The Mad Man, Amelia and the Angry Necromancer

The Mad Man, Amelia and the Angry Necromancer

A Story by Dave Kelly

As I sprinted down a dark, dank alleyway, trying to lose a psychopathic mage, holding the hand of the prettiest girl in the world, I realised the life could not get any better.

As I sprinted down a dark, dank alleyway, trying to lose a psychopathic mage, holding the hand of the prettiest girl in the world, I realised the life could not get any better.
A dazzling flash of midnight blue soared over my head as my feet splashed in the murkier liquid of the empty alleyway. I glanced at the girl clutching my hand and found, to my glee, that she had a gigantic grin on her face. I looked away, the infectious grin now splitting my mouth. Another flash of light, this time red, hit the ground behind me, causing the cobbled pavement to rupture outwards. I quickened my pace and so did my companion, the streaks of magical light were barely missing us and I feared soon that we would be its target. However, the alleyway was relentless in its attempts to cause our swift deaths and continued to go on and on. I had to think fast, really fast. What could I do? I had to slow him down some how! As I ran I looked about the alley, hoping to find something that could used to aid me in my objective. To my dismay, I found nothing but walls and graffiti, artistic graffiti mind you, not the pointless, vulgar crap that you often see sprayed on walls of today. No, this was art, art that would never be appreciated by society because it dwells in this forsaken alleyway. Anyhow, that is besides the point. The point is I was having trouble finding a way to distract the blasted mage trying to murder us, until I remembered what I had in my pockets.
We continued to run as my free hand fumbled in my pockets, searching for the item I needed to slow down the mage thus giving us ample time to escape. To my relief, I found that it was in my pockets and I gripped it tightly, pulling it out of my pocket so that I could examine it. Another jet of light, black this time, exploded against the wall next to me, causing chunks of concrete to fling at me. They almost knocked the essential item out of my hands but my grip was strong, probably because the item in question cost me a fortune. I pulled it up in front of me, my iPhone 4S, and flicked it on. You see, as cliché as it sounds, I had an app for distractions. 
No, just joking, but I did have a plan. Not an excellent one mind you, in fact, I would not even go as far to call it a plan, just a sequence of happenings really. Nonetheless, something had to be done as I did not want the pretty girl running alongside (clearly to exhilarated to talk) to die. So I put the 'plan' into action. I turned around swiftly to face the dark figure chasing us, still hurling light at us, still missing, and I screamed very loudly and chucked my iPhone 4S at his face. Unlike him however, I did not attend the Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy and my aim was true. It smacked him square in the face, causing him to curve his back, howling in pain. I heard my pretty partner chuckle and gripping her hand once more, I sprinted even faster than before down the alleyway, gaining quite the head start on our more than likely disheartened pursuer.
Eventually we reached the end of the alleyway and quickly entered the nearest open building we could find, said building being a car park. We swiftly entered the quite ominous car park and did not stop running till we had reached the roof. Once we had reached the roof I pulled her over to the wall and rested against it, catching my breath but still holding her soft hand. I looked to her, grinning madly to find she was also supporting a splitting smile. 
'Well that ... was fantastic' she breathed.
'I quite agree, the fact we could of been killed by magic certainly added to the experience' I replied.
'I just can't believe we got chased by a wizard, I mean, how cool is that!?' she exclaimed.
'Pretty cool Amelia, pretty cool' I smiled.
Amelia looked at me, a look of pure happiness on her face, this in turn made me happy. Clearly she had enjoyed our little run as much as I had.
'The fact that you managed to anger the poor man enough that he chased us for that long is astounding my dear!' I told her.
'Honestly, I didn't mean to Dorian, it wasn't my intention at all!' Amelia smirked.
'Oh, so you mean to say that telling him his black cloak made him look like a little girl was a compliment?' I asked, laughing.
'Of course, I thought her perhaps he was a transvestite and that was his goal in life!'
'Well my dear, sadly he was not a transvestite, just an angry Mage who enjoys wearing cloaks.'
'Cloaks that make him look very feminine' she muttered.
I laughed heartily, now studying Amelia closely, she certainly was very attractive. I had only met her today, in a bar mind you, very stereotypical.  I had been alone and she had been alone and loneliness tends to attract loneliness and quite soon, we had been pulled together by an almost magnetic force. We talked for hours, discussing too many topics to mention, it was quite brilliant. We had so much in common that I felt it was almost faith that we should converse. She told me about her life, her job, her family, it was all rather dull, I could sense she felt the same way. Despite her quirks and witticisms I could tell she was miserable and needed an adventure, and I knew I could provide one. I pulled her close and whispered to her that the man in the ridiculous cloak sitting alone in the corner of the bar was a sorcerer. 
