In The Navy

In The Navy

 

Optimism,

Pessimism,

and Realism

argue over whether the glass is half full or half empty.

 

“I say it’s half full,” said Optimism.

“I say it’s half empty,” said Pessimism in his snarky British accent.

“Well, I think we should take a measurement of the water level and then--” Realism

attempted to say before Optimism cut short his statement.

“Hey, Realism--this isn’t an actual measurement.”

“Oh…really?” replied Realism.

“Yes, really,” said Optimism.

“But shouldn’t we still measure it?”

“You know what, Realism? Why

don’t you go on your merry way with your Realism and measuring tape and…

and…

and I-Really-Suck-At-Life-ism.”

“That last one isn’t even a philosophy.”

“It…uh…is now! So, go,”

Optimism made a shooing motion with his hands,

“go on now, with your isms and such.”

“You suck,” Realism grunted.

 

“No, no, no--you suck!”

 

Realism walked away to leave Optimism and Pessimism to their own demises for a short while.

“Okay…so…we…were…where?” Pessimism asked.

 

“Um…dogs?” Optimism straggled.

 

Pessimism paused.

 

“Sure.”

 

His face was dead-pan.

Suddenly,

Realism presented a measuring tape to the glass of water.

He lifted his head up from the examination and yelled,

“It’s a few millimeters below half full! That means Pessimism is right!”

“Shut up, you twit!” yelled Optimism in reply. “This is supposed to be a thought experiment,

not a measurement exposé!”

Realism paused.

“But it’s still a bit below half--”

“F**k you!” yelled Optimism. “I sweat my a*s off trying to properly display philosophy

to an audience that doesn’t give a damn about philosophy!”

Pessimism offered,

 

“Maybe you should try sports.”

 

“No!” Optimism yelled. “No, no, no! No sports for me!”

Ex nihilo--rather, out of the eyes of the Pessimist--came a whole assortment of philosophies.

First came Conformists playing cricket in the corn field;

 

then came Stoics playing softball in the soap aisle;

then Nihilists using Naginatajutsu in the Navy;

then Humanists hang gliding through Hamburg;

 

then Buddhists boxing the bra aisle;

 

then Pacifists parachuting in Paris;

then Biblical Literalists bouldering in Boise;

then Individualists ice climbing in India;

 

then Cynics cycling in Cyprus;

then Sexualists Skittlesing in Seattle;

then Kantianists kegeling in Kazakhstan;

 

then New Agers Nordic skiing in Nottingham;

then Hedonists hurling in Harrisburg;

and then the boys from Chaos Theory popped into existence and the whole thing went

ka-blooie.

Reviews

[Tony Williams]

"then Nihilists using Naginatajutsu in the Navy"
gotta love it.

[A]

Smart! Captivating and a fun read.
Thank you

[Liza]

interesting, engaging, i enjoy pieces who consider all angles of perception - all in all at the end of the day - the glass full, half empty - the realist takes no sides and recognizes that at least there is a glass.

[DearSweetAgony]

A very interesting write! Whenever you write a poem I've noticed that you concentrate on the subject and not on the delivery. Leaving the reader with more knowledge than expected. wonderful write, kept me thinking!

[Cascara (aka Sprint Goe..]

the nature and narration of this poem is real intriguing...
nice job

[Coyote Poetry]

A very entertaining story. The many strong phrases gave life to the poem. I like the logic and question create by this poem. I read the poem a few times. So many good visions create by the outstanding poem. Thank you.
Coyote

[Alana McGuire]

I see that you viewed my newest status update, and I'm assuming it spoke to you. :)
I was smiling the whole time I was reading this. It was a really interesting dive into the glass half empty or full theories, and also quite informal.
Kudos :)

[Secret Lullaby]

lol i like this :) its really good and the begging is really funny :)