The Ultimate SinA Story by Eric Darsie A short story I wrote for my Advance Fiction class the semester of Fall 2010. It's a story about a Pastor who fell into temptation of adultery and homosexuality. ‘The Ultimate Sin’
I guess you may want to know what happened�"on why I’m not the Lead Pastor at Southern Baptist Community Church in Birdsville, Kentucky anymore. I’m sure you heard the Church’s story, you may have heard my wife’s story, but it’s fair to hear my story. Yes, it was my choice of what I’ve done. But it’s fair for all of you to hear this from me, not from other people. It’s fair to hear their side because their opinion matters. That’s why I’m at where I’m at, their opinion matters. But here’s what happened�"my side of what took place.
It was the seventh hour in the afternoon and I checked my cell phone. I received a couple of texts since I last looked at my phone several hours ago. The first text was from Anne, my wife. She sent: “Hope work is well. The kids & I made it safe. Will call you tomorrow. Love you.” She and the kids went to her parents because her dad is on his death bed due to having brain cancer. My other text was from Matt, my best friend: “Hey, we still on for tonight? ;)” I smiled and texted Matt back: “Yes ;) come over @ 9.” Then I texted Anne back: “Happy you made it there safe. Praying for you guys. Love you.” I worked more on my sermon on Luke 14:25-33, which Jesus Christ talked about the cost of being His disciple. I’ve been praying and thinking about taking this passage and planning on preaching about if we love things of this world over Jesus, we cannot be His disciple and cannot call ourselves Christian. I took notes from nine months prior when I originally went through the book of Luke for this sermon series we’re going through. So I read through the passage about five times through and read my notes from when I read it through before and made bullet points for the sermon that Sunday. I looked at the clock and noticed it was 8:23, so I saved my sermon bullet points on the church computer and packed up for the night. I walked out of church at 8:29 and walked a block and a half down the road and made it to the house the church owns for the Pastor. I also had to be specific for when I get done with work and when I get out because we all have to keep track for payroll. Once I got home, I checked my phone again and got another text from Matt. He sent: “I shaved my legs tonight for you baby ;) can’t wait to see you.” I replied with: “What are you wearing underneath it all?” About five minutes later, Matt responded: “The flesh color silk briefs that you bought for me.” I closed my eyes and smirked. I couldn’t wait for Matt to arrive. I fantasized about that for a couple of minutes. I hope he still locks his hips like our college days. I had to go pee�"all that Mountain Dew finally caught up to me in the office. A couple of minutes before 9 I heard my phone go off. I walked over to the kitchen counter and saw it was Matt who was calling me. Well, my phone said “Matthew Daniel Brown,” because that’s his full name. I like having people’s full name in my phone. “Hello?” I answered. “Hey,” Matt answered. “What up?” I responded with a smile on my face and excitement in my voice. “Not much,” Matt replied with a cheerful tone in his voice. “You brought over clothes for the night?” I questioned happily even though I already knew the answer. “I did,” Matt said. After that, I smiled. I can’t believe we’ve waited a couple of months since we last did this in the hotel room. At least this time no one would think anything of it seeing a Pastor walking into a hotel room with another guy. “Good. Get off the phone, get out of your car, and come in,” I replied, excited to hang out with Matt again. “Be right in,” Matt replied, got out of his car, grabbed his bags, and walked to the door. I went to the door to unlock it and let Matt in, and by the time I did that, Matt was at the door so I let him in. After shutting the door and locking it, he dropped his bags and we started to swap spit with one another. About a minute later, we stopped, smiled, and hugged each other (like we weren’t doing that before). I miss his warm embrace. I cherish the times he squeezes me like he used to back when we lived together in the dorms. He always put his hands on my hips after we hugged. It makes me feel like someone truly wants me for me. “It’s great seeing you again,” I said with my hands on his hips. “I know. It’s awesome seeing you again too,” responded Matt, putting his hands on my hips as well. “I can’t believe we’re gonna go through with this,” I said with my voice a little shaky. “Same here,” Matt respond, winking at me, making me feel a little better. “You nervous?” I asked while rubbing his hip with my right hand. “Yeah. What about you?” he responded. “Heck yeah. But I can’t wait for it,” I said while remembering
the times we had that I consider the best times I ever had in college. “Should we move to the bedroom?” I said when Matt was giving me a hug and wrapping one of his legs around me. I pushed him up to the wall, sniffing his hair, and he said, “Let’s do it.” I helped Matt with bringing his bags to the bedroom. Once we got there, we dropped his bags, I shut and locked the door, and we started to take our clothes off to do our thing. When we got down to when we were in our plaid jean shorts (I was wearing my blue plaid shorts and he was wearing his white plaid ones), we made out again, hugging each other, feeling up each other’s backs, shoulders, necks, waists, and butts.
