Hidden in Sight

Hidden in Sight

A Story by DarkIriswriter

Elizabeth Jensen was kidnapped and hasn't been seen for 24 hours, after sentencing the murder James McCann to a life sentencing.And McCann swaring his revenge on her.FBI agent Nicholas Clark is called to case of finding her and bringing her back safely wh




Detroit, Michigan


Hearing the scurrying of a rat on the dank floor made Elizabeth Jensen crawl with Goosebumps all over again; those god awful creatures were abundant in millions.

She knew what she was getting into when she uncovered the truth in the McCann case dealing with the murder of Amy Thompson. One thing for sure was that they have been tracking her down for the stand she took in the trial, and James McCann swore his revenge. The only hope was that her dad would get the clue she left behind at the crime scene, a piece of paper with the coordinates of the hideout. Planning an escape was out of the question, it would be worse to be killed in the process. Her dad being the head boss of the FBI didn't make matters any better, he would make the perpetrators pay for what they did.

She drew what little energy into sleeping off the sedations they placed into her system, once every two hours a masked man would pace around the door to make sure she wasn't doing anything too suspicious. Without the ability of strength of fighting off them one by one it was the wits that outsmarted a average person. She would be alert when the guard came to check on her just to make sure he wasn't doing anything that would hurt her chances of surviving this ordeal.


FBI headquarters 9:55 am


 The only thing that fired up Nicholas Clark was the intense of capturing a kidnapper in the chain while saving another in the process. Two months ago he was assigned by the director of the FBI himself for the hearing of the McCann case. He had recently found out this morning that the boss's daughter was kidnapped by men in ski masks. What bugged him the most is that couldn't identify the kidnappers with out the evidence they left behind. For some odd reason they found a paper indicating numbers of a location with Elizabeth’s fingerprints imprinted right on it.


  "What did Elizabeth find out that made McCann crawl in fear?" as he countered James for the information of the coordinates.



Nicholas shook his head as he found out the coordinate son the screen appeared.” McCann doesn't realize how smart Elizabeth is ahead of him.” Mark Jensen strolled in right on cue; no one knew better than Nicholas how much Mark took to protecting his daughter and he taught her well.


The decrypting of the letters took a number of the location into finding Elizabeth’s captors.

"I want the exact location and the video feed in the parking lot.” Mark asked


James deciphered the letters less than the time it took to ad 2+2." The coordinates are in Detroit, Michigan 1240 emerald creek edge.” James said


"I want the whole place scoped out and I want Nicholas to make the run to go in.” Mark turned over his shoulder before leaving.


"I know how much mark wants to find his daughter somehow I have a feeling that he is being set up for the trial.” Nicholas replied roughly. One thing he knew for sure was that McCann had men doing his dirty work for him while he was still locked up. Nicholas stood up and looked out at the view ahead of him.


"Get whatever you got on all McCann's goons and the criminal records to go.” I want these men locked up and punished for what they are doing. I’m going to take charge of this investigation and find the boss's daughter. Now let’s go before the time is gone from us."


© 2008 DarkIriswriter

Author's Note

Give me suggestions...Tell me if you think i should keep writing.

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The tone of your writing shows quite a lot of promise. You've captured the thriller tone, and you have a fast-paced story going. You reveal a lot of information in a short time, and quite well, also. I want to read more.

"Give me suggestions." OK.

The first sentence didn't start me off on the right foot. Your first sentence should grab the reader and make her want to keep reading. While your first sentence has a lot of good description in it, I wouldn't put it first. Find another sentence which introduces the tone you want the reader to have.

"the the stand she took" Shouldn't this be "for taking the stand"?

"foun dout tha tthe corrdinate son" Looks like you got a little overexcited there, a common typing mistake. A decent spell-checker would flag a lot of your mistakes automatically.

"Tell me if you think i should keep writing." Definitely. I've been doing it for years, and I still feel like I need a lot of practice.

Posted 16 Years Ago

of course you should keep writing. This is one of your finer pieces. It has imagination, suspense, intrigue and keep me wanting more, Sara you're on a roll and I hope you keep pushing that inter sense to write a masterpiece. I won't ask why you picked Michigan but it makes it more personal to me�
Please let me know when the next chapter is written�Nice write.

Posted 16 Years Ago

So far so good..dont take this the wrong way but dont you mean Director of the FBI...anyways it was good so far quite the thriller...=)

Posted 16 Years Ago

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3 Reviews
Shelved in 1 Library
Added on July 3, 2008
Last Updated on November 20, 2008