THE TEST.

Set in the not so distant future, post Brexit. Farhana is taking the British Citizenship test to determine whether she is able to remain in 'Great' Britain. However what makes this country so great?

THE TEST.

By

Darrel Draper

(FARHANA, a woman of Sri Lankan descent is being interviewed by a British man to determine whether she should remain in Great Britain)

FARHANA: Ron Weasley. 

INTERVIEWER: And what did Dumbledore leave Hermione in his will?

FARHANA: Um......The Tales of Beedle the Bard.

INTERVIEWER: OK. For the next set of questions I just want you to complete the sentence. So for example, if I was to say, London Bridge is.......You would say.

FARHANA: Falling down?

INTERVIEWER: Precisely. OK. Here we go. Baa, baa......

FARHANA: Black sheep, no, white sheep, white sheep, have you any wool, yes sir, yes sir.....

INTERVIEWER: That's fine. (Beat) I'm a Barbie girl, in a........

FARHANA: Barbie world. Being plastic, is fantastic.

INTERVIEWER: You were only supposed to........

FARHANA: Blow the bloody doors off!

INTERVIEWER: You've got no fans.......

FARHANA: Um......You've got no.......not sure. Sorry.

INTERVIEWER: Do you expect me to talk?

FARHANA: (Beat) No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

INTERVIEWER: Final one. I love you all, I love you more than life itself, but you're all.....

FARHANA: (Beat) F*****g mad!

INTERVIEWER: (Nods) Good. (Beat) OK. Back to general knowledge. In 1966 Englands football team won the world cup, which country were they playing against in the final and what was the overall score?

FARHANA: Germany, sorry, West Germany, and the score was 4-2 to England.

INTERVIEWER: (Beat) And who was England’s captain at that time?

FARHANA: Bobby Moore, Sir Bobby Moore.

INTERVIEWER: And what exact date did he receive his O.B.E?

FARHANA: Um.......January the 2^nd, no, 1^st, 1967.

INTERVIEWER: (Beat) Who was the first ever winner of Britain's Got Talent?

FARHANA: Paul Potts.

INTERVIEWER: And who was the runner up?

FARHANA: Um......Don't know, sorry.

INTERVIEWER: The presenters Ant & Dec first appeared on television together in which children’s drama?

FARHANA: Byker Grove.

INTERVIEWER: (Beat) Princess Diana was princess of which country?

FARHANA: Wales.

INTERVIEWER: On which date was Princess Diana’s engagement to Prince Charles made official?

FARHANA: (Pause, shakes head) Pass.

INTERVIEWER: She unfortunately passed away on which date? And at what age?

FARHANA: The 31^st of August 1997, and she was 37, no, sorry, 36, yeah 36.

INTERVIEWER: (Beat) Queen Elizabeth the second began her reign in what year?

FARHANA: 1952.

INTERVIEWER: In which year did she relinquish the throne to Prince Charles due to poor health, and in which year did he appoint Prince William as King of England?

FARHANA: Sorry, could you repeat that please?

INTERVIEWER: Of course. In which year did she relinquish the throne to Prince Charles due to poor health, and in which year did he appoint Prince William as King of England? (Beat) Don't worry, you're doing really well so far, take your time. There's just a few more questions after this one and we'll move onto the next stage.

FARHANA: OK, well, Elizabeth the second relinquished power in, 2018, and Prince Charles took over for.....three, no, two, two years, so, Prince William became king of England in, 2020. No, 2021, yeah, 2021.

INTERVIEWER: OK. Last few questions. In Pokemon, who is Ashes companion and best friend?

FARHANA: Pikachu. No wait, depends, new generation or old generation, because I know he evolves into Riachu at some stage.

INTERVIEWER: I'll take your first answer. (Beat) Who is the rarest Pokemon of all?

FARHANA: Um, Mew, Ancient Mew. But I think that's old generation. Um, not sure about new.

INTERVIEWER: Which craze began in 2016 and led to world war three.

FARHANA: Pokemon Go.

INTERVIEWER: OK. Excellent. You can relax a little Farhana. You're doing really well.

FARHANA: Thank you.

INTERVIEWER: Onto the next stage now. Now these next exercisers will be more practical based and will assess your sensory skills and general social abilities.

FARHANA: OK.

INTERVIEWER: (Presents two opened tins of beans, both without labels) In one of these tins are Heinz baked beans. I would like you to taste both, and tell me which you think is Heinz. (Presents her with a spoon)

FARHANA: (Tastes both, picks one) I believe these are Heinz baked beans.

INTERVIEWER: OK. (Presents her with two cups of tea) One of these has been made using PG tips tea bags. Could you tell me which one please?

FARHANA: (Tastes both, picks one) This one, I think.

INTERVIEWER: OK thank you. And finally. (He places three newspaper on the table, The Sun, Evening Standard and The Daily Mirror) You're on a packed train, which of these do you chose to read for the duration of your journey?

