ENCUMBERED

ENCUMBERED

A Poem by Dani California
"

My first attempt at a Sonnet. There's a light switch in there if you can find it. There's always light...

"
Forged sight conveyed a portrayal of lack, 
Aged fingers grasped firmly around desire.
She carried its burden upon her back, 
Perched heavily upon wearied shoulders. 
Eyes once filled with hope, faded miles ago, 
Now blinded to a path left abandoned. 
Walking the old road, in circles; she goes, 
Encumbered by a fate she imagined. 
Foolish is the mind which takes up the torch, 
Of worn travelers whose sight betrayed them.
Licking the flames; dreams unwittingly scorched, 
A once budding rose, left only a stem. 
To break free from the grip of days gone by, 
Bears gifts, seen only through an open eye.

© 2016 Dani California


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An interesting and complex poem! The story you tell of this strong woman who had to deal with a lot in her life was good to read about. The use of imagery was wonderful as well, “Licking the flames; dreams unwittingly scorched” SUCH GOOD ADJECTIVES. That tasteful word choice is fantastic to read and it fills the soul with powerful and memorable images, leaving a lasting impression.

I did have to reread this poem many times to fully understand what you are saying. I got the overall message the first time, that this woman has been through hell to achieve her dreams but it was all for nothing, but some sentences were structured in a way that they needed to be read again. Like the first sentence, “Forged sight conveyed a portrayal of lack” this sentence didn’t flow well with the rest of the poem in my opinion. It seems clunky compared to the rest of the sonnet.

That is my only critique however. The rest of the poem I thought was a great read and was a blessing to read today. Thank you for sharing it :)


Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




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A good poem well written. Make the poem on paragraphs would make easy read
Pal

Posted 4 Months Ago


I agree with Heromen Selena. It's a very well put together poem, but I do think it suffers slightly in the beginning. I still only barely understand what you're getting at with that first line. It doesn't feel as strong as the rest of the work for that reason. What I love is how we're first looking at this one woman, and then we expand outward to a more generalized point about the naivity of youth. "Foolish is the mind which takes up the torch of worn travelers whose sight betrayed them." And yet, it's impossible to learn without first being foolish. We can't really learn from the lessons of others. We must learn from our own.

I think my favorite line is, "Eyes once filled with hope, faded miles ago." I love the use of distance as a marker for time. They didn't fade years ago...no, they faded miles ago, miles back in her journey. She isn't calculating her life in the hours and days and weeks, but in the distance she feels she's traveled, and there's something very poignant about that. I love it.

I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure about the last two lines. I'm struggling with them the way I struggle with the opening line. I'm not quite sure what they're saying. I feel like the rest of the poem is fairly straightforward, so the more cryptic opener and the closer seem to stand out against them.

Posted 2 Years Ago


better late than never as this sat in my folder here
a well written piece that begs the reader to want to learn more
which to me is a success

Foolish is the mind which takes up the torch,
Of worn travelers whose sight betrayed them.
Licking the flames; dreams unwittingly scorched,
A once budding rose, left only a stem.

brilliant


Posted 2 Years Ago


An interesting and complex poem! The story you tell of this strong woman who had to deal with a lot in her life was good to read about. The use of imagery was wonderful as well, “Licking the flames; dreams unwittingly scorched” SUCH GOOD ADJECTIVES. That tasteful word choice is fantastic to read and it fills the soul with powerful and memorable images, leaving a lasting impression.

I did have to reread this poem many times to fully understand what you are saying. I got the overall message the first time, that this woman has been through hell to achieve her dreams but it was all for nothing, but some sentences were structured in a way that they needed to be read again. Like the first sentence, “Forged sight conveyed a portrayal of lack” this sentence didn’t flow well with the rest of the poem in my opinion. It seems clunky compared to the rest of the sonnet.

That is my only critique however. The rest of the poem I thought was a great read and was a blessing to read today. Thank you for sharing it :)


Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Lots of symbolism here I enjoyed this thoroughly start to finish it's haunting in a way.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I do not see the light but the writing and lines are written well .Walks in circles, a budding rose with only a stem. Valentine

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on September 3, 2016
Last Updated on September 4, 2016

Author

Dani California
Dani California

CA



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