Alive, not kicking

Watching a beautiful moment.

The tides in,
A sun setting,
On warm sand,
With birds singing.

No more confusion,
Just a simple heart,
For which is seen, 
A work of art.

Not seen by a mind,
Only felt by the one,
Stillness in a moment,
Silenced from the sun.

The sky breathes,
With a whispering wind,
With a sun that's set,
On an ocean filled with stars.

Purity in the moment,
Stillness of oneself,
A very telling story,
Of a lover and itself.

Reviews

[WhereItResides]

The poem flows well but the picture is muddled. Too much telling and not enough showing, and this is especially important in poetry. Use more figurative language and descriptive words to show what it looks like. Compare the sunset to something or tell us what color it paints the sky. What do the birds sound like? Are the melodious or off key? We don't know. What do the stars look like? Don't just tell us they are there, show us. Showing rather than telling makes all the difference, especially since you can't get away with it at all in poetry.

[Daniel Dawes]

Thanks for taking the time to review the poem. I do understand what your saying about the descriptive side but I tried to make this one snappy. If you check out a poem I have called simply being or morning stars I've tried a bit harder with them. Would be interested to see what you think. Thanks Dan

[Claire in VA]

What a lovely feeling claims me when I read this!
It's true that it's felt, not seen.
Consider changing "breaths" to breathes, but check on it before you do it. Maybe you want it to be that way.
I love it.
~Claire

[Daniel Dawes]

Hi Claire, Thanks for the comment and you were right on that spelling. Thanks for the help :-)