This is part of the story where I should step back and explain how we got to where we ultimately sinned and fell away from God. Around six months prior, our wives went out and had a date night with one another and we hung out together too that night. When we were talking about many different topics such as life, what we’re learning, and our college career, it came up that we both still had a sexual attraction towards one another that we had back in college and how we should respond to it. We originally agreed that we shouldn’t be in any place together where we could fall into temptation and have sex with each other again. We shook hands on that. Two weeks before this day I’m describing for you, Matt came into my office when I was working at the church and let me know he and his wife were getting a divorce and asked me what he should do. He said they’re getting a divorce because she committed adultery on him (now looking back at this, what a weird coincidence that he would do the same thing she did to him). Matt needed to go and vent his frustrations to someone and I let him know about Anne’s father and how stressed out she has been and how it affected me as well. Matt asked if we could hang out when Anne and the kids left to see her dad, because it’s been a while since we both hung out and could use some valuable one-on-one time with our each other. Matt texted me a few days before we got together, asking me if it would be okay if he spent the night at my place when we hung out, just in case if our conversation and whatever we would do would go late, that he doesn’t have to drive home tired. I okayed it, I didn’t see any problems with it. I was hoping we would have intercourse again. He texted me saying: “I’ll be shaving my legs before coming over and I’ll wear the flesh colored silk briefs you bought me J”. I smiled and closed my eyes to try to image him in those briefs. I responded: “So, what is the plan then for the night?” Couple of minutes later, I got the text: “We both are stressed out and what better way to relieve the stress then make love to each other? You in?” I had to think about it for a couple of minutes. Do I really want to be caught in the same thing my best friend’s in? Do I want to do that to Anne and our 15 month old twins? I had a lot of thinking to do before responding back to Matt either way.
Matt and I have been best of friends since our freshmen year of college back in Minnesota. We were roommates our freshmen year, we were roommates before we became Christians. That’s where it all began when we started to sleep with one another. We pushed the twin size beds together and got one blanket big enough for the both of us. Our parents sent up blankets for our single beds and we used them when we’re awake, because we didn’t want our floor mates to know that we push our beds together and that we’re sleeping together. At the end of our freshmen year we got connected with one of the college ministries and made friends with some solid Christian men. In that circle of friends we met our future wives. After we were told about the Gospel and the good news about Jesus Christ, Matt and I talked about if that’s something we want, and that’s to follow Jesus Christ and become a new person in Him and give up our lives that we lived before. We both decided to pray to receive the Holy Spirit and let God lead us through the third member of the Trinity. Our sophomore year we were in a bible study and homosexuality was brought up. Both of us wanted to learn more because we were roommates again and were still sleeping with each other every night and were having sex with each other. Our bible study leader told us that homosexuality is wrong because God made man and woman to be with one another to be with each other and to reproduce among the earth[1] and homosexuality is unnatural.[2] After bible study when we were sitting in our room together, we decided to try to stop having sex with one another every night, but still wanted to have our beds together because we enjoyed the warmth of one another whenever we did go to bed. That lasted maybe a couple of nights. We started to hang out with our future wives around this time and we both fell in love with them, but still have this “love” for one another. This was when we prayed and decided we needed help on stopping with our homosexual encounters with one another. We talked with the campus ministry director and he directed us with getting help. The thing was, after having the conversation with Matt a couple of months back, our feelings came back and I knew I shouldn’t have sex with Matt again but he being my best friend, I was caught between a rock and a hard spot. It was hard knowing the fact that I cannot see my best friend when it’s just him and I hanging out knowing the fact we both had an attraction with one another. The thing is he wants to come over when Anne and the kids are gone for us to give into temptation and do what married couples do with each other. With the both of us being Christians and we believe that homosexuality is wrong, we shouldn’t be left alone with one another. So I had to make a decision, and that decision was to go through with this and give up everything I believe in for a night, give up my vows with my wife, and get fired from my job to do what I always wanted to do, and have sex with my best friend, or not have sex with him. Decisions had to be made and a lot of thought had to be put into them. These decisions weren’t easy. What should I do?
