A Story by Deje

October 6, 2017 :
She decides this will be the last time she puts a shiny silver blade to her skin.
She decides this will be the last time she purposely makes her self bleed.
She decides this time she's actually going to get help.
She decides to give life a second chance.
She decides she doesn't want to fell sad anymore.
She decides to find inner happiness with the help of others.  

A year goes by she's faces challenges.
She faces hardships.
She faces her family not speaking to her for a  mistake she's made.
She faces losing everyone she ever cared about.
But in this time she doesn't pick up a blade.
She doesn't think about harming herself anymore.
She learned new coping methods.
She learned to make others happy no matter how much she is suffering inside.
She learned to make herself happy by putting a smile on random peoples faces.

She thought she had made one hell of a recovery until one day..
April 6, 2019 to be exact.

She relapsed.

She was tired of being strong.
She was tired of trying to fight all the demons and monsters inside her. 
She gave into the depression.
She gave into the urge.
She picked up her old friend, the shiny sliver blade, hidden away in a place only she could find if she ever needed it.
She uses it with tears running down her face.
Her heart racing.
Her mind filled with depressed hopeless thoughts.
She cuts.
One cut lead to two, two lead to three. 
She cuts until she feels like she let out all the anger and pain inside of her.
But did she feel like she let it all out?
She feels like there's more in her to be let out but she stops. 
She remembers the promise she made to those who cared for her.
So she stops.
She puts the blade away in the same spot just in case she needs it again.
She sits and thinks about how life would be easier if she wasn't breathing anymore.
She doesn't act on it. 
She just thinks about it.

© 2021 Deje

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Thank you for sharing the struggle.

Posted 2 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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1 Review
Added on April 6, 2019
Last Updated on January 2, 2021
Tags: relapse, depression, sadness



LaVergne , TN

I am a college student studying biology who expresses herself through writing. more..

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