CHASE - PART I

“People have been compared to rains,

To the ice that melts;

Here’s another comparison -

People are volcanoes,

They keep gushing the fire inside

The burns, the wounds, the words

That could cut throats.

And when it all becomes too much to handle,

Too much to let go of -

They burst-

Loud and clear;

High and far;

They let go of the heat;

They let go of the burns

And it’s then they realize

That they had nothing to lose.”

CHAPTER 8

I sat under the arch of the sky,

With a half burnt cigarette in one hand

And a broken promise in another.

I could hear my bones shudder

To even the slightest of winds,

Like I am losing myself;

Like they are slipping down from my clenched fist

Just like the sand from the beach.

 

I sit there looking at the suicide note my sister left for me. I don’t know why she wrote those things but somewhere I know that they were meant to be a lesson to me - some words from her to keep me alive.

 

I sit there like an open wound,

That doesn’t know how to bleed.

Like a curious mismatch of crayons freshly broken.

Like a suicide gone wrong.

Like a handful of words, that I still do not write.

Like the dying stars and the giant planets.

I could not read any further as tears started to spill out from my eyes. I got up and hid the paper in my secret stash. I walk into the bathroom and splash water on my face and then brush my teeth. I remove my shirt and change into some sweatpants and make my journey to my bed.

 

On seeing Jo dressed as a princess and seeing her so happy, my heart swelled with happiness and when she said that Ashley had helped her dress up, my heart did some weird flips.

 

Don’t know what’s going on with me?

 

I walk up to my bed and lay down. I pull up the covers up to my waist and put a hand on my forehead and just keep thinking. After a little while Ashley walks into the room and her eyes drift towards me. She keeps staring at me for a little while not uttering a word, so I decide to break the ice,

 

“Done checking me out.” I say a little bit annoyed.

“I…Uh...I wasn’t checking you out.” she managed to stutter.

“I am sure my eyes are here” I point towards my eyes, “and not here,” I point towards my naked torso. She just ignores my comment and walks into the bathroom. Soon she is out the door and again looks at me.

“Where will I sleep?” she asks me, as she notices that I have taken up the whole bed.

As if, I will want to share my bed with her.

I point towards the couch and just smirk at her. She lets out a sad sigh, turns around and walks towards the couch. I ignore the feeling of guilt and switch off the lights, pull up the covers and cuddle to my bed and drift off into a peaceful slumber.

I can hear her turn and twist as she tries to find a more comfortable position for herself to sleep in.

Good for her, at least the w***e will learn something about hardships - I think to myself.

Don’t judge a book by its cover, my conscience retorts. I keep ignoring the feeling of hurt I get when I hear her whimper since she isn’t able to sleep. I just decide to ignore and am out after sometime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like a curious mismatch of crayons freshly broken.

Like a suicide gone wrong.

Like a handful of words, that I still do not write.

Like the dying stars and the giant planets.

I see Natalie again and again saying these lines. I don’t know why but I just stand there behind the tree, looking at her standing at the edge of the cliff. I know she is about to jump but I do nothing. And suddenly jumps. I stand there frozen, not moving. I did not know why I did nothing.

 

Suddenly everything changes and I am at Natalie’s funeral. She is laying in a wooden coffin wearing a beautiful black dress with a yellow rose in her hand. Yellow roses were always her favourite, this thought crosses my mind and I smile. I just keep crying behind those smiles and suddenly those cries turn into whimpers and sobs.

 

“Chase get up, get up….” I open my eyes and see Ashley and that beautiful face of hers in her tank top and sweatpants,

 

Wait what!?

 

I open my eyes clearly, rub them and see that it was all just a dream but that I was really crying. Ashley suddenly wraps me in a warm hug and I just stay there frozen. After a second or two I give in, and wrap myself around her. I hug her closer and tighter as if she would disappear into thin air.

 

“I have never seen someone this sad,” her voice is faint.

 

“Perhaps, saddest of all are those who are too damaged for the world to notice - and who understand the world a little too much. When we sit to talk about us, words seem to scatter around the world.” I say. She just nods and her eyes hold some unreadable emotions and I think that she understands a little too well what I just said.

 

She takes my hand and smiles a sorrowful smile, tying all of me to those brown eyes. We don’t move. She doesn’t have any place to go to and this is the place where I have to be, so we sit there - and I let her eyes run over my eyes, just this once, letting her find a crack.

 

“There are meaningful sentences hidden in your heart,” she says as she places her hand over my heart.

 

Her eyes meet mine as if waiting for me to say something to stop but I don’t. I know I will regret listening to her but I don’t stop her. Not this time.

 

“You can’t be the medication to this damaged world if you keep destroying yourself. Pain is not here to kill us, it is here to make us stronger. Pain and joy are siblings, birthed by the same creator which brought all things to existence. Pain is a teacher; it is like the shadow that will never go away. We just need to welcome it to learn lessons and to let miracles happens.”

 

I just stare wide eyed at her. She smiles a shy smile showing off her teeth and then gets up and goes over to the couch and lays down again.

 

I just stare at her retreating back mulling over what she just said. But it seemed like she was trying to say something more. I did not know why, but it seemed as if she had been through so much more than she shows.

 

My heart constricts just at the thought of her being hurt. I don’t know why but seeing her here with me gives me some unrequited feelings.

 

Who is this girl?

 

What is she doing to me?

 

“Their love story was like wine.

 

It got better with every passing day.”