FARHANA: Ow. This is a hard one. (Takes some time to deliberate, is struggling over her decision, eventually chooses The Daily Mirror, but instantly second guesses her choice)

INTERVIEWER: OK Farhana, I'm now going to call Michael in, he's an actor, and is going to be role playing a few scenarios with you, which will be assessing your communication skills and use of British etiquette.

FARHANA: OK.

INTERVIEWER: Michael. You may come in now.

ACTOR: (Enters, looks to Farhana) Afternoon.

FARHANA: Hello.

INTERVIEWER: Now first Michael is going to be taking on the role of a waiter at a restaurant and you're going to be someone who has just been served their meal. The meal is not up to standard and you've asked for a glass of red wine and have been given a class of white instead. You're really not enjoying your dinning experience and based on this meal would not return to this restaurant in the future. The waiter comes over to your table and asks you if everything is OK, and you respond in a way which will communicate to me your awareness and understanding of Great Britain’s dinning didactics. Does that make sense to you? Is the scenario clear?

FARHANA: Yes.

INTERVIEWER: OK then, so I want you to imagine you've just eaten some of this awful meal and come to the realisation that you have white whine instead of red, and then the waiter walks over.....(Gesturing to the actor)

ACTOR: Hello Madam, is everything OK with your meal?

FARHANA: (Beat, with a big smile) It's fine thank you.

INTERVIEWER: (Claps) Superb. Handled excellently. OK. Next scenario. Let's hope you do just as well with this one. Now Michael will be taking on the role of Roy. An Uber driver, and we're going to simulate you in the back of his car on your way to a particular destination. I'm just looking to see how you interact with Roy and how you employ small talk within this situation.

FARHANA: OK.

INTERVIEWER: Let's just set up some chairs. (Sets up some chairs, laying them out in a car formation)

FARHANA: And where am I going?

INTERVIEWER: Mmmmm. I would like you to pick a destination within London which has a good mix of restaurants, shops and other amenities.

FARHANA: OK. Let's say, Leicester Square.

INTERVIEWER: Can you name me a particular road in Leicester Square?

FARHANA: Um, China Town?

INTERVIEWER: One which still exists.

FARHANA: Um, sorry, my minds gone blank.

INTERVIEWER: Let's just say, Pall Mall.

FARHANA: OK.

INTERVIEWER: OK. The simulation will start when you sit down, which will be you entering the Uber.

FARHANA: (Sits) Hello.

ACTOR: (Puts on cockney accent) Awight luv. Off to Pall Mall, Leicester Square?

FARHANA: Yes, that's right.

ACTOR: Nice. What you upto there?

FARHANA: Oh, nothing much. (Beat) Been busy?

ACTOR: Yeah just a bit. But not as busy as yesterday.

FARHANA: Ah right. (Beat) What time did you start?

ACTOR: Seven this morning.

FARHANA: Ah. Early. (Beat) And what time do you finish?

ACTOR: Seven this evening.

FARHANA: Ow. That's a long day.

ACTOR: Yep.

FARHANA: (Beat) What about the weather we've been having?

ACTOR: Yeah, sunny one minute, raining the next.

FARHANA: I can't keep up with it.

ACTOR: But ay, that's England init.

FARHANA: Sure is. (Beat) But I like that though, bit of variety.

ACTOR: Well they say it's the spice of life. (Beat) I don't think I could deal with the constant heat. (Beat) Though I'm sure you're used to that.

FARHANA: (Beat) Um......well, I much prefer when it's cooler.

ACTOR: Well you certainly won't get that level of heat over here. (Beat) Although I'm quite good when it comes to hot food, you know, the spicy stuff. (Beat) Bet you know how to make a good curry.

FARHANA: Nah, give me a roast any day of the week.

ACTOR: My nan makes a terrific roast. All the trimmings. Traditionally British.

FARHANA: Oww, you're making me hungry.

ACTOR: Yeah, you can't beat a good home cooked meal, can ya?

FARHANA: Nope.

ACTOR: I mean, I don't mind this foreign crap now and then, but, gotta stick to your roots.

FARHANA: Yeah. (Pause) So......Did you see the game last night?

ACTOR: Nah, don't watch cricket.

FARHANA: I meant the football.

ACTOR: Oh right. Yeah, yeah I did.

FARHANA: I think England need a new manager, he's a bloody joke, doesn't know what he's doing, I mean, when was the last time we won a world cup?

INTERVIEWER: And stop! Brilliant! Really well played Farhana.

FARHANA: Thank you.

INTERVIEWER: OK. Well that concludes the assessment. You'll now return to the holding bay until we make a decision. But as I said, you've done really well today, you should be proud of yourself.

FARHANA: Thank you very much. (Holds out her hand to shake the interviewers)

INTERVIEWER: (Declines her hand) Sorry, no physical contact.

FARHANA: Ah. Sorry.

(Blackout. Lights up, FARHANA is sat in a cell, NIKITA, a Russian woman, sits sobbing in the cell next to hers)

FARHANA: (Hearing the sobbing) Hello? (Beat) You alright in there?

NIKITA: I fail.

FARHANA: What was that?

