The Day She Found Out

A story based on my real life.

“Layla, you’re so innocent,” he smiled, a hint of sadness in his countenance.
“No, I’m not! I swear! That’s not innocent,” she laughed back, punching him playfully on the shoulder.
“Believe me, swearing doesn’t take away your innocence,” he said softly, looking into the distance.
“Jared! Are you talking about-”
“No! Of course not!”
“Then what is it?”
“It doesn’t matter…”

Layla hated it when he did that. He would say something odd to work her up and then all of a sudden, it didn’t matter anymore. She decided it was time to give him a piece of her mind.

“Jared! Why do you always do this?” she began.
“Do what?” he replied, raising an eyebrow.
“You always say something deep and then pretend it means nothing! What is wrong with you?!”
“I… I don’t know.”

Layla froze. He was admitting something was wrong with him. That was a start, but she had to know what it was. His eyes glazed over as he got lost in his thoughts. She watched him intently, observing how his honey-coloured orbs were oblivious to everything around them. She smiled as the breeze ruffled his raven-coloured curls around his face, making him seem almost perfect.

Almost.

The only thing that troubled her was that rather than a small smile of nostalgia, his lips turned slightly downward and his eyebrows were furrowed in a look of sadness. It broke her heart to see him look so miserable, but she didn’t want to disturb him, so she sat in silence and watched.

He licked his lips and snapped out of his rumination and turned to face her, a faint smile on his lips. She smiled back at him, but could not shake off the feeling of immense sadness she sensed inside him.
“Are you okay?” she asked, trying to get him to open up about what was wrong.
He nodded softly, the remains of the emotion still clouding his beautiful eyes. She wanted to hug him and tell him she knew he wasn’t okay but was never one for those kinds of talks.

For the next few days, Layla kept a close eye on her best friend, watching his behaviour, how much he ate and how long he spent alone. To anyone else, it would have seemed creepy that someone was monitoring you, but Jared seemed oblivious.

She found that some days he would eat more than he would have been expected to, while other days, he would eat the bare minimum required to prevent a fuss in his family. He would spend almost an hour in the shower and would sleep either really early or really late. He would often only have tea for breakfast and wouldn’t exercise.

Studying was a completely different matter. He showed no interest whatsoever in any subjects and had no motivation to do well. He was withdrawing from everyone he knew and trying to stay away from everything. His posture was terrible, and it was one of the rarest occasion to see him smile.

His parents were constantly angry at him for not putting in effort or getting B’s instead of A’s. She noticed the days they got marks or test results back, he would go to the bathroom straight after getting home and wouldn’t come out for almost half an hour.  

She was worried about him and tried to confront him, but he would always find a way around it. When they locked eyes, he would avert his gaze, when they spoke, he would never look at her. His hands were always out of the picture of fixing his blazer. His words and comments centred around death and his behaviour was always detached.

 

One of those days, Jared came home and told his parents he got 29/34 in a maths test. They were angry, and he covered up his ‘failure’ by saying that was a time when he didn’t study. He said now was different and he was putting in the effort, but it didn’t seem that way to them. Layla heard him crying upstairs that night and went to talk to him, but when she knocked on the door he screamed ‘go away’! She never thought things would be as serious as she now knew.

 

One day, early in the morning, Jared came knocking at Layla’s door. Angrily, she opened it and gasped to see him on the other side.
“Layla,” he beamed, “I haven’t felt so good in such a long time! Come outside with me!”
She studied him from head to toes. Nothing seemed different. He was already in his school uniform.
“Give me a few minutes. Meet you downstairs,” she said before getting dressed and brushing her teeth.

Downstairs, he was whistling and moving with a speed she hadn’t seen in him for ages. Part of her was worried and asked him a most stupid question, “Are you high?”
He laughed and answered, “Of course I am! Why else would I be like this!”
Before she could stop him, he ran outside and jumped the fence. His self-destructive behaviour was scaring her, but she ran after him in order to keep him safe.

Jared ran to the bus stop and waited eagerly for the school bus, Layla panting to catch up.
“What did you take?” she asked, annoyed at him.
“You’d hate me if you knew,” he smiled.
This comment upset her immensely, but seeing his smile, distracted her slightly. He was in the jumpy, happy state for half the day, but at lunch, he was sullen and dark again.