She stared at me in disbelief. I could tell that she was doubting my sanity.
'What do you mean he's a sorcerer? As in he does card tricks?' she asked dubiously.
'Well, not really. I mean, he might do those too, in his spare time maybe.  What I mean  is that he practises magic, as in spells and whatnot. You know, Harry Potter style' I said happily.
'And um, how do you know this?' 
'The world is wonderful and exciting and full of interesting stuff such as sorcerers, you just have to pay attention m'dear!'
She still looked doubtful and I could tell she thought I was a lunatic.
'Here, I'll prove it!' I exclaimed.
With that, I grabbed her by the hand and brought her over to the silly looking man in the corner, still drinking a cocktail and looking quite bored.
'Why hello good sir! Mind if we join you?' I asked politely.
He looked up at Amelia and I, a look of anger on his bearded face.
'Yes, I do actually!' he said angrily.
'Excellent, my friend here has always wanted to meet a sorcerer!' 
His look of anger turned to one of surprise. He scanned me very quickly, probably looking for signs of Magical Items or something of the sort. He found nothing and looked back at me.
'I have no idea what you're talking about' he said dismissively, trying to look casual once more.
'Sure you do! You know, the Arcane Arts, Spell Work, and by the looks of you, Necromancy!' I replied.
He now looked shocked. 
'How on Earth do you know that!?' he whispered, being careful that the Barman wouldn't hear him I guess.
Before I could answer, Amelia spoke up.
'Well, I'm guessing he knew based on your ridiculous, black cloak. I mean, who else, other than a Necromancer, would wear such a horrible gown?' Amelia asked.
A look of anger appeared once more over the Necromancer's face.
'You dare mock the Sacred Garb of The Fifth!?' he shouted, obviously not caring any longer whether the Barman noticed.
'No, of course not. I'm just saying it looks like something only a death worshipping freak would wear, that's all' Amelia retorted.
I have to say, I was enjoying this. Amelia was certainly a great person. I just introduced her to Sorcerer and already she was insulting him, my kind of girl.
'I will kill you and bring you back from the dead to kill you once more!' he screamed.
'You know what, I am sorry. I actually do know of another person who wears that dress. She's this little, Gothic Girl I know from -' 
Amelia didn't get to finish the sentence because suddenly, as quick as lightning, the angry necromancer had pulled out a crooked stick and was pointing it Amelia. 
'You will die for your insolence!' he snarled, clearly upset.
I pulled Amelia away from the angry man and stood in front of her.
'Sir, I'm sure Amelia did not mean to offend you or your lifestyle' I said, trying to calm the situation.
'I actually did!' Amelia added.
I turned around quickly and shushed her. 
'What Amelia is trying to say is that she is sorry for making fun of your ridiculous dress.'
'It is a cloak!' Angry Necromancer screeched.
'But you must admit that it is quite silly' I said, causing Amelia to giggle.
This was it for the Necromancer, he was red in the face and before I could blink, a flash of black lightning shot from the crooked stick. It barely missed my poor face. 
'Well, we best be off!' I said quickly, grasping Amelia's hand once more and sprinting out the door, dropping a twenty euro note on the table, where a shocked looking Barman stood.
And now here we are, panting for breath in an empty car park, grinning wildly like a couple of school children. It's always quite fun, being chased by an angry mage, especially a necromancer. Mind you, I was once chased by a necrophiliac, but that's a story for another day. Amelia noticed me studying her and laughed out loud. 
'What?' I asked curiously.
'Nothing really, it's not that I just discovered magic is real or anything! How did you know? Who are you? Why are you so fantastic!?' she demanded.
'I'm Dorian, I told you that already. As for how I knew he was a necromancer and that magic is real, well ... it's not really that secretive to be honest. I know it's amazing to you because it's your first time but really, Necromancers are fairly common now a day. In fact, ninety nine percent of the mages I know are Necromancers. There are few other sorcerers out there who practise anything other than death magic, as it's the easiest discipline out of the lot of them. Necromancy was the first magical discipline I discovered and it's not a nice one. I prefer healing, healing is cute, like puppies' I told her.
'But how did you discover magic and what other disciplines are there?' Amelia asked, brimming with curiosity. 
'I discovered magic four years ago, when I was only twenty seven. I was walking down the street when I saw a man in a black cloak, very similar to the one we saw only a little while ago. I noticed he was very sketchy looking, which intrigued me, then of course, he conjured a ball of shadow death in his hands, which intrigued me further. So, me being me, I followed him into a run down building, where I found him performing sick necromancer experiments on cats.' I told her.
She laughed. 'Cats?' she said, bemused.
'What's so funny? Do you enjoy the torture of cats? It was very serious!' I said.
She laughed harder. 'But cats!'
'Are you going to let me tell the story or not?' I asked.
'Fine go on!' she said, still chuckling softly.
I tutted. 'Anyway, as I was saying, this sick man was performing experiments on cats-' 
I paused, waiting for a snigger but Amelia just looked at me innocently, so I continued.
