Watching

Watching

A Poem by Dani California

 

  I’m watching the clock,

Tick tock,

The clock,

As seconds forward bound. 

 

I’m watching my fears,

For years,

My fears,

Keep hindered solid ground. 

 

I’m watching my love,

Void of,

Your love, 

Is lacking heartfelt sound. 

 

I’m watching my death,

No breath,

In death,

Soul’s final freedom found.

 

 

 

 

 

© 2008 Dani California


Author's Note

Dani California
I am not an experienced structured form writer, nor am I experienced at writing formulas. This is actually an experiment for me. The formula I created for this poem is stated below.

4 stanzas
Syllable pattern as follows:

5//1-2-1-1; 2//1-1; 2//1-1; 6//1-2-2-1

Rhyme pattern:

I am currently trying to figure out/learn how to write a proper formula for rhyme patterns;
In the meantime, the following is more of an explanation (or directions)
than it is a formula:

Same last words, lines: 1/3; 5/7; 9/11; 13/15
Rhyme: Ending word lines 1/ 2/3 of each stanza; last word lines 4/8/12/16

It's a tad dark, but this was really about the form writing, plus a little variety doesn't hurt ... :-D

Okay, so tell me what you think..

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Featured Review

i feel most alive confronting death, jim morrison,,,,, that came to my head as soon as i read this..... death is are only true friend in the end... love is at the piont a figment of our imagination and that is so , because we die alone. watching the clock ,, yeah i like that , waiting for death, wanting to expierance it, taste it, smell it... i like this poem,,, i do alot.... damn california this one is real good

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

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Ape
I like it! Nice rhythm to it. Good work.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I loved the poem, but am no good at formulas. This is quite good, but then you do possess a special talent.
Maybe a little dark, but that just adds to the ambiance. Great work, Dani...Kudos!! :-D

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

What do I think? I think you obviously didn't need experience, formula or so called proper rhyme patterns. Your talent has always been obvious, and this shows just how gifted you are. Dark? No just reality, which is good. I liked it all; the pattern and the content, but the end was just what the doctor ordered for humanity! Keep the gift flowing this is impressive! ~ Jude xoxo

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

you did take a trip to the darker side with this one , dani.
at first I thought of a jilted lover; one left behind to pine after another
the ending though; death and soul's freedom took it even further
into the darkest realm; where unable to live without their live
they ended their pain in the most final way.

I liked the formula - it had an interesting flow and rhythm.
excellent work :-)

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

The poem itself was wonderful. I tried reading it aloud and I a little trouble with the flow. That could be me and not you though, running on about 1hr sleep...Very nicely done Dani.

JS

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I think you can keep your formula, lol. I prefer free verse, you either get it or you don't. Rules, blah!

Now that said the poem it self is very good. I'm sitting at work after extended time off. (wink) and I hear the digital clock ticking and when I check the time it hasn't moved.

Your words seem to express a person who sees the morality of there life and watching time slip by and trying to catch those moments that slipped away.

as always Dani, another good write.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

As Antony said...I know know nothing of poetry, only what I like, and this I like. As with all things death comes.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This was really well written, Dani. Great work.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I know nothing about structure or meter or formulas, but I know what sounds and flows well and this did just that, it was easy to read and you got your point across and I guess that is all that matters to me anyhow. I even like what you expressed in this poem and the rhyme was perfect. I think that whatever you are experimenting with, went just fine.
Antony

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Interesting structure. I like it. Clear and precisely written, too! So much wisdom in so few words!

~Rd

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on September 7, 2008
Last Updated on September 9, 2008

Author

Dani California
Dani California

CA



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