 

She came to him and confronted him after doing some research during the day. All the signs added up to two different things �" that he was depressed and possibly suicidal. Taking a deep breath, she sat down next to him and watched him intently.
“What?” he asked, completely clueless.
“Well…” she averted her gaze for a few seconds, “I… I’m concerned about you…”
“It sounds like you’ve been practising,” he remarked, brows furrowed, showing his seriousness.
“I have… Your behaviour recently, it’s been very distressing… I have to ask you,” here, she met his eyes, “Are you depressed?”

Jared’s eyes widened and his mouth emitted a soft barely audible gasp. Fear was evident in his expression but was quickly masked by a jovial façade.
“What? Why would you think that?” he smiled, almost too happy, “I’m not depressed.”
“Okay… Are you thinking of suicide?” her heart skipped a beat in nervousness as she asked this.

This had a different effect on him. He stared at her for a few seconds, in shock, but then licked his lips and spoke softly, “Where is all this coming from?”
There was unease in his eyes as he watched her formulate an answer.
“You-Your behaviour is so risky Jared. Today you said you were high on something and that I would hate you if I knew what it was. I could never hate you, but I need to know you’re okay. I need to know my best friend is okay. And even if you’re not, I want to know what I can do to help you,” she explained.
“I’m not suicidal. Suicide is stupid,” he said, subconsciously moving his left wrist and forearm out of her sight.

“Jared,” she said to him, placing her hand on top of his, “You’ve been distancing yourself from everyone. You sleep so much or barely at all. You either eat too much or the bare minimum. You are not okay.”
“Leave me alone Layla, don’t follow me,” he said, getting up and leaving her alone on the table.

 

Layla sighed to herself. At least he knows I care, she told herself. She spent the rest of lunch in the library and then went to History. Jared was in all her classes, but his seat beside her was empty for more than half the lesson, scaring her. Finally, when she could bear it no longer, she put up her hand and asked the teacher if she could go to the bathroom.
“I know that Mr Jared is here today. Are you both going to meet up and skip class?” she asked her in front of the entire class, who sniggered.

At that moment, Layla couldn’t care less about her reputation. Her best friend’s life was in danger and she wouldn’t sit by and let him slip away. Standing up and going to the teacher, she told her in a hushed tone, “My best friend’s life is in danger, and I’m leaving whether you let me or not.”
“Jared? His life is in danger! Sit down Miss Layla!” laughed the teacher.
“He’s depressed. He might even be suicidal. Let me help him!”
“Jared? Depressed? He had the top grades last term!” she exclaimed.

Rolling her eyes, Layla ran out of the room before she could be stopped. She didn’t stop until she had reached the balcony Jared loved to spend his time on. Sure enough, he was there, leaning partially over the edge.
“Jared!” she called, running up to him.

He looked at her, a blank expression in his eyes. He looked hollow. Empty. She jogged up to him and put a hand on his shoulder, blue eyes searching his for any traces of emotion. His gaze met hers, void of feeling.
“Jared, please…”

His eyes filled up with tears but were still devoid. Breaking eye contact with her, he turned away. She came to his other side to see tears trailing down his cheeks. His lips were flattened as if trying to hold in a sob and his jaw clenched tightly. She made a move to wipe the tears from his cheeks, sympathy in her gaze.

He closed his eyes and leaned in slightly to her touch, lips slightly parted, until he realised what he was doing. He looked away, tilting his head to the side, eyebrows drawing close together. Sadness was visible in his honey-coloured eyes now. She cupped his cheek, using her thumb to stop the tears from going all the way down to his jawline.

“Layla, I’m so tired,” he whispered hoarsely.

He leaned his back onto the wall and sunk down to the floor, hiding his face in his hands. She knelt down beside him, rubbing his back soothingly.
“How long did you know for?” he asked.
“Um… Just this week…” she replied.
He nodded and began to shake. Layla was unsure about what to do, so she said the only thing that came to mind, “Just try to be positive.”

“Positive?” he scowled, lifting his face to see her properly, “Positive?!”
He scoffed and she looked at him, confused. “What’s wrong with that?”

