Prologue.2

i have rewritten my prologue to my story please read and review if you have time

Beautiful, the soft glow and sparkle of the nights sky, I do miss this, as I gaze up towards the darkness my memory fades away to a time where this was my biggest worry the sky clear enough to see the stars shining above. That was a long time ago before my death. Before I had acted instinctively and saved that young boys life only to be hit by the cold metal of the charging car I still remember the feeling of my bones snapping at my waist the thundering sound of the glass cracking as my skull impacted on the windshield, then as my body fell limp to the floor and the flow of a crimson river filled my vision the last rasp of breath left my body. I was dead.

What happened next I shall never forget I awoke on a cloud, or at least it looked like one, it felt soft and squishy beneath my feet. I scanned my surroundings it was barren, empty all I could see was blue in the distance, the sky I’m guessing.

“It’s a beautiful thing isn’t it Jack the sky when its clear and motionless” a strong powerful voice boomed from behind me I spun round like a tornado and took step back startled and already quite disorientated I tried to make out the figure in front of me. He stood very tall probably I would say at least six foot five he was wearing a white tunic with gold helms, he had very broad shoulders, well built and clearly very strong. His hair was golden blonde, literally gold, and long but tied in a pony tail.

“You look scared Jack didn’t take you for the type to be scared by something as little as this.”

“Scared I’m not scared! I’m confused, startled and well maybe a little scared but last thing I remember is the headlights of a speeding car, then I wake up on what seems to be a cloud floating in the sky with a man dressed like he is a Zeus groupie so maybe I have a little right to be just a bit worked up, plus how the hell am I not falling through this stupid cloud!”

“Jack, Jack calm down I will gladly explain all to you in time for now you need to listen to me and listen well. I am going to offer you a choice, and it will define your future indefinitely, it will also decide where your destiny lies with us or with him, oh and you can stand on the cloud because when your dead you technically have no corporeal form.”

“A choice? What are you going on about?  You can’t just appear out of nowhere and start babbling stuff my head is starting feel like its being hit with a hammer. Oh the dead have no form that makes sense. Wait the dead? I’m dead! What the hell that really finished me off and stupid hunk of metal really well that’s boring I always thought if I was going to go it would be more exciting, like defending a young damsel from a mugger or something.”

“Yes you are dead how else did you think you would be on a cloud in the sky? Spout wings a flew I suppose.”

“Ha very funny what are you the king comedian of the great white cloud?” my head really was starting to hurt. I was dead, really dead and I had barely lived least I had no regrets not done nothing to regret. There was something that this mysterious man had said that my mind had latched on to this choice.

“You said you were going to offer me something? What is it?  Another thing who the hell are you?”

“Here it is then. I am Excalibur I am commander and chief of an organisation named the Angels of Death we are keepers of justice and defenders of the light a little different to your peoples belief of the Angel of Death we don’t just carry the deceased’s souls to the afterlife.”

Angels of Death are an organisation………….that great and all but what does that have to dead with me?”

“Good question and here is your answer. Jack I am here to offer you the choice to join us, become and Angel and find your destiny. We will train you, teach you, share with you everything we know about combat, life and you will learn things you never dreamed were possible. Peoples lives will be in your hands.”

“I can become an Angel, like you? What if I refuse what happens to me then? Do you send me to hell?”

“Yes like me, although might be awhile before you at my level young one. No, no not Hell, Heaven if you refuse my offer the step is simple you will proceed to heaven and eternal peace”

“So what you are telling me is either I become an Angel or I go to Heaven?”

“That’s the basis of it yes. You must understand its one or the other if you go to heaven that’s it for you, alternatively if you become an Angel and you life unfortunately lost you soul will not go to heaven but a limbo of lost souls. So choose wisely there are no second chances here.” His words seemed very daunting and suddenly I felt a big weight on my shoulders this decision is not like anything I’ve ever had to deal with I have no idea what I’m going to do.

“I’m sorry I know it’s a big decision but time is not a luxury I must have a decision. Now. What will it be us or him?” he extended he’s hand as he did I knew, maybe I always knew this is what I was meant to do I will be an Angel.

“Make me a Angel” I grasped his hand as I did a white light burst from the handshake it engulfed me in the most amazing feeling I have ever felt it flowed through me course from head to toe like a river returning to the sea and at that moment I knew the day I died was the day I was truly born.

Author's Note

review and comment criticism and improvements more than welcome.

Reviews

[Archia]

I like the idea of this, the plot. It was good how you introduced many things; how he died, the fact that he can't go to Heaven and instead he'll be an angel, his name certainly, and other things.
My one problem when reading this was that the structure of some sentences aren't quite right. There are times when there needs to be a full stop or a comma, or an 'and' or other things. Or there are times when you have one thing then another then another. Like the last thing trails on from the second, but not the first. If that makes any sense.
Here, an exmaple. "a strong powerful voice boomed from behind me I spun round like a tornado and took step back startled and already quite disorientated I tried to make out the figure in front of me" The strong voice is one thing, then his spinning round and being disorientated and the last is the making out the figure. It's three parts, and whilst the first and second may go, and the second and last may go, it's just one part too many. I hope that made sense, but I'm not sure if it did.
Anyway, I like how it's not all airy fairy. It's not all golden and light with the way they speak; they're real, and Jack asks proper, questions, it's not just all accepted and all that.
It looks like it's going somwhere good with the plot, it just needs a little work on the structure.