Watching

Watching

A Poem by Dani California

 

  I’m watching the clock,

Tick tock,

The clock,

As seconds forward bound. 

 

I’m watching my fears,

For years,

My fears,

Keep hindered solid ground. 

 

I’m watching my love,

Void of,

Your love, 

Is lacking heartfelt sound. 

 

I’m watching my death,

No breath,

In death,

Soul’s final freedom found.

 

 

 

 

 

© 2008 Dani California


Author's Note

Dani California
I am not an experienced structured form writer, nor am I experienced at writing formulas. This is actually an experiment for me. The formula I created for this poem is stated below.

4 stanzas
Syllable pattern as follows:

5//1-2-1-1; 2//1-1; 2//1-1; 6//1-2-2-1

Rhyme pattern:

I am currently trying to figure out/learn how to write a proper formula for rhyme patterns;
In the meantime, the following is more of an explanation (or directions)
than it is a formula:

Same last words, lines: 1/3; 5/7; 9/11; 13/15
Rhyme: Ending word lines 1/ 2/3 of each stanza; last word lines 4/8/12/16

It's a tad dark, but this was really about the form writing, plus a little variety doesn't hurt ... :-D

Okay, so tell me what you think..

My Review

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Featured Review

i feel most alive confronting death, jim morrison,,,,, that came to my head as soon as i read this..... death is are only true friend in the end... love is at the piont a figment of our imagination and that is so , because we die alone. watching the clock ,, yeah i like that , waiting for death, wanting to expierance it, taste it, smell it... i like this poem,,, i do alot.... damn california this one is real good

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

a solid structure that really does say a lot with a little. watching watching we are always watching.. gives me the feel of someone looking back at their life watching a replay of sorts and contimplating their end based on the beginning and middle of their story. Very interesting.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I love the subtle darkness to it, almost like being alone on a rainy day. Just you and the creative cell box. The last stanza was amazing. love the work.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Quite amazing, i love this one. its simple and elgant and very well worded, it speaks a lot with little... and I'm diggin' the Salvador Dali ,lol

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Awesome!!! The new formula added a... I don't know how to put it... Dark whimsy? Whatever it was, made for a fascinating poem! Good job! :D

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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1015 Views
24 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on September 7, 2008
Last Updated on September 9, 2008

Author

Dani California
Dani California

CA



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