He stood up, grinding his teeth, chest heaving with anger. “You think you know what it’s like to be depressed?” he yelled at Layla, who was now standing up, leaning backwards on the balcony in fear.
“To live every f*****g day thinking you don’t matter? To always be on the verge of crying? Tell me, Layla! Do you f*****g know what it’s like?!”

Layla was terrified by his outburst and began breathing rapidly, her expression betraying her. Oblivious to how he was affecting her, Jared continued, “I don’t f*****g know what I did to deserve this! I don’t know why I have to suffer so f*****g much!”

He came up close to her, pushing her further over the edge, grabbing her shoulders firmly, and shaking her.
“Why Layla? Why the f**k am I hurting so much?!”
Unable to control herself, she started crying. Not audible sobs, but just an endless stream of tears.

Jared froze, the realisation of what he had just done, dawning on him.

He let her go and backed away to the wall. He banged his head on it multiple times, creating a cut on his forehead, which oozed out crimson blood.

“And now I’ve hurt the person I love most.”

Layla still couldn’t bring herself to come closer to him, but she spoke, her voice almost silent, “Don’t blame yourself, Jared. I deserved it. I didn’t think of how my words could have affected you…”

“I can’t not blame myself! It was my fault… Go back to class Layla. Don’t waste your time on me. I’m a lost cause.”

With those final words, he left her standing on the balcony, alone.

 

It was in the last period that day that Layla became really worried. Jared has been absent from all classes and hadn’t been seen all day. Without a warning, Layla left the lesson and ran to the most secluded boys’ bathroom in the school. At that moment, she didn’t care if she got a detention, or if she would be suspended. Hell, she could be expelled and she would be happy, because, at that moment, all that mattered was Jared’s life.

Stepping silently into the bathroom, she listened for signs of her best friend. When she became most worried, she heard a moan of pain come from around the corner, where the benches were. Slowly, she advanced to where the sound came from, and there he was.

The small scissors he kept in his pencil case, and refused to touch unless necessary, was sliding against his skin. His left forearm was littered with more cuts than she could count. But what concerned her most was how his lolled to the side.

“Jared!” she called.
“Jared! Wake up!” she slapped his cheek, causing his eyes to open partially and close again.
“Jared! … HELP!!!!!!” she yelled at the top of her lungs.
“Layla…” he breathed, his voice indiscernible.

The honey orbs were losing their flair. He blinked slowly, each time his eyelids drooped more. His chest was barely rising and falling and she screamed again, ignoring the blood that soaked her clothes.

“…so…so…tired…”

The 13-year-old boy’s head rested on her lap as she tore off part of his shirt to make a bandage. The oozing of blood stopped eventually, but judging by the amount of blood on the floor, he must have lost almost two litres.

He was unconscious now, breathing shallow and rapid. Layla pressed her hand to his chest to feel for his heartbeat. It was hammering, throbbing faster than she would have imagined. She screamed for help again, but no one came. Jared’s skin was abnormally cool, like that of a corpse and was so pale, that if she didn’t know better, she would have thought him dead.

For minutes, she stayed with him, squeezing his hand and brushing his messy black hair out of his eyes. The picture of all the cuts on his arm haunted her head and the tears poured down her face. After all her crying, she fell asleep on his chest, the sound of his heart comforting her.

Finally, after an unknown amount of time, she felt the body under her stir. A soft moan came out of Jared’s mouth as he struggled to shift with her on top of him. She roused and immediately looked to him. He blinked a few times before focusing in on her.

“Layla? What are you doing here? Wait, where are we?” he said, surveying his surroundings in a confused state.
Without answering his questions, she threw her arms around his neck and enveloped him in the biggest and longest hug he had ever been given. He only pulled away when he felt her tears soak his shirt.
“We’re at school Jared,” she told him finally, “I’m so glad you’re alive. I never want to let that happen again.”
“Let what happen?” he asked.

Following her gaze down to his wrists and torso, he licked his lips in nervousness before looking back at her briefly.
“It’s okay. I know they’re there, and I’m not judging you for them. Please, if you ever feel like hurting yourself, come to me. Talk to me, Jared. I’ll be there for you.”

And with that, she hugged his crying form, bringing him closer to her. She rested his head on her chest and put her chin on it.

"I love you, Jared. I could never live with myself if I lost you."

Author's Note

This was just some emotion that I had to let out...