'Obviously I could not let this cat abuse continue so I went all heroic on his a*s and sent him packing. By which of course I mean I sprinted in, kicked him very hard in the shin, slapped him across the face and told him he is a sick man and ran out clutching about thirteen injured kittens.'
Amelia was in stitches laughing at this stage, which offended me slightly. What's so funny about saving cats from a necromancer? It's heroic, brave, kind and all the nice adjectives in the world. I mean, come on. You can't get much nicer than saving cats from a necromancer! I was about to tell Amelia off when suddenly, in a wisp of black smoke, The Necromancer that had been chasing us earlier appeared, grinning wildly.
'Aha!' he shouted. 'I have found you two meddlesome meddlers at last!'
After he said this quite dramatic line, Amelia laughed even harder, her face reddening so much I though she might die of some strange red disease. The Necromancer shot a look at her, his expression changing from triumphant to furious.
'What's so funny!?' he yelled. 
However, the sight of the angry necromancer just caused Amelia to laugh harder and redden further, which of course set me off. Oh how I already loved this wonderful girl.
The Necromancer now looked at me, and I swear, I believe he blushed under his ridiculous beard, and under his beard, I now recognised something much more sinister than a blush. 
'Wait a minute' I began. 'You're the guy-'
'Yes! I'm the guy you slapped in the face four years ago you swine' the angry Necromancer screamed, spittle now flying from his mouth.
Amelia stopped laughing for a moment.
'Hold on a second! This is the cat abuser that you assaulted?' she asked.
'Yes, I believe so. I didn't recognise him with the silly beard he has grown you see' I said.
Amelia looked from me to the Necromancer and once more, this time more violently, began to laugh that roar of a laugh of hers, which I soon joined in on. The Necromancer was now looking a little awkward, standing there, watching us laugh at him.
'Stop laughing!' he screeched eventually, now almost as red as us. When he saw yelling was getting him nowhere he pulled out his wand and pointed it straight at me. Slowly, I stopped laughing, but Amelia however, just continued to laugh harder and harder, clearly finding this dangerous stick of wood hilarious.
'I am sooo sorry Mister Necromancer' I said. 'Amelia her is being quite rude. How are you anyway? Still kidnapping cats? I asked politely, causing Amelia to fall to the ground, laughing fit to burst. I was almost beginning to worry about her.
The Necromancer's blush intensified and he seemed to almost be on the verge of tears.
'Make her stop!' he whimpered, tears forming in his eyes. 'Or I'll ... I'll turn her into a skeleton and keep her alive like that forever!'
I couldn't help but laugh at this. I however could see the poor chap was getting upset so I stopped and approached Amelia.
'Amelia' I said gently. 'Are you okay? Do you think you could stop now?'
She looked at my face and laughed some more. It took five full minutes to calm her down and she eventually stood up and looked at the Necromancer, who was now silently crying.
'I am sorry sir, it's just I've never heard of such ridiculousness in my whole life' she said.
The Necromancer put on a brave face and looked directly at her.
'You're really mean you know' he said. 'I should kill you for that display'
Amelia looked like she was going to laugh once more but she quickly composed herself and took a step towards the Necromancer.
'Is it true you torture cats' she whispered, looking almost frightening.
The Necromancer eased back a little. 
'A little' he mumbled.
Amelia lashed forward, pushing the poor man onto the ground and punching him very hard in the face. He cried out and she pulled his wand from him and snapped it in two, causing him the burst into sobs, you see, the wand contained all his magical energy, which when released, flows back into the owner, causing immense pain. 
'I like cats' she said, spitting on the weeping Necromancer.
I looked at her, feeling a little shocked, and slightly turned on I admit. She turned to me and took my hand.
'Shall we go Dorian, I'm sure you have lots more to tell me and we have lots more to do she' she said, smiling a beautiful smile.
'Um, sure, I do know more Necromancers you could make cry, if you want to of course?' I said, returning the smile. 
'Sounds wonderful!' she laughed.
And with that, we left the car park, hand in hand, leaving behind a traumatised, weeping Necromancer who was probably going to need serious counselling, for a long time.

© 2012 Dave Kelly

Author's Note

Dave Kelly
I honestly did not proof read it too well so feel free to point out grammar mistakes/problems. I wrote it in an evening, so I doubt it is that good. I just want an opinion really, to check if people think I am wasting my time writing. I hope I'm not, I quite enjoy it. So please, feel free to destroy this story in a review if necessary, I just hope you don't have to!

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That last line is awesome!
Keep up the great work!

Posted 10 Years Ago

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Added on October 13, 2012
Last Updated on October 13, 2012
Tags: The, Mad, Man, Amelia, and, Angry, Necromancer, Reasonably, Funny, Stuff


Dave Kelly
Dave Kelly


Hello, my name is Dave, or David, or even Davy. Wait, no, not Davy, do not call me that please. Thank you. I enjoy writing the odd short story, hence my membership on this wonderful website. Although,.. more..