White Ranger (Chapter Two)

A Story by TheBlackmage
"

The second (or third) chapter of The White Ranger, sorry it took me so long and it's from the perspective of Zeke :D.

"

Chapter 2

The moment the guards intruded into his paradise he was on edge. When he heard that they were going to arrest Dmitri, he was blown into his own mind so he could try to understand what was happening. After that it was instinct.

            He sprinted down the empty grey streets of Celadon listening as the guards’ voices faded into the distance; it was more likely they would grow wings and fly then outrun him. He knew every single stone that made Celadon like the back of his hand; he put that knowledge to good use every time he got into a situation like this. He only wished he wouldn’t have forgotten his hat back at the Silver Arrow. Without it his deep brown hair was wild and spiky.

            Zeke was starting to slow down and think about how abnormally silent this afternoon was when he heard yelling. He quickly pressed himself against the closest building and slowly crept towards the noise. He peeked out from behind the building, his eyes narrowed at what he saw in the town square.

“Unless you come up with the tax tonight,” the guard paused. His predatory grin was even visible to Zeke who was staring at the back of his head. “You’re going to spend the night with us in jail.”

            The ring of guards around the young lady started to laugh. Zeke could see her shivering and rage filled his mind. She reminded him too much of him as a kid, scared and cold with the guards laughing in your face.

 Zeke left the safety of the cool stone wall and strode towards the center of the square. The guards were still threatening the trembling woman. Zeke reached down and gathered a ball of snow in his hands. As he tightly packed it he wished he had gloves, he would have to go acquire some later. Zeke yelled “What are the kings’ dogs doing today.” As the guard who had threatened the lady early turned towards him, he launched the snowball square into his face. The guard fell back into the snow. The three guards who weren’t on the ground scrambled towards him; he turned around and started running for what might as well have been his life.

The distance between him and the guards was slowly becoming more apparent. At that moment he was very glad he was wearing his second skin of leather. Sadly, it didn’t cover his arms.  H When he thought they were a good twenty steps away from him he turned sharply onto the next street almost sliding into a wall. Just ten or so steps in front of him was a well. He sprinted towards it and was starting to second guess his idea when he slid to the edge of the well, with his momentum behind him he fell over the small stone barrier into the well. He clung to the frost covered edge of the well with all his might, knowing that if he let go the darkness of the well inside would engulf him.

He waited until the crunching of snow was in the distance. He gingerly pulled himself out of the well and looked around; He smiled as he realized he was alone with the falling snow to keep him company. He wondered why they didn’t follow his trail though. He shrugged and jogged back towards the young lady.

As he walked into the square, he saw her huddled where he had left her. When he ran over towards her he noticed the still unconscious body of the guard. His comrades would be back soon enough to collect him, after they had given up on chasing him. Zeke briefly stopped to grab the less than honorable guard’s gloves and slid them into his pockets before he closed the distance between him and the silently crying woman.

“Um Miss?” Zeke said while watching the direction the guards had ran.

“I don’t have any money!” the rather distressed woman said into her arms.

Zeke tapped her lightly on her shoulders and offered her his hand. “I’m sorry to rush you but the guards will be back shortly”

“There’s no hope of escape,” she said lifting her head up to wipe her red nose. “They know where I live and will be even crueler if I run now.”

“Well then come with me,” Zeke said with a friendly smile offering his hand to her a second time.

She got up on her own, ignoring his hand and looked at him and his weird leather outfit with clear suspicion in her emerald green eyes.

Zeke walked a step closer to her; she was most likely around twenty, only one or two years his junior. He lifted his ungloved hands to her face and brushed away her frozen tears.

She then slapped him across the face and glared at him angrily as her cheeks grew red. He wasn’t sure if it was his hands being that cold or if she was actually blushing. He was going to just ask her when he heard the jingling of chain mail he turned around and saw the guards returning to the square. They both shared a brief glance of fear before he grabbed her hand and started dragging her away.

© 2011 TheBlackmage


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Author's Note

TheBlackmage
It's only been reviwed once so say anything and i'll welcome all your suggestions :D.

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Featured Review

Yes, yes, yes! Love it! Love that you broke up the paragraphs... see what I mean? I don't know if it's as perceptible from your angle as the author, but it's such a faster, easier read. Awesome.

Also I like that you switched the viewpoint to Zeke. I love it when writers do that because I'm wondering what happened to Dmitri, but now I can see that Zeke has a full story too. So going back and forth between their two storylines will totally drive the plot forward at a great pace. If that's what you plan on doing, switch regularly between the two, when their stories aren't interconnecting? It all makes me wonder how they know each other and how they're going to help each other as the story progresses.

All these things make me ask questions, which makes me want to keep reading -- I have to keep reading! -- so I can learn the answers.

Very well done.

Also like the new addition of the lady. She seems pretty believable, so far, and of course as a female myself, it makes me interested to know what's gonna happen to her. I can project myself better into the story because of her.

Love it. Keep going.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

"...but why so short? When I reached the end I was like "And??????"..." And that, my friend, is exactly where you should be leaving us. You seem to be getting lots of comments on the length of this piece, but if that's your style? Go for it. There are many authors who use short chapters to keep the pace moving, and there's also lots of authors who vary the lengths of their chapters to keep their readers on their toes. So do what feels right for the piece -- especially in rough-draft mode.

Also saw a comment that suggested you add more detail -- small objects, etc. While this is a good comment, I disagree about it for this chapter. Since Zeke is running and hurrying, more detail would, again, slow the story down. Think about it: if you were running away from something at a break-neck speed you wouldn't necessarily notice every little thing around you, right? You keep the reader focused on rushing... that's exactly what you're supposed to be doing.


Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Good chapter, kind of short though. Next time, it should be a little longer. It's really interesting though, and I like how you put focus on only the important aspects of the setting. That also could use a bit of work though, detailing your story. Even just small objects laying around, a lonely, dark street corner, really, just a little more work with that side of storywriting. Oh yes, and you should also proof read your work, it has a couple spelling and grammar errors, also an occasional typo. Great job!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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Ben
i like how you have broken up the paragraphs and how its from Zekes view, it really makes the story flow and tells you what Zeke is like

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Another good chapter! It's better than the previous one, easier to read it, but why so short? When I reached the end I was like "And??????"
So, yeah, waiting for the next one. This one is excellent so keep up with the good work.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Just wondering... did breaking up the paragraphs make it easier to write at all? I just went back over the first chapter again, comparing it to this one, and while they both have great content I really just can't emphasis enough how much easier this one is to read. Mmm, not easier, but faster.

So was it easier to write?

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Yes, yes, yes! Love it! Love that you broke up the paragraphs... see what I mean? I don't know if it's as perceptible from your angle as the author, but it's such a faster, easier read. Awesome.

Also I like that you switched the viewpoint to Zeke. I love it when writers do that because I'm wondering what happened to Dmitri, but now I can see that Zeke has a full story too. So going back and forth between their two storylines will totally drive the plot forward at a great pace. If that's what you plan on doing, switch regularly between the two, when their stories aren't interconnecting? It all makes me wonder how they know each other and how they're going to help each other as the story progresses.

All these things make me ask questions, which makes me want to keep reading -- I have to keep reading! -- so I can learn the answers.

Very well done.

Also like the new addition of the lady. She seems pretty believable, so far, and of course as a female myself, it makes me interested to know what's gonna happen to her. I can project myself better into the story because of her.

Love it. Keep going.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on November 26, 2011
Last Updated on November 26, 2011

Author

TheBlackmage
TheBlackmage

St.Louis, MO



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