NIKITA: The test. I fail it. They send me back tomorrow.

FARHANA: Oh dear. I'm so sorry to hear that.

NIKITA: Pigs! Fascist pigs! I lose temper with cab driver so, they say I am not fit to remain here, but he should be the one get deported. Racist s**t! The things he say to me, treat me like alien, I have lived here seventeen years. Seventeen! And now I am not good enough. Why? Because I stick up for myself? Because I say, you shouldn't talk like that about other peoples.

FARHANA: I know. I know. I just bit my tongue.

NIKITA: But why? It's not right.

FARHANA: I know, but, I, I don't want to leave. I can't leave.

NIKITA: I have no choice. I fail. (Pause) You thought about your name?

FARHANA: My name?

NIKITA: They make you change name, if you stay. You must chose more, 'British' name.

FARHANA: Oh right, um, Fran I suppose. Is Fran British?

NIKITA: Just call yourself pig. Fit right in. (Pause) Screw it, I miss my food anyway. Bored of fry up and Sheppards pie. (Beat) How long you live here?

FARHANA: Nine years.

NIKITA: Why you come?

FARHANA: I thought they'd be more opportunities for me (NIKITA laughs). Where I'm from, it's, well, there's a lot of poverty and, I lost most of my family and, just wanted a fresh start really.

NIKITA: And where you from?

FARHANA: A small village in Sri Lanka. Basically middle of nowhere.

NIKITA: And what you like most about here?

FARHANA: Well, before everything changed, I had a good job, nice flat, handsome.......(Pause)

NIKITA: What happened to him? Or her?

FARHANA: Deported. Somewhere far worse than where I come from. (Pause)

NIKITA: I'm from Jamaica.

FARHANA: (Stunned) Oh. Oh right. And what's it like out there?

NIKITA: (Laughs) I joke, obviously. I am from Korsakov, Russia. A place which used to be worse than here. (Beat) Funny, I used to ship goods to England from Korsakov, that was my job. I wonder if they send me back to the same dock.

(Blackout. Lights up on FARHANA sat with INTERVIEWER)

INTERVIEWER: You had one of the highest pass rates we've seen in months.

FARHANA: Oh wow, really?

INTERVIEWER: Yep. I was impressed. Truly.

FARHANA: So I passed?

INTERVIEWER: With flying colours. Blue, red and white.

FARHANA: (Over joyed) That's amazing. Wow. I'm so happy. This is amazing.

INTERVIEWER: However, there was one thing you failed.

FARHANA: What was that?

INTERVIEWER: Something you did not declare to us.

FARHANA: (Looks worried) I'm not sure...........

INTERVIEWER: You are six weeks pregnant. (FARHANA looks stunned) Why did you not tell us?

FARHANA: I didn't know. Honestly.

INTERVIEWER: You are aware of our policies regarding children?

FARHANA: Um, I'm not sure.

INTERVIEWER: Well, to save me time explaining, you basically have two options. You can stay, providing you have an abortion. Or, you can chose to keep the baby, however, that would mean we would have to send you back to your native country.

FARHANA: (Pause) Why can't I have the baby here?

INTERVIEWER: Section 19 of the new border enforcement, those immigrants who wish to remain, if successfully awarded citizenship, must adhere to the strict procreation policy, which will prevent future non-british offspring.

FARHANA: But if I passed the test, that means I am British, right?

INTERVIEWER: Yes.

FARHANA: So that means my offspring will be British too, right?

INTERVIEWER: Unfortunately it's not as clear cut as that. If your sexual partner had been of British descent and the two of you were married, or planning to be married, than there would be certain allowances for that, but as you.....

FARHANA: I won't know if it's a girl or a boy.

INTERVIEWER: Obviously I understand this is a difficult decision to make, but it is one you will need to make, and within the next 24 hours.

FARHANA: So soon.

INTERVIEWER: If you choose to keep the child, then you will be placed on the next deportation, however if you decide you want to stay, than we must arrange the abortion as soon as possible, so that we can proceed with the completion of your citizenship as soon as possible and get you reintegrated into Great Britain. OK?

FARHANA: OK.

INTERVIEWER: Return to the holding bay and have a good think about your future.

FARHANA: (Pause) But it's not just my future any more.

(Blackout. Lights up, cells)

FARHANA: Every day I watched her struggle, and I said to myself, one day, my children will have a better life, and won't have to watch their mother literally break her back trying to make a living. But I was naïve, living in a fantasy world. Because that future doesn't exist. This is the greener grass. And my child will never see it.

NIKITA: You said you didn't have family back home, now you can have one.

FARHANA: And what life would they lead? I ran away for a reason.

NIKITA: (Beat) Can you live with killing your child?

FARHANA: (Pause) I can. Because, if anything, it's the kindest thing I could do. I mean, who wants to bring a child into this world? Only to end up back here. (Beat, sniggers) Great Britain.

(Blackout)

THE END.

Author's Note

I am entering a short playwright competition based on the brexit and am looking for feedback before I submit this piece of writing.