When I was lying in bed with Matt, I remembered a quote that I read in the summer of my Senior and Super-Senior year in undergrad, and the quote was from Mark Driscoll’s book, “Doctrine.” The quote was: “A godly person is a person after God’s own heart.” When I thought of that, I started to quietly sob, partly because I didn’t want Matt to realize that I’m crying, but partly was because I would be held accountable for my actions if Jesus came back right when this was happening. What would Jesus say to a Pastor of a church, who, during His return, was committing adultery and was committing a homosexual act? I had to shut my mind off when Matt gave me a blow job when all this was running wild. When he was done, he crawled from under the covers and snuggled up next to me and smiled. “I’m surprised you can still go after all this time. Now I understand how you can have an hour plus sermons every Sunday,” Matt said while getting comfortable up next to me. “Thanks. I appreciate it,” even thought I knew that was a lie. “Do you know when Anne and the kids are coming back?” he asked, placing his head on my chest. “I’m not too sure, I’ll have to call back in the morning and see how she, the kids, and the family are doing,” I said, smelling his hair, smiling, because he smells like he used to in college. “Are you gonna tell her of what we did tonight?” he asked, kind of worried. “Would you want me to lie to my wife?” even though I know I never told her before. “That’s a hard question to answer. Could I let you know in the morning, after we sleep away our little night of love?” he asked. “I guess so,” I said a little depressed, and a little worried. “You sound a little down�"you okay?” Matt asked, concerned. “Just a lot on my mind,” I replied not wanting to tell him what’s on my mind. “Like what?” he asked, turning to his side and wrapping his arm around my body. “I don’t want to get into it tonight,” I replied when he got comfortable in the new position. “We could talk about this tomorrow, right? You have tomorrow off?” Matt questioned, resting his head on my chest. “I do have tomorrow off. I wanted to spend it with you,” I said, being truthful. “Okay, let’s talk about this tomorrow, alright?” he said while rubbing my chest and rubbing his fingers throughout my chest hair. “Let’s sleep,” I said, being dead tired from the night of making love. “Goodnight,” Matt said, kissing my chest like he used to do before we went to sleep in when we were in college, which made me love him even more. I can’t believe we went all night again like the old times. I know I should let Anne know about Matt and me. I can’t believe I never told her about us and about my struggle with homosexuality before. Should I tell her everything that he and I did?
When I woke up, Matt was sitting on my lap, waiting for me to wake up for I can do my thing again. So we rolled over and I started to mount. I must have gone a good ten minutes before I stopped to catch my breath. Matt asked for us to stop. He wanted to shower and check his email. So the both of us got up and showered. When he was checking his email, I called Anne. “Hello?” she answered. “Hey baby,” I responded. “Hey babe. How are things back at home?” she asked while
getting away from the noise she was in when she answered the phone. “I could be better, didn’t expect
Dad to die when we were here. It’s hard
on the kids, seeing everyone sad because of Dad’s passing,” she responded,
starting to tear up. “I’m sorry your dad died,” I responded, knowing that I just pissed Anne off. “You knew he was gonna die,” she said, getting angrier and angrier with each passing moment. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to say�"I have a lot on my mind,” I responded. “Like what?” she asked. Well, I should be honest with her. “Matt and I had sex last night.” I told her. It’s been on my mind that I should come clean with her. Granted I know it wouldn’t be smart to tell her now with her father passing away the day before. I know her family is there with her and they’d support her no matter what. It’s now or never. I am tired of lying to her and living this double life which isn’t right for me and right for Anne and the kids.
It was decided then that I should go and talk to the fellow Pastor’s at church right when I got off the phone with Anne to let them know of my sin and to step down from my position. So that’s what I did. I went in and told Matt I was gonna stop in at the office to let them know of the passing of Anne’s father and I’d be back. That was the hardest conversations I ever had. I was asked to step down before they requested me to step down. I handed over my sermon notes that I had to the college-age Pastor and he became the lead Pastor. I had to confess my sin to Jesus and repent of my sin and seek help for my attraction towards Matt and to other guys. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and I wasn’t living for Him, especially when I was supposed to be the Pastor of the church here in Birdsville. But my life is getting better. Matt and I won’t hang out by ourselves ever again, and that’s okay. Anne forgave me and has been a huge blessing on helping me deal with bisexuality and helping me get on the right foot with God again. Maybe just maybe I could take over the College Pastor roll again, but it’s in God’s hands. That would be a lot of stress off my back and that’s why I originally became a Pastor to begin with, for the College age adults and help anyone out with what I fell into, because it’s always been a struggle for me. God placed the college age adults on my heart when I was still in undergrad and wanted to serve them in some sort of way. But that’s my side of the story, how I felt into the ultimate sin as the lead Pastor here at the Southern Baptist Community Church in Birdsville, Kentucky.
[1] Genesis 1:27-28 | “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth."” (ESV) [2] Romans 1:24-27 | “Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.” (ESV) © 2011 Eric Darsie |
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Added on January 21, 2011 Last Updated on January 21, 2011 Author
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