The Cottage

This took nearly a year to sort out. Its a transformative poem, I think a better one, maybe my worse

The Cottage

 

The face of the moon greases the counter top.
No less, a c***s wattle and tea ring
flank the water pump.

You pick the tape from the pipes.
You say there's lead in your water.
You say your water will make you sick.

Its four in the morning, and you're sweetly asleep.
I am by the window, swollen with repair.
I've boiled liters of water, I've quit my leaking.

The night tongues lubricate my excitement.
Diving birds have left their stiff feathers.
I am no more your lover,

then I am the caller of these birds.
I am spared their greased hooks.
I am the torch-lighter, my head, steaming the Atlantic.

I've seen geysers empty their steaming guts.
My boots, grinding their sulphur eye lids.
And the petals of your lips, twin slugs.

How you whine!
The clean jowl of a cow, its good teeth.
Something empty, my back for a davenport.

But the shadows are feasting on themselves, I must hurry.
I must stiffen to a pillar.
I must shape to drapes and place mats.

Author's Note

Inspired from a trip to Iceland and some other stuff (but nothing to do with Iceland really.

Reviews

[Annette Jay Sweeney]

Your grasp of imagery is shocking. From the very first line I saw that you have a different feel for what imagery can entail. Grease isn't something normally found beautiful, so to say the moon is greasing the counter-top is an interesting image. It drew me in right away. Kudos for the great start!

While your title is simplistic, I think it fits well. You get all the setting you need right away, and recognize the details pointed out in the poem as details of a cottage. I also enjoy the form. I think sticking to tercets gave this a unified, smooth feel.

I would caution you against using adverbs. They tend to steal some of the vivid imagery from the moment. For example, "you're sweetly asleep". This tells you what is going on, but sometimes it is better to show than to tell. I would instead try to work in some sort of image.

I do feel I'm not getting the full grasp of what you are trying to say. Sometimes it can be interesting to investigate the lines as delicately as a detective, but in general audiences would look at something that they must delve into and be turned off. You are so close, maybe just rework this a tiny bit. I do really enjoy this! I think maybe I just want to see it in perfection :).

[Emily B]

it is brilliant poetry, wonderful to read it

[R J Askew]

I also like the way you live with your words over long periods. Oh, I took my family to Iceland a couple of years back when they said they wanted to go somewhere 'different'. We may have stood by the same geyser.

[R J Askew]

I like the verb 'greases' it is incongrous in a cottage poem. It also suggests the American comic hero use of the word. Ach, this cottage is all about aggravation. So in reality the dream is all about fixing this and that, no rest. Meanwhile, the other cottager is sound asleep. But in your insomnia the cottage delivers you a mind-movie of dreams of another type of escape, perhaps from the cottage gig's grip. Yes, the birds are free, but the spend all their lives diving into the sea for fish. I like the notion of the head steaming away and the little word association leap to steaming geyers is great. The geyser seems to symbolise the release of your cottage-repair stress and all that underlies it. 'Sulphur eye lids' is plain brilliant. Jealous, I am of that dab. And the thought of the eye lids takes you back to the sleeper. Ach, we are almost standing there with you, observing and contemplating the sleeper. Agggggg, and then back to the tyranny of another's cottage dream! Marvellous. One cottage but two views of it. I now feel as if I am standing outside the cottage several hours later and catch your eye as you are on a step-ladder fixing a drape. Maybe, I'm some sea-bird poet type who sneaks off fishing patrol to check out the cottage in some sea-bird poet type fantasy. Our eyes meet and I wink and fly off. We both know you want to machine gun the drapes and place mats as they represent everything that a cottage should offer escape from. If poetry is about making the reader think and have a little adventure, a little escape, then your poem does the job. The poem is iteself a little word cottage for they eyes to flit to. In my case, I am escaping from gently driving my son to revise for an exam in biology at 0900 tmr morning.

[R J Askew]

We like to succeed, get some spare money, buy a cottage, retreat to it, dream dreams ... then what? But the 'then what?' is another poem. Yep, I'd love a cottage, not for its own sake but because it wld mean I'd somehow made it to somewhere. How the hell do rich people with cottages live? Assuming the cottage is their second or third home. Of course if someone has to live in a cottage they might be a poor, crushed peasant.

[M.a. Benjamin]

I enjoyed this poem. It's uniquely written, and i like reading works that don't follow a format. Good write

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

Extrodinary images, descriptions..shrouded in a bit of mystery nice format and what can i say.. I should have read you before now!
Amazing..

Chloe

[The Viking]

Though shrouded in heavy symbolism, this seems to be the thoughts of a man walking through the dark of his house, memories and feelings coming to mind, while his girl sleeps. I'm guessing the girl is his wife, and though they share this cottage and a marriage, he wonders if he even loves her. For instance, "the petals of your lips, twin slugs" is not exactly an endearing metaphor for someone you love's lips, thus leading me to think the narrator is sick of her, sick of this cottage he's trapped in, and wanting to be free, to see things like diving birds and geysers emptying their steaming guts. Excellent imagery all throughout, not a single cliche description anywhere, which is awesome. You can definitely feel a sorrow and depression, though it may not make sense at first. Excellent write.

[Gandré]

Fantastic stanza - the first one, you are so clever, a poem needs to begin with something what makes the reader feel like "wow". Also perfect ending. I feel the disharmony in-between. Your style is flawless.